Merry Christmas??

Okay everyone, I'm about to frickin lose it right now and rip someone's head off and tear it to pieces. I'm at my Mom's house in Florida and so is my brother, sister-in-law, nephews and stepfather. It is my stepfather's head that I want to rip off. Ready for why? He didn't get my Mom a Chanukah/Christmas present. SERIOUSLY?!?! Are you f'ing kidding me?! After not getting her a birthday present on her birthday, you have the balls to not get her a Chanukah/Christmas present?! After she does everything for you and gets you everything you want, you don't get her ANYTHING?!

He wanted a freaking Rolex for Christmas, what does he get? A Rolex. I told her she better take that watch back and use the money to get herself the Chanel bag she's been slobbering over and put the rest in HER bank account. She never buys herself ANYTHING. He's working overseas and spending money left and right and she is so worried about saving money that she sits in the dark at night to save money on electricity and he has the f**king balls to not buy her ANYTHING?!

You just don't know how livid I am right now. I can't even look at him right now. As soon as my brother and his family leaves, I'm saying something to my stepfather. I don't care if it's not my place. I even told him last week when he asked what he should get her that I wasn't sure, but I'm sure if he got her a gift card to Saks or Nordstrom he couldn't go wrong. And that I would be more than happy to go there and get the gift cards for him since there isn't one near where they live that he could secretly run to.

What an a**hole. An ungrateful, immature, stupid a**hole.

Blogging Break. . .

So, it's been over a month since I last posted and I just wanted to let you all know I'm okay, I just needed to take a little blogging vacation! I will be back soon with an update!

Gloves are off

Well, it's finally Friday, so hopefully I'll get to relax and sleep in this weekend. BUT, hopefully my loft will have many people coming to look at it this weekend too! At least this weekend, unlike last weekend, I'll have some errands to run while realtors are showing my place. I have to go get my flu shot tomorrow and I want to go to Target to check out a couple of things. If I get hungry, there are a few options for me to try thanks to a Web site I found on Samantha's blog. But, for some reason, I could really go for an extra crispy chicken breast from KFC. (shhhhhh, don't tell anyone though! because I'm such a food snob, I can't believe I'm admitting that!)

Besides that, all is the same with The Swimmer. Had a good session with The Professional on Wednesday and she reminded me that even though The Swimmer is a sensitive guy, that I can't handle him with "kid gloves." I need to draw the line and tell him when enough is enough and when he's bitching a lot about things that when it comes down to it, have to do with his issues, I need to tell him that I can't help him with it anymore, i.e. he needs to see a therapist. This is because I'm finding that when he's constantly bitching about the same things over and over and over, I'm almost just holding the phone away from my ear because I'm so sick of hearing the same thing. Me, when I don't like something, instead of bitching about it, I do something to change it or I realize that I have no control over it so there is no point in complaining about it or I find out why it bothers me so much. So, I need to start drawing the line with The Swimmer because if I don't, I'm going to get burnt out. This isn't to say that things aren't going well between The Swimmer and I though! He's coming to visit in a week, so we're both very excited. Not sure what we'll do while he's here besides lots of bedroom activities! He's begging me to bake him an apple pie (yes, I make it from scratch and it's damn good! Thanks Tyler Florence!), so I'll do that. Otherwise I'm sure we'll see some movies and do other stuff. He also wants to plan a vacation with me to take in December - any suggestions? The Professional is suggesting Miami and The Keys - to combine a visit to South Florida as well as the beaches and fun of The Keys. . .

On the work front, all is pretty much the same. I had my regional manager work with me on Tuesday which was really, really good. He's such a good guy and totally different than my district manager. It was almost a little depressing because I was reminded what it's like to have a motivating manager. I didn't and couldn't tell him that I'm looking to move to a different city, but I did tell him that I'm very frustrated with my geography and that it's very difficult to do well in it. He was very understanding of my situation and was trying to think of ways he could help me and the girl I work with. He also understood my frustrations with my district manager. He was very encouraging though and told me to just keep doing what I'm doing and that I'm working the geography the right way, so things should get better. He's such a good guy, I felt a little bad not being able to tell him that I'm looking to move to another state, but I definitely couldn't.

Well, that's all for now, I just want to watch some stuff on my DVR and relax for a bit.

Que sera, sera?

Everything is still pretty much the same around here, just going about my regular life and waiting for someone to buy my loft!! It's funny, my loft has only been on the market for less than a week, yet I'm frustrated that I've only had one showing so far. I need to be patient and remember that people usually look at houses during the weekend, so hopefully this weekend I'll have more showings. If not, I'll certainly be putting in a call to my realtor on Monday to see what we can do to get things moving.

In the meantime, I'm finding that because I have so little control in the situation, I am fixating on the few things I do have control over. One of them being where to live when I do move. That's actually fun! I've decided that I'll rent a condo or loft in whatever city I move to instead of renting an apartment. I've definitely found (and this is just from my personal experience so no one take any offense to what I'm about to say!) that people who rent apartments don't have as much respect for their surrounding environment and neighbors as people who own their own condo. When I've lived in an apartment, I've had to deal with noisy neighbors, dirty hallways, overflowing trash dumps, etc. Now that I've owned my own place, while there have been times when my neighbors have been noisy, it's definitely been rare and when I've said something, the offending neighbor apologizes profusely and immediately stops the noise. When that has happened in an apartment building, the noise often gets louder. So, again, that's just what I've experienced, but I'm taking that and learning from it and using it for the future!

Things with The Swimmer are pretty much the same. He's coming to visit in two weeks and he wants to plan a vacation together. I just want him to be open to visiting South Florida. Is that too much to ask?! Not going to go into that again though. Only time will tell! I just know that I love him and I want us to be together and if it's meant to be, everything will work out!

And can I just say how awesome tv shows have been lately?! Gossip Girl - AMAZING!! Prison Break - FANTASTIC!! America's Next Top Model - FABULOUS! Grey's Anatomy - STILL GREAT!! The Hills, The Bachelor, Dirty Sexy Money, Private Practice, etc. I could go on and on!! This year with tv is just too good, there are too many tv shows, my dvd is constantly recording something, it's crazy.

It's all about me. . .

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ONE!

I know I've been gone for a while, but there's been a lot going on. When I last posted, things with The Swimmer had been resolved. Basically, the night I was leaving LA, he told me he realized that he hadn't been fair to me when he said he wouldn't consider living in South Florida and that he needs to at least visit SFL and see if it's a place he would want to live. He also said that he had gotten the name of a therapist from his mom and that he was working up the courage to call and make an appointment, but that he was scared. I told him that I understand being scared, but in order for us to work, it's something he needs to do. He promised me he would make an appointment and go within the next few weeks.

So I left LA happy knowing that The Swimmer was going to see a therapist soon to start working on his issues and that we would take a trip to South Florida together in November or December so he can see what it's like.

This past Wednesday, I put my loft on the market. This was really hard to do. This loft is the first home I've ever owned and I bought it when I was only 24 years old. It took a lot of hard work to be able to buy it, but I did it and it was a huge accomplishment. So needless to say, it was really hard to sign the papers that put my loft up for sale. It's hard to think that someone else will be living here soon. Hopefully it won't take too long to sell and hopefully I'll get the money I want for it.

Wednesday night, after telling The Swimmer how hard it was for me to sign the papers, he tells me that he's "considered" moving to South Florida and he doesn't want to. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think that thinking about it for a few days is really considering it. Considering moving somewhere is actually visiting a place, seeing if there's jobs there, seeing what it's like, that's considering it.

What it comes down to is that he's scared of leaving his comfort zone. He tells me I mean the world to him and he loves me with all of his heart, and that means a lot to me, but that means even more that you need to really fully consider it and not just think about it. You can't let being scared of leaving your comfort zone prevent you from doing something.

He said that it's risky for him to move because what if it doesn't work out, then he'd have to move back to LA and find a new job. I pointed out to him that it's way more risky for me if I moved to LA and it didn't work out because I couldn't just move back home and find a new job within a week or two like he could, I'd be stuck in LA for at least a year. And even if things are going great between he and I, if I step into the same work situation I'm in now - crappy geography, too laidback manager - I risk losing my job. If that happens, I'm out of work for 6 months to a year, that's just how it is in the industry I work in. So I have to be really careful with the decision I make.

After explaining all of this to him, he told me that he didn't know that and he should have talked about it more with me and that he needs to think about it more. I told him that I would try and find out more about the work situation for me out in LA to see if I could get any info on the manager and geography.

The Professional keeps telling me that even if I move to South Florida, it doesn't mean that things would be over between The Swimmer and I, and I agree. I love him and I know he loves me, and while the long distance thing sucks, I also need to think about the whole picture. I've made the mistake too many times in the past of not looking at the whole picture or only focusing on the man in my life and not on me and I've always felt bad about that and wished I'd done things differently. This time, I need to do things differently. And yes, I am leaning more towards South Florida at this point, but LA isn't out of the picture. As much as I am not a fan of South Florida, career-wise, it's a guaranteed good move - I'm guaranteed a good territory, the BEST manager, a promotion and it's going to help secure my job. While it would be nice to be closer to family, it would suck to not have any friends in the area, but it's always been easy for me to make friends. As far as LA, career-wise, it's definitely not guaranteed at all - I could very well be stepping into a situation much like the one I'm in now or even worse. Even if it were better than the one I'm in now, it wouldn't be as good as the one I could have in South Florida. I'd have The Swimmer there though, which would be amazing! No friends or family though.

So, there it is. There's the huge update. And I completely apologize for the long absence, but with all of this going on, it's been hard to have any motivation to do anything but watch tv. I promise to post regularly again now that I've caught up!

More soon...

Too tired for the full update right now, but The Swimmer and I had a really good talk last night before I left LA and he has somewhat redeemed himself from Saturday night. More later, but for now, I must take a nap. Red eye flights are great, but very tiring!

Can the drama ever calm down?!

Well, I opened the discussion with The Swimmer about moving and where I should move to. He wants me to move to LA, which I already knew, but once again, when I asked if he would be open to moving to South Florida, his answers changed between maybe and no. So frustrating. He's never even been to Florida. And, according to him, people don't just pick up and move places, at least not the people he knows. So, I said, Why not? Why not move somewhere besides where you've lived all your life while you're still young and you aren't tied down by your career? He didn't really have a good answer for that. Then he said I was putting a lot of pressure on him. I told him that the only person putting any pressure on him was himself, as he does all the time. I told him that this is a big deal for me and it's not an easy decision, that I can't just do what's best for my career and I can't just do what I want for my love life. They are both important to me and that's why this is so stressful for me. The Swimmer feels like this makes our relationship complicated. Uhhh... HELLO?! Welcome to being an adult jackass! Life is complicated. Life is full of big decisions. Life is never easy. It just doesn't work that way. Anyways, I'm kind of feeling like I don't mean enough to him for him to move for me, even though it would just be for a year or two. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Sorry for the venting and rambling, but I'm typing this while he's in the shower and I just feel like I need to get this off my chest and make sure I'm not crazy for feeling like I am. . . Where's The Professional when I need her?

Life Really Is a Soap Opera!

So, I guess soap operas sometimes aren't that far off from real life. But then again, I guess it depends on the soap opera. . . Sorry for my lack of posting recently, I've just been stressed out with family drama and a lot of work drama. I won't go into the family drama here, but it's nothing horrible, it's just stuff that's really frustrating and stuff that doesn't concern me directly, but I know I'll be hearing a lot about it soon and even though I've tried to help, my advice was not taken. So... that's that.

As far as work drama... From the way it seems now, it looks like I might be putting my loft on the market very very soon. Success at my job depends a lot on the geography I am assigned to work. Earlier this year, my geography changed and it now sucks. A lot. And, on top of that, my manager is really laidback. Which is great for the most part, but when you want the manager to really do something for you, like promote you or try to get goals changed for you because your geography sucks, it doesn't happen because he's so laidback. So, this means that in order for me to get a new geography and a new manager, I have to move. So.............. the big question is where do I move to?

I could possibly move to South Florida where I would be guaranteed a motivated manager who wouldn't micromanage me, but who would be proactive in getting things done and the geography I would work would be much better than the one I am currently working in. But, I'm not a fan of South Florida. I grew up down there and the people aren't very nice, I don't like the weather, and while I still have family down there, none of my friends live down there anymore. And yes, I know it's easy to make new friends, but still. Also, if I move to South Florida, what about The Swimmer? I'm not sure if he would move to South Florida and this really frustrates me. I feel like he isn't open to living anywhere but LA. Not even for a year. When I ask him about it, I usually get one of two answers, either "Maybe" or "It's too much to think about right now." The last one REALLY ticks me off and makes me want to scream and be like, "You think you're stressed out right now? Try being in my shoes! You couldn't handle it!"

Or, do I move to LA? Work-wise, nothing is guaranteed. I don't know the manager in LA and as far as the geography I would be working, I don't know if it would be better than it is here. I'm going to speak with one of my old managers this week and see if he knows about anything out in LA and if he doesn't, if he knows how to find out about the managers and geography. When it comes to The Swimmer, things are still going great, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to move in with him yet. One of my personal requirements for me moving in with him was that he would have to be seeing a therapist to deal with his issues with his father and all that stuff. That hasn't happened yet and I don't feel like him and I could be successful together like that until he starts working on his issues. I mean, he's human and he has issues, just like we all do, but he needs to be working on resolving some of those issues. I know The Swimmer and I don't have to move in together if I move out to LA, but that would be my main reason for moving to LA and I also don't think I can afford a nice one bedroom apartment in a good area alone. All I seem to be able to find online are 1 bedroom apartments for about $2000 a month. And moving in together because that's the only way it would be affordable is not a reason to move in together.

So, that's just a little bit of the stress I've been dealing with. I know I don't need to decide right this second where to move to, but it just makes it that much more stressful to know you're going to have to move and not know where you're going to move to. Oy, I really need a vacation. I'm going to LA this weekend to visit The Swimmer, but I have so much more crap to deal with this week before I go that I can't even look forward to the weekend yet.

UPDATED:

I am really just so stressed out. I'm trying to not let stuff get to me so much, but I just can't stop it. What really makes me sad is that I'm totally on edge constantly. The Swimmer will say something and I'll come so close to losing it on him and luckily, I'm able to stop myself, but it's really hard. Same thing with my Mom, she'll say something and I'll come close to snapping. I really need to get in to see The Professional, but I have someone working with me tomorrow and possibly Thursday before I go to LA. This blows.

Tagged!

So I've been tagged by Samantha for four faves. Here it goes...

Four Jobs I Have Had In My Life

1. Ice cream scooper at Haagen Dazs - no, never got sick of ice cream. Don't think that's possible!
2. Hostess and then busser at TGI Friday's - yes, I had to wear "flare
3. Data entry at a health insurance company
4. More data entry at the Veteran's Administration - never have I seen so much bad stuff go down which is why I quit.


Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

1. Back to the Future Part 1
2. Back to the Future Part 2
3. Dirty Dancing
4. Napoleon Dynamite


Four TV Shows I Like to Watch

1. Prison Break
2. The Hills
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. America's Next Top Model


Four Places I Have Vacationed (Wow, do I need one now!)

1. Denmark
2. Quebec
3. Aix-en-Provence, France
4. London, England


Four of My Favorite Dishes (I'm with Samantha, this list changes often!)

1. Prosciutto, tomato and mozzarella panini from the Italian place up the street
2. Crabcakes from Emeril's
3. My Mom's brisket
4. Chocolate and vanilla soft serve in a cake cone


Four Web sites I Visit Daily

1. Yahoo!/Gmail/Hotmail
2. Myspace/Facebook
3. justjared.com/perezhilton.com
4. All of the blogs to the right!


Four Places I Would Rather Be

1. In LA visiting The Swimmer
2. On vacation somewhere being spoiled and relaxing
3. Visiting my best friend from high school in NYC
4. Visiting family in Florida


Four Bloggers I am Tagging!

1. AJ
2. Sarah
3. London Girl
4. Gator Girl

The BEST place to buy shoes. . .

I just wanted to share with everyone the absolute best place to buy shoes. Go to Endless.com. I ordered a pair of really cute shoes from there on Sunday night and got them this morning. I actually could have ordered the shoes up until last night and still have been able to get them today. Overnight shipping is free and they give you $5 off your order. If I had gone to Macy's to get the shoes I got, I would have paid $81 with tax. But, I only paid $45.86 for the shoes on endless.com. I am not being paid to advertise for them or anything, I'm just super excited about finding this place! And, if the shoes don't fit, they pay for return shipping! Look at my cute new shoes:



I'm very excited to wear them for traveling and on the weekends. I really only wear high heels during the week, so it'll be nice to have a cute pair of flats to wear on the weekends instead of flip flops to give my feet a rest. I know they aren't technically flat, but considering I wear 3 1/2 to 4 inch heels all day during the week, a small, 1 inch wedge is definitely a rest for my feet! YAY! So excited!!

So, so tired. . .

Happy New Year/Shana Tovah to all my fellow Jews!

Sorry for the long absence, things have been quite dramatic with work and family and The Swimmer has been extremely stressed out with work, so needless to say, I've been quite busy. Got back from my work trip and family visit on Sunday night and still haven't had much time to really relax. At least the weather has been absolutely stunning here, maybe fall is coming early this year? So much I want to discuss too - the work drama, maybe the family drama, The Swimmer, America's Next Top Model, Prison Break and my new show addiction - Gossip Girl.

Anyways, unless I update sooner, I wish the Jews an easy fast (if you are fasting) and the others a relaxing and fun weekend!!

The Swimmer Is Fantastic!!

I have finally finished feeling totally and completely upset that the long weekend is over and The Swimmer has returned to LA. Perhaps this is because we bought a ticket for me to go visit him the first weekend in October and I know the time between now and then is going to fly by. I have an out of town work meeting next week and then next weekend I will be visiting my Mom in Florida. I was really so sad when it was time for me to take The Swimmer to the airport, I just couldn't stop crying. The Swimmer is great about it though, he's so comforting and sweet and truly tries to make me feel better even though he's sad too.

We had a really nice and relaxing weekend. Went out to dinner on Friday night with one of my neighbors and Crazy Girl which was good and then did a whole lot of nothing on Saturday. Sunday we went to my first ever professional baseball game which was a lot of fun. And Monday just went by way too quickly.

We talked about him coming to my Mom's house for Thanksgiving, which ended up being a funny discussion. He didn't know that when I invited him to come to meet my Mom, brother, sister-in-law and nephews for Thanksgiving that it would be for the whole weekend. He thought it was just for Thanksgiving and for that night. He thought it was just a 4 hour drive from where I live to my Mom's. It's actually an 8 hour drive, so going for one night is really not an option. I told him I would understand if he didn't feel comfortable coming for the whole weekend, that we would just figure out another time for him to meet my Mom and the rest of the family when it would be a more comfortable situation. He was so cute about it though and it was funny seeing him get all nervous about meeting my Mom and brother. He was like, "what would it be like?" "where would we sleep?"

So then Tuesday night when we were talking on the phone, he asked me if I wanted to know what he was thinking about on the plane ride back to LA. He told me that he would come to my Mom's house for the Thanksgiving weekend because he knew it meant a lot to me, even if it made him uncomfortable, he wanted to do it for me. This man is really the best! I just wish he knew it for himself. I told him again that I wouldn't want him to do anything that would make him that uncomfortable and that we'll discuss it again later, but that I was sure that we'd be able to figure out another time when it would be more comfortable for him to meet the family. He really is so sweet though.

Then, he was talking about how hot it was in his bedroom at night when he got back from visiting me. (Remember, he only has a window unit AC in his living room, nothing in his bedroom, not even a fan and there was that heat wave in LA over the weekend) He said that he couldn't wait until he moves out of this apartment and doesn't have a roommate anymore. So I said, "Well, what about me?" He said, "We'll get a place together!" I told him as long as it has central air, I'll be happy!

On another note, I am still a bit peeved about what happened with Crazy Girl and my birthday. I know I should just let it go, but I'm just very annoyed with her. Almost everything she says annoys me now or frustrates me. What sucks is that her and I are roommates at our out of town work meeting next week. Oh well. At least we won't be together for all of the meetings all day. I am supposed to go to the mall with her this Saturday, but I might just have to cancel on her for that. I think I need to have all the alone time I can get before I'm stuck with her for a few days straight. Good thing I'll be seeing The Professional tomorrow, maybe she can help me figure out how to deal with this or get over it. Maybe Crazy Girl is somehow jealous of my focus on The Swimmer? I don't know, crazy hypothesizing on my part. . .

A Quickie

Not feeling up to really posting right now, but just wanted to let you all know that The Swimmer definitely didn't disappoint with my birthday present. He got me a beautiful necklace with a pearl pendant on it. We had a fantastic weekend together which I promise to post more about tomorrow, I'm just too busy being sad right now since I dropped him off at the airport to really post. So, more tomorrow!

The Birthday

Well, I am now officially 26 years old. Not old by any means, but it was definitely a hard one for me to accept. Nothing really special about the day, I worked like usual and ran around, still trying to find a cute top or dress to wear out to dinner on Friday night.

Can I say something without sounding like a spoiled brat or anything? I'm kind of sad about the presents. I still have one present to get and that is from The Swimmer when he comes tomorrow night. My Mom is kind of in a financial bind right now, so I told her not to get me anything and I'm okay with that, but she still did send me some really gorgeous orchids. Otherwise though, the one person I was counting on getting a good present from, Crazy Girl, completely and totally disappointed me to the point where I am so sad and really angry at her. First of all, Crazy Girl and I went out to dinner last night. She didn't even offer to pay for my dinner. I was shocked, but didn't say anything. Then, she gave me my present.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.








A $5 t-shirt from Wal-Mart. SERIOUSLY?! After I put so much thought into her birthday gift last year? She loves perfume but always has such a hard time picking out perfume for herself, so when I saw that Sephora had this little gift thing where it's a set of like 8 or 10 little samples of different perfumes and then a gift card to get one of the perfumes. Totally the perfect gift for her and she loved it. She then gets me a $5 t-shirt for my birthday?

I could totally understand if she were going through money problems or something, but she definitely isn't. This is the friend who was in the hospital a few weeks ago and I sat in her hospital room with her for 5 hours everyday and brought her stuff to keep her entertained because that is what I thought she would do for me. Now I'm not so sure. The sucky thing is, I can't even tell her that I'm pissed off. I just don't understand why she would do something like that.

I really don't mean to sound bratty or ungrateful, but I'm really upset about this. I just come from the "school of thought" that you kind of give someone a gift of comparable value to what they have given you unless you are not of the means to. Does that make sense? I mean, it's not like I'm rich and she isn't. We have the same job at the same company, and if anything, she makes more and her mortgage is less.

For some reason, this has really upset me today and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. I returned the shirt today because the more I looked at it, the angrier I got, I just had to get it out of my possession.

What sucks is that this almost makes things totally unfair for The Swimmer. He doesn't know it, but his present is really the only real present I'm getting this year (besides good health, family and friends), so I'm really hoping I like it. I hate that I feel like I'm being such a spoiled brat for being sad about my lack of material presents. It makes me sad that I'm caring about that when I should be happy for everything that I already have - the best Mom in the world, a hilarious, sweet, loving and spoiled kitty, a great job with many benefits, a beautiful home that I own, I'm debt-free, I have a nice savings account, a nice 401K, many caring friends, loving family and last but not least a truly sweet and caring boyfriend.

Anyways, I'm sure this weekend will be very relaxing, it better be, because I'm exhausted and I could really use some relaxation!!

The Weekend is Finally Here!

So, I'm watching Back to the Future for the fourth time this week, I know, a little ridiculous. I just can't get enough of this movie! I always get excited when I see it's on and everytime I watch it, even though I've seen it a thousand times, I notice new little things.

I'm taking it easy this weekend, still tired from taking the red eye back from LA. I have to work a convention for a few hours tomorrow, so that sucks, but I really can't complain because that happens once or twice a year. After the convention thing I'm going to the mall to try to find a cute top to wear to my birthday dinner next weekend when The Swimmer is in town.

Also, maybe everyone can help me here, what do you all think of the whole skinny jeans in tall boots look? (When it's cold out obviously!) I like it on other people, but I've never tried it on me. I'm just not sure how it would look. I guess it comes back to what I was explaining to Crazy Girl earlier - "Once you were a fat girl, you're always a fat girl in your head." So, back when I was about 15, I put on a bunch of weight for no reason at all. I went from about a size 4 to a size 12/14. Then, when I was about 17, it just dropped off of me and I went down to a size 2. I have now leveled off at a small size 4 or a size 27 is those designer jeans like Seven or Citizens. I may be 5'4" and a small size 4 or in some cases a size 2, but in my head, I'm still a size 12/14. So, yes, I'm skinny by most standards, but sometimes it's hard for me to see it that way. Now, back to the whole skinny jeans in boots thing... I'm just not sure if I can pull that look off. I feel like it might make me look fat. So, tomorrow after the convention, I'm going to change into my skinny jeans and try on boots with them at Nordstroms before I buy a pair of boots that I can wear with them. I wonder if that trend will even be in this year, but I can still use a new pair of tall boots anyways.

The big birthday is on Tuesday, but the real celebration won't be until the weekend when The Swimmer is in town. Crazy Girl and I are going to go out to dinner on Tuesday though so that I won't be eating dinner alone on my birthday. We'll be having our own special "Lover's Dinner" as we're calling it, but it will be fun.

Off to bed. . .

Oh, and I'm not saying that a size 12 or 14 is fat. Just that a size 12/14 on me was definitely overweight and not healthy. And a size 2 or 4 on me is by no means Nicole Richie-like, definitely more Jessica Simpson like with my proportions, especially my ta-tas/jugs/girls/twins, whatever you want to call them, even though I got a reduction almost 2 years ago, they are still more than a handful, but they don't look like a 60 year old's boobs!

Update

Update to previous post: I decided not to get upset with The Swimmer. As Gator Girl pointed out, it was a family function, it's not like he went out boozing with friends. He went to the party and stayed for maybe 45 minutes and then came back to me. His brother was really happy he came and everyone kept asking about me and told him to tell me to feel better soon. So, no fights or anything.

My stomach is still acting weird, but I didn't let it stop us from going to and enjoying the beach yesterday. It was really nice and I usually don't enjoy the beach. The beach usually really bores me, I don't know why, but it's hard for me to just sit there. But yesterday it felt really good and we even saw dolphins swimming pretty close to the beach.

Anyways, time for me to relax, my weekend ends soon. I'm going to try to eat a sandwich for lunch that way if my stomach doesn't like it, The Swimmer is at work and won't have to witness me and the cramping and trip to the bathroom. . .

Body frustrations and beyond. . .

I am so frustrated with my body right now. It is really ticking me off. It is now Saturday night. Besides my extremely reduced appetite from this new migraine medicine, I have not been able to eat much at all since Wednesday because my oh-so lovely IBS started acting up on Thursday. For me, that means extreme cramping and many trips to the bathroom, so that means I can't eat much because that just adds to the cycle. Because this was acting up so much on Thursday, I almost didn't come to LA on Friday and now I'm wondering if maybe I should have listened to my gut. Literally.

So, here I am in LA. At The Swimmer's. Alone.

And I don't know if I should be mad at him or not for the fact that I am sitting here alone.

Let me fill you in. Everything has been great. Today we lazed around, ran some errands, got me a Jamba Juice (smoothies are great when the IBS is acting up, lets me get some calories in and something besides bread and crackers) and saw "Superbad." After that, we decided to grab some dinner, something light I said, since I figured it was time for me to try to eat some real food. So, we got a grilled chicken wrap for me, nothing fancy. I ate half of it. I was tired, so I took a 10 minute nap. Then it was time for us to get ready to drive to downtown for his brother's birthday party. So, on the way there, I was really feeling not okay and asked him to turn around and he did. I told him not to be mad at me, but that I wasn't sure if I was feeling well enough to go. He asked why he would be mad at me and I said that I didn't know, but it's just something I'm always scared of. (It's happened to me in the past.) So we came back to his place. I told him that if I couldn't go, I still wanted him to go since it was his brother's birthday party. He said he felt bad going without me. I told him that if we could just sit for a little bit, I could see how I feel and maybe I would be able to go. After a little bit, he could tell that I would be forcing myself to go because I still wasn't feeling okay. So he went.

I just don't know how I should feel. Part of me is mad that he went. If the situation were reversed, I don't think I would have gone. Actually, I know I wouldn't have gone. But, part of me isn't mad that he went because I told him to go. And I know that when he gets back, if I tell him I'm mad that he went, he'll tell me exactly that, that I told him to go. He even told me when he left that he wasn't sure if he should go or not and I told him to just go. I know it sounds stupid, but I didn't want him to stay and resent me for not feeling well. It's not like it happens often or anything, but he's always so stressed out that I almost feel like I don't want to do anything that could add to the stress.

What also sucks about this is that I can't tell my Mom that he went without me. She'd be really pissed off about that. And I tell my Mom everything, but it would be one of those situations where I would tell her that and then no matter what he did, she'd never forget that and always hold it against him.

I'm just really frustrated with my body right now. This IBS stuff really pisses me off. What makes it worse is that I've been to GI doctors for it and there really isn't anything they can do for it.

It's at times like these that I wonder what my head doctor would tell me. . .

Ponderings. . .

Well, in just two short weeks, I will be turning 26. This scares me. I know that isn't very old, so there is no need to tell me that. Here's my thing though. Or actually, here are my things... This post might be a bit rambling, but here it goes.

When I see other girls/women on tv or in real life who are 26, I don't feel like I look like them. I feel like they look 26, but I don't. At the same time though, I'm not sure what I look like. I know I certainly don't look like I'm 18 or anything, but I feel like the 26 year olds look so "grown up." That's funny to me though because I've always been told that I'm very grown up and mature for my age. But I see other women who are 26 and I just don't feel like I look like them. Maybe I do, maybe I don't, I don't know. Maybe we all have this skewed view of ourselves.

And I know I'm definitely grown up and settled. I own my own condo, have a fantastic job where I make great money for someone my age, have a nice amount of money in my 401K which I started when I was 23 years old and have grown out of the whole hooking up with guys and getting wasted every weekend phase. But, if I try to put on a real business suit for work, sometimes I feel like I'm a 10 year old girl playing dress up in her mother's clothes.

I told my Mom about this and I think she gets what I'm talking about, but I'm not sure. She said that when she sees women on tv who are 56 (her age) she doesn't feel like she looks that old and doesn't feel like she's that old. She said she's always felt like that and that that's just how it is.

It's just really weird. I always thought I would "feel" differently at 26 than I actually do. I've always felt that way. Like when I was in elementary school, the high school kids looked so old and mature, then I got to high school and I didn't feel that way, but thoguht the college kids looked so old and like they knew exactly what they were doing. Then I got there and guess what, I didn't feel like that. It just keeps happening like that. I guess I always felt that I would have everything figured out by a certain point, but I guess you never do, do you? Or do you?

It's strange to think that at my age my Mom had a child already. I couldn't imagine having a baby already. I know people say that times were different, but wow, that's just crazy to think about.

Again, I know that 26 isn't old by any means, but wow, when I was a kid I always thought I would get married when I was 27 or 28 and who knows if that will happen, but that certainly isn't that far away anymore. That's just so weird.

And don't get me wrong, I totally don't feel like I should be on a "timeline" and I'm not on course with it or anything, but it's just a little weird and a little scary to think that I'm turning 26.

I don't know about this getting older stuff, but I do wonder what The Swimmer will get me for my birthday!

More to Come. . .

Okay, I know that I turn 26 years old in 2 weeks, but one of my favorite tv shows is "The Hills." I really can't get enough of it. Tonight's season premiere was phenomenal and the preview for the rest of the season was jaw-dropping. I will have to comment more on it tomorrow after I watch the episodes a second time, I'm sure I missed some things while I was yelling various things at the tv such as, "What a douche!" "What a bitch!"

Anyways, I'm tired and am going to get ready for bed, but I just wanted to share that. I promise to post my pre-birthday/getting older thoughts tomorrow.

More drugs and The Swimmer

Well, I'll be starting the medication to help prevent my migraines tonight. I spoke with my regular doctor today about it and she agreed that it is the way to go. I can't be put on two other types of medications that can help prevent migraines because I have low blood pressure. She also said that she doesn't think it's necessary for me to switch my birth control, she thinks that neuro was just being overly cautious and if I really want to, I could just switch to a lower estrogen pill, no big deal. She strongly advised against a progesterone only pill because a lot of women get pregnant on them - you have to take it at EXACTLY the same time every night or else it's not effective. So, yay, problems solved. I'm still going to see my old old neuro next week because I think I might just go back to seeing him. It really is hard to find a doctor that you fully trust and like.

One thing I really like about The Swimmer is that when he gets cranky or snippy or anything, he is the first to call me back right away and apologize. This doesn't happen very often, but the few times where we've gotten off the phone and I call him a jerk to myself, I get a phone call within 15 minutes apologizing for being cranky. I really like that. It shows something, maybe how sensitive he is. I don't know, what do you all think? I can't think of the word I'm looking for. He's starting his gym regimen again tonight, so that's good. He hasn't been feeling great about his body lately, he has gained a few pounds, but he is far from fat. What matters is how he feels about his body, so I'm happy that he's going back to the gym. It's weird when your boyfriend is the one constantly saying how he feels/looks fat. Total role reversal! It's funny how this side of the guy comes out, you don't usually hear about it, but I think it's pretty funny. Now I know how guys feel with having to be careful about how they choose their words. When The Swimmer asks if I think he's skinny, I would be lying if I said he was, but that doesn't mean I think he looks fat either. So, I have to say that he looks great the way he is, not too skinny and not fat at all. Wow, it really is hard for guys sometimes, isn't it?

Well, I will have another post in the next couple of days about getting older, it's something I've been thinking about with my birthday coming up in less than a month.

UPDATE: Okay, I just took the new medication. I always get nervous before and when I take new medication for the first time. At least I didn't have to have my Mom on the phone talking me through it and pretty much yelling at me to "Swallow the damn pill already!!" I get nervous because I am a medical nerd and know too much about medical things. I also have a tendency before I take a new medication, to look the drug up on webmd and all of those other dangerous sites. I then read everything about the drug, good and bad, and of course tend to dwell on the bad. Why can't I be a little more ignorant about these things? I know that wouldn't be good either, but I don't like going on the verge of a self-induced panic attack when I take something for the first time, even if it might be something that could really help. Here's an example of how I can talk myself into a panic attack. . . A couple of summers ago, I couldn't get enough of eating my favorite fruit, mangoes. One evening, I had some mango. My throat felt a little funny, but I of course didn't see it that way, I convinced myself that I was all of a sudden allergic to manoes and was going into anaphylactic shock. I then spent about an hour on the phone with my Mom panicking and saying how I wasn't sure if my throat was really closing up or if I was going into anaphylactic shock. I wasn't sure if I should go to the ER because if it was just a panic attack, they would think I was crazy. She told me that if I was really that scared, I should go to the ER or call Poison Control and ask them how to tell the difference between a panic attack and an allergic reaction. I called Poison Control, but never got to speak to anyone, was put on hold and then hung up on. Some good Poison Control is!! I finally calmed down after panicking for a while. Looking back on this, it was hilarious! At the time, not so much.

So, the moral of the story is. . , I need to stay calm and not read up on things on Webmd too much!

Doctors, cooking and The Swimmer

Not too much new, just been really busy this past week with work and doctor's appointments. I'm having a new type of migraine so I was trying to get in to see my neurologist. After that failed and the office staff really pissed me off, I was able to get in to see a new neurologist. He was okay, but I'm going to try to see my old old neurologist this week to see what he has to say. One thing that ticked me off about the new neurologist was that he suggested I start a certain medication, but then seemed to rush me when I wanted to ask questions about it. He also doses this medication different than any other doctor does which alarms me. One thing I didn't like that he had to say was that I should get off my birth control pill and switch to a progesterone only pill, no thank you! The reasoning for that is that women who get migraines with aura, which I now have, are at higher risk for stroke. But, I don't smoke and I have low blood pressure and exercise regularly and I'm young, almost 26, so can't I take a low-dose aspirin daily to off-set the risk? This is why I want to get a second opinion. So, hopefully I'll be able to get in to see my old neuro to advise me. I will say though, that these auras are pretty scary - I pretty much go blind in one eye for almost 30 minutes, I get numbness in my hand, arm and face and have trouble speaking - like I can't find words. When I had the first one, right before my last trip to LA, I thought I was having a stroke, it wasn't fun. One bonus to the new medication I would be starting (recommended not only by this new neuro, but by a neurologist friend of my father's) is that a lot of people lose weight on it. I don't really need to lose weight, I'm a size 4, but it would be nice to lose 5 pounds off my belly, then I wouldn't feel so self-conscious when The Swimmer grabs me there.

Besides the medical drama that is my life, I made a very big purchase on Thursday that I feel slighty guilty about, but not guilty enough to return it. I bought a very expensive designer bag that I have been drooling over. I did get a $150 gift card with this purchase, so that was nice, it will be part of my Mom's birthday present.

I was also going to cook Linguine with White Clam Sauce this past Monday, but I had to abort that. I went through all of the trouble of finding the ingredients and getting the clams. Then, when it was time to clean the (live) clams before cooking them, I picked one up, and part of the clam inside was trying to escape. I was too grossed out to continue, so I brought the whole bag of clams down to my neighbor's and then ate a piece of toast for dinner. I was too grossed out to eat anything else.

I fared better with the cooking last night, I made Pan Roasted Chilean Sea Bass with a soy ginger dipping sauce and stir-fried vegetables. Yum! That is also what I will be eating tonight for dinner. I love leftovers!! I also baked my favorite: Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Brownies. And, so I wouldn't feel so guilty about eating brownies, I replace the oil in the recipe with unsweetened applesauce. It really cuts the fat and you can't taste the difference at all.

As for The Swimmer, I am going to visit him once more before he comes to visit me for my birthday on Labor Day weekend. I will be going the weekend of Aug. 17, so yay! And as far as the whole sex without a condom thing, I think I'm open to that as long as he doesn't cum inside me. I will still want to have a good discussion about it with him before we do it, but I'm definitely open to it now.

Well, must put my clean sheets on the bed - YAY! - and then relax some more. Hope everyone had a nice weekend!

Long Overdue. . .

Where oh where to begin?!

Well, I ended up going to LA on Wednesday instead of Tuesday because I was just so exhausted from worrying about the health issues. My luggage didn't make it on my flight, but I stayed at the airport an extra half hour to wait for the next flight in the hopes that my bag was there. Sure enough it was, so I took a Super Shuttle from the airport to The Swimmer's mom's house for dinner. I got there and met his sister, his brother and his brother's girlfriend for the first time and saw his mom and grandma again. Dinner was good, I was just so exhausted from the flight and the luggage debaucle, but I guess I still managed to make a good impression on the rest of his family because the reviews were: "She's beautiful!" "She's smart and intellectual!" "We really like her!" I also saw most of the family on Friday night at the restaurant The Swimmer and I went to for dinner, but we just chatted for a couple of minutes. Once we got back to his place, while he showered, I decorated his room with birthday decorations to surprise him which he really liked. Then he got his presents. He was happy! I did a good job! YAY!

Thursday I picked up my rental car, got waxed in my "special place" and made a beeline for Jamba Juice. That stuff is like crack. I can not get enough of the Jamba Juice. I don't know what they put in it, but once I have one, I must have one again the next day and the next. Other smoothies just don't compare. I walked along Rodeo Drive to relax and then got insanely lost trying to find my way back to The Swimmer's neighborhood to do some grocery shopping. After ending up in a shady neighborhood, I turned off the "blonde moment" I had apparently been having and found my way to The Swimmer's neighborhood. Did some grocery shopping, ate lunch, some more grocery shopping and then relaxed at The Swimmer's place. He came home and I cooked dinner. We ate, he did the cleaning up (yay! I hate that part!) and then we relaxed. Friday I went to the Beverly Center as soon as I found out they have an H&M there. Bought a few tops then went to Jamba Juice to get my fix before it was time to return the rental car. Friday night, the Swimmer and I went to dinner and then just relaxed. Saturday we met up with one of his friends and hung out for a little bit, but it was too hot out so The Swimmer and I retreated to his living room to relax in the air conditioning. We then went to the phone store so he could pick out his birthday present. We met up with his friend and his friend's girlfriend again for dinner which was fun - lots of storytelling since they've known each other since high school. Sunday we lazed around before catching a late afternoon movie - "Transformers." Amazing movie! I loved it! Easily one of the coolest movies I've seen in a long, long time. We picked up some dinner, ate and watched Entourage. Had a discussion about the whole moving thing again, but it was good. He had work Monday, so I lazed around, slept in and relaxed. Monday night was pretty much dinner and then me being sad and The Swimmer comforting me. Then there was the tearful parting at the airport.

I was so exhausted last week after getting home on the red eye, an early conference call for work Wednesday morning, an early work meeting on Thursday morning and then a busy Friday that I did a whole lot of nothing all weekend. I basically slept in until 11:30am both days and didn't do much all day.

Things with The Swimmer and I are going really well - he continues to be incredibly sweet, sensitive, reassuring and caring which is really nice to see after being together for 6 months. Wow! I can't believe it's been 6 months already. Crazy!

So The Swimmer went and had his yearly physical today. He got a clean bill of health from his doctor. Then he told me that he asked the doctor to test him for all of the STDs and HIV. He told me he did this to reassure me and for my UTIs. I laughed and asked how that would help with that issue. (Which taking a cranberry supplement and drinking a lot of water when I see the Swimmer has REALLY helped.) He said then we could have sex without condoms. (The condoms might be irritating the urinary tract) I told him we'd have to really talk about that.

Hmmmmm..... Not sure how I feel about that. I've only had sex without a condom once and that was with my first boyfriend who I was with for over 2 years and I didn't let him finish inside me. Even though I'm on the Pill and I've been on it for 8 years and take it exactly how I'm supposed to, I think I would get paranoid about getting pregnant. I don't think I'd want him to "finish" inside me. For some reason, and this may sound silly, I feel like that's something really special that should be saved. I sound like someone talking about saving their virginity, but that's kind of what it's like - saving my "cum" virginity - for lack of a better word. I don't know. I think The Swimmer and I will have to really talk about it before I will agree to it. What do you all think?

Here's another big step for me. . . I've gone down on The Swimmer more than with any other guy. It's just something I've never liked doing, but don't mind doing for The Swimmer during foreplay. It's strange, but it just doesn't bother me anymore. I do have my rules - no finishing in my mouth (it's just part of foreplay for me), no touching my head or pulling on my hair, just sit back and enjoy. But I don't feel like any of that is asking too much if I'm going to do it. The Swimmer likes it, but I told him it's not something I'll do all the time and he's happy with that and he's always willing and wanting to reciprocate. It's not really a turn on for me so much, I just know that he enjoys it and that makes me happy. And while I'm doing it, I'm looking forward to the fantastic sex we always have. So it's a win-win situation in my eyes!

Well, that's probably more than any of you want to know about or maybe not, but it's out there! More stories to come, I'm just ready for bed now so more tomorrow!

Update. . .

Okay, I know. I SO need to update, but I just haven't felt in the mood. I promise to update within the next day or so. I promise!

I Feel Like I'm Part of the "Club"

Wow! I've been tagged by London Girl to list 7 random things about me!! It's the first time I've ever been tagged! YAY! I feel like I'm part of the "blogging club" now! Here goes. . .

1. Table manners are very important to me. Example: It REALLY bothers me when people bite the food off their forks so their teeth scrape against the fork. Gives me the chills just thinking about it.

2. If I weren't so lazy, I would wash my sheets every 2 days. There's nothing like freshly washed sheets and a freshly made bed.

3. I didn't get my first boyfriend until the summer before my 18th birthday. That relationship lasted almost two and a half years, although I should have ended it much sooner.

4. I'm very picky about my toilet paper and I'll only buy Charmin.

5. I have to be really cold to sleep comfortably - I keep my AC on year-round at night at 68 degrees with my ceiling fan on high.

6. I love that I wear a size 6 shoe - I can try on the display shoes at stores and usually don't have to bother with pushy salespeople.

7. I can watch Back to the Future Part 1 and 2 over and over again and never get sick of them. Even though I own the DVDs, everytime either one of those is on tv, I watch.

Now I have to tag seven people? Hmmm.... Sarah, Southern Gal, Cute Jewess, Still Making Mistakes, Drama Queen, Sexagenarian in the CIty and one more to come. . .

Boring, I know

Well, since The Swimmer has been absolutely impossible to shop for a birthday present for, I'm going what I think is the boring route. He's getting a book I am positive he will like and he's getting a new cell phone. So boring, but he's one of those guys that has everything already. Has nice wallets, watches, clothes, an iPod, iPod accessories, etc. So, he gets a new cell phone. And damn it, he's going to like it! LOL

So I leave for LA tomorrow evening. I changed my flight from a 5:30pm flight to an 8:30pm flight for the sake of my sanity. Had a very weird thing happen yesterday health-wise, so I'm going to see my neurosurgeon and have an MRI tomorrow morning to make sure it's okay for me to travel. Nothing to worry about, but better safe than sorry, you know? I want to make sure I am able to fully enjoy my week of vacation in LA with The Swimmer.

It will be the first time The Swimmer and I will spend more than just Thursday night to Monday night together, so hopefully things will continue to go as smoothly as they usually do between us.

Here's a little question for everyone that my best college friend and I were discussing. . . Does the guy always have to say the "L" word first? What if he already shows it in his actions? I'm curious to see what those in the "blogosphere" have to say about this!

I'll be bringing my laptop with me on this trip, so if I don't get the chance to update before I leave tomorrow evening, there will be an update while I'm in LA. (I have given up on trying to use a portable DVD player to watch a movie on this flight. The volume never goes loud enough to cover the sound of the plane and I get pissed. So my trusty laptop is coming with!)

More suggestions?

Okay, a final plea! Any other suggestions for a birthday gift for the Swimmer?

Also, can anyone suggest a good movie for me to watch on the plane ride to LA? Looking for a romantic comedy, comedy or light drama! I'm sitting in an emergency exit row seat, so I won't be able to watch the movie they are playing (Premonition), which I want to see, but I'd rather have the comfortable seat! So, any suggestions? I'm tempted to rewatch "Because I Said So" which I thought was really cute. The last trip, I watched "Center Stage" for like the 80th time. I should be getting "Notes On A Scandal" through Netflix before the trip, but I don't know if I really want to watch such an intense movie on the plane.

Taking suggestions!

Long Overdue. . .

So I know an update is long overdue. Things have just been very crazy and busy over the past week. Overall, my trip to LA to visit The Swimmer was great.

Got in early Thursday evening and pretty much just relaxed. Friday, The Swimmer worked all day and I relaxed. The Swimmer didn't say anything since I got to LA about meeting his family, so I was wondering if he didn't want that anymore. I didn't say anything though and figured I would just keep quiet until mid-way through dinner. So, The Swimmer got back from work, we hung out for a bit and then went for sushi. He said that we'd eat dinner and then go back to his place and watch a movie. So I asked if he still wanted to stop by his Grandma's. He said, Yes, of course, that he hadn't said anything because he didn't want me to get too nervous. So, after dinner we stopped by hig Grandma's. She is this adorable little Israeli old lady. I couldn't understand a lot of what she said because she seemed to have a pretty thick accent, but I heard her say how beautiful I am and asked me when I'm moving to LA. She was so cute. We then went next door to his Mom's and surprised her. We ended up hanging out there for about an hour and a half and I also met his Mom's fiance. The Swimmer even brought up how inexpensive real estate is where I live compared to LA and his Mom kept asking more about that. I was shocked, but definitely pleased he brought that up. After that, we just went back to his place and watched a movie.

We both woke up at about 4am to go pee, but I had a sudden, huge feeling of nausea. I told The Swimmer and he tried to make me feel better, but it just got worse. I went to the bathroom and called my Mom to try to talk me down. My cell phone died after a little bit and The Swimmer came to sit with me. After about an hour and fifteen minutes, I was finally able to take an Ativan to go to sleep. Not exactly how I wanted to start off the weekend. The Swimmer told me the next day that he had been feeling a bit queasy too, but didn't want to say anything because he knew it would freak me out.

Saturday night, we went to see The Police. It was definitely quite an experience and so much fun. Sunday, we relaxed and decided to go see a movie. Before we left for the theater, I got paranoid that I was getting a lovely UTI, so I thought it would be a great idea to drink 3 bottles of water and then another bottle when we got to the theater. Smart, huh? Such a blonde moment on my part! I had to get up 4 times during the movie to run to the bathroom.

Monday, The Swimmer went to work, so I slept in late and was quite a bum all day, but I liked it! The Swimmer came home, we went to grab take out and then spent some extra "quality time" together before going to the airport. Fantastic "quality time" I might add! On the way to the airport, I started getting scared that I was going to have a panic attack. Sure enough, I got one. The ride was very bumpy, the airport was the most chaotic I had ever seen it and I didn't want to have another one since I had had one Friday night. After checking it, I told The Swimmer that he could leave and that there was nothing he could do to calm me down from this panic attack. He wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't going to hear otherwise. I trekked to the security line and after making it through, I went to my crowded, noisy gate. I managed to take an Ativan, but it couldn't start working fast enough. As my luck would have it, my flight was delayed. The Swimmer called to check on me and I told him I would call him back in a bit. I called my Mom and she helped calm me down a bit. I just knew that as soon as I got on the plane, I would feel better. Talked to the Swimmer again who was trying his hardest to make me feel better. As soon as I got on the plane, I felt better within 10 minutes.

Saw The Professional today to try to get to the bottom of the panic attacks. When I described what happened in the middle of the night for that first attack, she said that it sounds like it wasn't a panic attack, it was definitely from dinner. She said that it was amazing and such a good thing that even when I thought I was going to throw up, I wanted The Swimmer there to comfort me. This is HUGE for me. To feel close enough and comfortable enough with a guy to feel like I wanted him there at that moment. Normally, in a situation like that, I would have locked the bathroom door and not let him in. As far as the panic attack on Monday night, that was from a feeling that I was only "allowed" or "alotted" a certain number of panic attacks in front of him and after that amount, it's not allowed. This is only from past experience and not from anything or anyway The Swimmer has made me feel. So, after seeing The Professional today, I talked to him and told him this. He reassured me that it doesn't matter to him how many panic attacks I have, that he just doesn't like it when I'm upset and that he wants to do everything he can to help me in that situation. He's so sweet! Thankfully, I see The Professional again once more before I leave for LA in a week.

So, any suggestions on birthday presents for The Swimmer? I need to find out if he has business cards. If he does, I'll get him a business card case with his initials on it and a business card holder for his desk. If not, I don't know what to get him. He has plenty of nice clothes, watches, wallets, etc.

Suggestions?

Okay, I know I've been gone for a while, but I'm still too tired to give an update and I promise to do that tomorrow. But, I have a question for everyone:

The Swimmer's birthday is in a couple of weeks and I still have no clue what to get him. He has plenty of clothes, cologne, movies, music, etc. Can't find a good concert to get him tickets to and he already gets football and basketball tickets from work. Any ideas? This is impossible! I don't want to spend too much money, not more than $150, since we already spend so much money flying to see each other. Every gift I can think of, when I think if he got me a similar gift, I would be pissed. Example: I can think of a book he would like, but if he got me a book for my birthday, I'd be so pissed.

I'm already planning on decorating his room with birthday decorations while he's at work on his actual birthday, but I need to think of a gift. HELP!

Questions. . .

Well, I had a delightful weekend playing the Wii and relaxing. I managed to restrain myself from playing too much, for fear that I would get "Wiiitis." Yes, that is a real thing.

Anyways, off to LA in just a couple of days to see The Swimmer and I can't wait. I just hope that my flare up of my stomach condition calms down before then because it would not be fun traveling on the stomach I have had for the past few days. Positive thinking though and hopefully I will be all better before Thursday. And. . . it looks like I will be meeting his family some time this weekend. His grandma and mother ask about me all the time and they want to meet me, so it will be happening. Luckily I don't think it will be a full-on sit down dinner with them, so that definitely alleviates a lot of the pressure. I'm sure I'll be nervous anyways just because I want to make a good impression since he is pretty close with them and I'm sure their opinion of me will mean a lot to him. SO.... that is just one of the things this weekend holds for me!

I will be seeing The Professional on Wednesday, so that will be good for before I go to LA. I'm sure The Professional will be happy to hear that when I told The Swimmer I had a panic attack last week and I called my Mom, he told me that I can also call him too if I wanted to. And, hearing that my stomach thing is flaring up, he told me that he wishes he were here so he could take care of me, snuggle me and make me tea and toast so I'll feel better. He's so sweet! I think he's a keeper! OH! AND! He also brought up the whole, "How many kids do you want" question today. I was shocked and pleased that I didn't have to bring that up. He asked it by saying if I would be able to deal with the morning sickness and all with pregnancy and when I laughed about it, he said something about having five children, I was like, "What?!" He said he was just kidding and asked how many kids I want. I told him one or two and asked him how many he wants and he said two or three. If he had been serious about five, that definitely would have warranted a serious discussion about how serious he is about that, because I am certainly not going to bear five children, no thank you! And trust me, even knowing he wants two or three, there will still be much discussion (not right now though) about how he plans on raising those kids, etc. Because I will certainly not be a little housewife spending all of my time with the kids, it MUST be 50/50 and a total partnership. Anyways, that's all for now, I'm exhausted!

Wii Mission Accomplished

So, I was successful in getting a Wii yesterday and I have to say that the hour and a half I waited was totally worth it. The first 15 minutes I was playing with it, I couldn't stop laughing because it is so different than any other video game I've ever played. And time really does fly when you're playing it, I think I played for over 3 hours yesterday and I have to say, no wrist weights or anything was needed. I am so sore today. Both biceps are sore and my whole right arm is sore. That boxing game is such a workout. I actually looked up online how many calories you burn playing it and found that it's about 500 calories per hour playing the boxing game if you really get into it, like I was. That's amazing! Some guy lost about 10 pounds in 6 weeks playing his Wii for a half hour each day! Crazy!

A Confession. . .

Okay, so, here it goes, I'm going to confess something. . .

I want a Wii.

There, I said it. I know that I am in my mid-20s, so I shouldn't want to, but I want to buy a Nintendo Wii. It looks like it would be a ton of fun and something that I could quite possibly find myself playing at 3am in my underwear because I just can't stop. Here's the problem, unless I'm willing to pay the normal retail price, they are impossible to find. Yes, I have called 3 local Best Buys, 3 local Targets, the local Toys R Us and the only local Wal Mart and they are nowhere to be found. Toys R Us got some on Sunday, but sold out within an hour. Today, I called a local video game store and the guy told me they just got some in. He couldn't tell me how many, so I told him I was on my way. By the time I got there, just 10 minutes later, he was sold out. Craziness. He said that they are probably getting some in tomorrow, so I should call again tomorrow.

So, here's my plan. . . I have an oh-so-fun "women's doctor" appointment at 8:30am. The video game store opens at 10am and I plan on being there when it opens or shortly after. I will stand there until the shipment comes in at about 11am. If I do all of that waiting and there is no shipping, I will be pissed. That will be my one try and after that, I won't make another attempt to buy one until the shortage is over.

I know. I feel slightly ashamed that I will be going to those lengths to get a Wii. But just think of the hours of endless entertainment I could have not only alone, but with friends over! And, if I buy some wrist weights or use my exercise bands, I could get a great little workout playing the boxing game.

That's all about the Wii for now. . .

I'm off to LA next week to visit The Swimmer and I'm very excited about it. He wants me to meet his family and I feel good about it. I told him I'd be nervous, but he said I have no reason to worry, that they are going to love me. He also told me on the phone the other night that I'm his best friend. That was really sweet, I could feel myself blush and get a little jolt of adrenaline. He's so caring and open with me, it feels amazing. In addition to calling me on his lunch break, on his drive home from work and then before I go to sleep, he has started calling me on his drive in to work in the morning. He first did this yesterday and told me that he just wanted to hear my voice first thing in the morning and wishes I was there with him every morning and every evening. Sigh.....

Well, that's all for now, time for me to relax since I didn't finish work today until almost 9pm. . .

Step by step.... Oooohhh baby

I had to make a reference to New Kids on the Block there, couldn't resist it... I know, I'm such a dork, but I don't care!

I have to say I am a damn good cook! The Chilean Sea Bass I made on Sunday was phenomenal and I had enough for three days of leftovers! I really can kick some ass in the kitchen.

Steadman surprised me and worked with me on Tuesday, but the day went by surprisingly fast and he gave me a fantastic review.

I saw The Professional on Wednesday morning and she confirmed what Drama Queen and some others had told me about The Swimmer - that it absolutely was not a bad thing what happened when The Swimmer and I talked the Sunday he was here. That he is not freaked out in a bad way, only that he likes to think everything through very carefully, that it's okay to be scared about taking such a ginormous risk and that his being worried about me getting sick of him is totally about his own insecurities in himself and definitely not about being unsure of our relationship or anything. I really like going to The Professional, she really helps put everything into perspective and helps calm me down when I freak out about things or start overanalyzing. She's fantastic. I always feel fabulous when I leave The Professional's office - there's something about having a whole hour to talk about yourself without having to reciprocate and analyze anything and everything to pieces with someone who knows about people and the way they think. I don't know why therapists get such a bad rap a lot of the time. I'm sure there are some not-so-great ones out there, but I don't think that's too common, but I don't know. Maybe I just stumbled upon a really great one!

The Swimmer told me yesterday that at dinner at his mom's house the night before, his grandma was asking about me and told him to tell me she said hi. I thought that was absolutely adorable. I really like old ladies. I know that sounds random, but they are just fantastic - so wise with such a great perspective on life and relationships. So now he wants me to meet his grandma! Which, of course, I would be more than happy to. Big step!

Cooking. . .

Well, not much to report on, a pretty uneventful weekend for me. Saw "Knocked Up" on Friday night with some friends, that movie is absolutely hilarious! Yesterday I went and saw "Spiderman 3" alone which wasn't bad but it wasn't great. I went alone because I really wanted to be gross and eat movie theater popcorn with a lot of butter as well as a cherry icee and plus, no one I know, besides The Swimmer was interested in seeing that movie. Last night, my neighbor, the one who has a problem with drinking and some drugs, we were supposed to go out to sushi, but she cancelled on me saying that she had a lot of stuff to do before her trip to Europe with her family and she also really wanted to go out at night, so she wanted to do that instead of going to dinner. She seriously has a problem with partying if she will cancel on a true friend who is doing her a huge favor by watering all of her plants while she's gone for 2 weeks. So, she'll be hearing from me about that. That just ticks me off, it doesn't surprise me, but it really ticks me off when someone can't see that they have a problem.

The Swimmer was really sweet last night. He called a few times while he was at an old friend's house watching the basketball game. When he got home, he called and told me how much he misses me and how much he wishes I lived in LA so we could always be together. I told him to remember that next time I bring up the whole moving things and he gets freaked out. He said once again that I didn't freak him out and that I had just caught him off guard. And I will admit that him bringing it up this time totally caught me off guard and I was speechless for a minute. I'm glad I brought all of that up because now I know he's thinking about all of it too and I know that I have nothing to feel insecure about.

Today I ran a bunch of errands so I could make roasted Chilean Sea Bass for dinner. We'll see how this turns out, I've never made it before, I've just had it in restaurants and it's been amazing. I'll be really pissed if it's bad because just the fish itself cost me $16. I can usually cook a few dinners with $16, so we'll see if it was worth it or not. It would definitely only be a once in a while thing if it's good. Well, the timer just went off, so we'll see!!

How the weekend flies. . .

It took me so long this morning to get out of bed. I was just still sad that The Swimmer went back to LA last night. I woke up a few times during the night sleeping on my left side (I usually sleep on my right side), the side I sleep on when I'm with The Swimmer, and I got so sad because he wasn't there. We had another fantastic weekend together and will have to wait another 3 weeks to be together again. Long distance relationships really are hard, but both The Swimmer and I think what we have is worth it.

I brought up the idea of me moving out to LA again and he acted a little freaked out which made me feel insecure. I told him that he was acting all freaked out and he apologized and told me that I caught him off-guard. I just told him that for both of our sake's (if that makes sense, but you get the picture) we both need an endpoint to the long-distance part of our relationship and I just wanted to talk about what that would entail. I told him how back in February, he brought this up and said he didn't want to be long-distance for more than a year and I had agreed. He just said how he agrees and sees my point and wanted time to really think about it in detail. I told him how the way he was acting made me feel insecure. This made him really sad and he told me that I have nothing to worry about, that he cares about me so much and doesn't want me to ever feel insecure about the way he feels about me and that he wants to make sure that we do everything right. He said that it's a big risk for me to move out to LA and he's worried that I'll be sick of him after a month. I told him that there is a risk in everything and you can't live life always worrying about the risk and that we know each other better than a lot of couples given that we've known each other for 5 years and we've been in a relationship for almost 5 months and we talk on the phone at least 3 or 4 times a day as well as e-mail throughout the day. He agreed and apologized for being caught off guard and making me feel insecure.

That was the "scary" part of the weekend for me and probably for him too. Yesterday morning, I woke up sad that he was leaving and couldn't stop crying. He was really sad too and promised to lay in bed with me and hold me for as long as I wanted and that he loves being with me and didn't want to leave either, but he had to. It was another teary parting at the airport last night, but he has text messaged me several times today and e-mailed me a few times today about how much he misses me.

Besides the scary part and the sad morning, we had a lot of fun together going out to dinner, going to the movies, watching basketball on tv, watching more movies and just relaxing together.

So, any input from other people who have been in successful long-distance relationships? How did you make the transition from long-distance to same city? Did you move in with your significant other right away or have your own place? Who moved and why? How did you know you wouldn't get sick of each other once you lived in the same city? Is it something you just knew or was it a risk?

Obviously, The Professional and I will have much to discuss during my next appointment!

After the final. . .

Wow. I am REALLY impressed with how well Bevin is composing herself on "After the Final Rose." Good for her! She seems very mature and level-headed about the situation. I don't know how I would react if I were in her situation, but I could only hope to be as mature and solid as she is being. Yay Bevin!

Anyways, I'm really hoping that Andy and Tessa make it, they seem like a very sweet couple. They also seem very realistic about the situation and that they need to get to know each other all over again without all of the tv show fake romance stuff. Can't wait to see what happens with them!

The Bachelor and the visit

Okay, so I'm totally excited for the season finale of The Bachelor tonight. I'm rooting for Tessa who I've been rooting for since the first episode. Now, I'm not a devout Bachelor watcher. I have watched only a few seasons, but started again last season and continued watching this season.

First, let's discuss The Bachelor himself, Andy. What to say about Andy. Well, he seems to be a very nice guy, very well-rounded, smart and dorky in a good way. But Andy, poor Andy, doesn't seem to have taken very good care of his skin. Though he is only about 30 or 31, his skin looks leathery and he has a lot of deep wrinkles in his forehead as well as crow's feet and marionette lines. Is it just me or do his teeth look funny too? I know, I know, don't be so superficial Not-So-Single Girl. These are just things I'm pointing out, I'm not saying no girl should like him because he has leathery skin and funny teeth. Like I said before, he seems to be a really good guy and not sleazy like some of the previous Bachelors have been.

On to the girls. I hope he picks Tessa although I think he'd be happy with Bevin too. I like both of the girls but feel he has a more "real" (if that's possible in a reality dating show) connection with Tessa. I think his connection with Bevin is more physical, but there is an emotional connection there too. I just feel like Tessa was more guarded than Bevin and didn't hurry to open up to Andy.

Okay, here I go sounding superficial again, but whatever: I hope he doesn't propose with the ring they show on the preview. It's just not my taste - a very plain, round cut diamond in a plain setting. It's nice, but just not my preference. I prefer princess or emerald or jubilee cut diamonds, either in a plain setting or with some baguettes on the band. My Mom already knows what I would like, so whoever the guy is that decides he wants to marry me should be smart enough to seek my Mom's help in picking a ring. Anyways, I'm excited to see what happens on tonight's 2 hour episode!

On to other things... Nothing too exciting to report, I had a very relaxing weekend on my fantastic new sheets. They are Hotel Collection sheets from Macy's, 500 thread count pima cotton and they are so fabulous. I really did not want to get out of bed all weekend because the sheets were so soft and comfortable.

The Swimmer comes to visit me this weekend! YAY! I'm so excited and can't wait until he's here with me. It will be nice to not be the one traveling this time. I just can't wait to be with him again and be together. I've been checking ticket prices to go visit him in LA in June and they haven't gone down at all since I started checking on them in March. Grrrr.... And there aren't any award tickets available so I can use my award miles to get a ticket, so annoying. Anyways, The Bachelor is about to start!

One more thing, they really need to not play that "love lift us up where we belong" song in the cheesy orchestral version. I know it's called The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, but seriously, it's too corny.

UPDATE:

Ugh, I have this bad feeling he's going to pick Bevin and not Tessa. I guess I'll have to wait and see. . .

UPDATE 2:

Okay, I really think he's going to pick Bevin. She told him she loves him and then they were hugging and he whispered to her that he loves her too.

UPDATE 3:

Okay, how can a guy tell a girl he loves her and then the next day, be making out and having strong feelings for another? How can someone be capable of that? Is it truly possible to be in love with two people at the same time? I just don't think so. I know it's a tv show and all, but still, that's a pretty crappy thing to do. I don't understand guys.

UPDATE 4:

He just told Tessa he loves her after she told him she loves him. I just don't know about him.

UPDATE 5:

Okay, I think he's not picking Bevin. He's picking Tessa. Didn't see that coming! I totally thought he was going to pick her, he was wearing the watch she gave him. I hope he takes the watch off before he proposes to Tessa. That's pretty tacky if he doesn't. Bevin has nothing to say. Damn girl, don't you know you're going to regret not saying anything to him? You have to say something. Can't wait to hear him propose to Tessa. Now Bevin is saying how wrong she was and how she took a chance and put herself on the line - well, yeah, you have to put yourself on the line, that's how love is. You have to take risks. Okay, I think he took the watch off. Man, I do feel bad for Bevin. Getting your heart broken sucks. It really does feel like your heart is breaking. It's just an awful, painful feeling that sucks and once you feel it, you never want to feel it again. But that's the tricky part - risking getting your heart broken after feeling it happen once before.

UPDATE 6:

The proposal was pretty good. But ABC just ruined it by playing the orchestral version of the "love lift us up where we belong" song and it's so corny. I'm curious to see if these two last since not many of the other couples have made it.

Grey's Running Commentary...

Okay, so let me say something about Grey's Anatomy. I can't stand the character of Meredith Grey. She is so whiny. So what you have family issues. Doesn't everybody?! As far as tonight's episode, Derek should dump her too-skinny, whiny ass. Last week when she was having all that drama, she totally left Derek out of the loop. If you love him so much and he has told you that he wants to be there for you, why did you ignore him and not let him in? I really wish she weren't the main character. The show would be much better if it revolved around Christina or Izzy, they are much more relatable and actually deal with their issues rather than just sit around and whine about them all the time. I don't like the route the writers went as far as having Izzy get with George, but whatever. I love Izzy as a character and Christina is just hilarious with her ambition and distaste for typical "girly" things. I don't understand why everyone calls Sloan "McSteamy," but that's just my taste. He does nothing for me. But I'm not one of those girls who goes after the bad guy, I much prefer the less dramatic good guys. And the writers should bring on the annoying resident girl full-time (can't remember her character's name, but I know the actress in Kali Rocha or something, she played the flight attendant in "Meet the Parents.")

Okay - WOW. How amazing were Burke's vows to Christina?! I got all teary-eyed. So freaking sweet. And WOW. What a HUGE mistake George is making by having a baby with Callie. And I don't feel one bit sorry for Alex liking Eva/Rebecca and her husband coming to find her. If you like someone, tell them. Don't hide it you jackass!

How hilarious are Christina's eyebrows?! Or shall I say, lack of eyebrows! That is such a fear of mine when getting my eyebrows waxed by someone new - they'll pull off the strip of wax and along with that strip goes all of my eyebrows.

How the flip did Bailey not get chief resident?! And on top of that, Callie got it?! The only person besides Bailey I could stand being chief resident would be Sydney Heron (the hilarious one I was talking about above, the really annoying resident). At least she's funny, but she also seems like she knows her stuff.

Okay, here is what I said when Meredith decided to run off to Christina's wedding after Derek opened his heart to her:
"You stupid f**king skinny bitch!" She is such an emotional disaster that she can't open up and reciprocate to the man that loves her unconditionally. She so does not deserve a guy like him.

Yeah, I figured George didn't pass his exam. Poor Bailey for thinking she failed him. So, does this mean TR Knight is not returning to the show? Good luck to him if that's what this means. He's a good actor, but not as good as a lot of the people on this show to where he could do other things with as much success.

Wow. Burke left. So does that mean he's off the show? Wow. Poor Christina but also not poor Christina. I can understand what Burke said about him trying to make her into a person she isn't, but at the same time, she was still her own person, but she was becoming less stubborn by doing some things just for him. Maybe I'm not understanding this right now because I'm blonde and sometimes it takes me a little more time to "get" things, but why was Christina crying and then saying that she was free? Hmmm... Something to ponder.

Once again, Meredith is such an idiot for acting the way she's acting with Derek. Idiot. I.D.I.O.T. I don't feel bad for Alex. Eva gave him a chance to open up to her and he blew it. You snooze, you lose. You don't always get a second chance.

ANTM

Okay, so I have to confess that sometimes I get really into the TV shows I watch. I'm watching the season finale of "America's Next Top Model" and I have to admit that I'm nervous to find out who wins. I get this way sometimes and it really cracks me up. And for all of you who watch ANTM, who are you hoping wins? I'm rooting for Natasha, she's just hilarious and has really grown on me. When this season started, I didn't like her at all, but now she's my favorite. Back to the show. . .

UPDATE:

Son of a monkey's uncle!! Damn! Friggin Jaslene won ANTM. I'm sorry, she takes some great pictures and all, but like the judges on there have said before, she looks like a drag queen. Grrrrr.... Oh well, Natasha does have a baby and a husband, even though she's like 20 years old or something, but I think she might have a great career in modeling if she pursues it. If not in modeling, in the spotlight somehow because she has such a great personality. Anyways, now I have to watch the American Idol results show. And, if you care to know, I'm hoping Blake gets kicked off tonight, I REALLY don't like him and his beatboxing.

UPDATE 2:

Seriously?!?!?! This is bulls**t!!! How the hell can crappy Blake stay on and the best singer in the whole competition, Melinda, get sent home?! Once again, I've been rooting for Melinda from the beginning and thought she should have won. While I like Jordin, I think she's too young, she's only 17, to handle the fame. When it comes to next week though, Jordin better win. If Blake wins, that's it, I'm never watching that show again!

That was easy!

Well, my day with Steadman (my manager) yesterday was very easy. We worked together in the morning and then shortly after lunch, he left me for the day to do some work he had to do before a manager's meeting he has tomorrow and Thursday. So, instead of working with me on Thursday, he worked with me today. Well, today he didn't meet up with me until about 12:30pm at a lunch and after the lunch, Steadman, Eyeliner (the girl I work with, obviously named that because she wears way too much eyeliner for day) and I sat down to discuss some difficult offices we work with. Once we finished that at 3pm, Steadman left to finish preparation for his meeting. So, it was a very easy time with Steadman this month, as opposed to previous months. He seems to understand a lot of the problems that some changes my company has made have created, so that made me feel better. I've also been thinking about taking some online classes and found out that my company will partially pay for them as long as they are relevant to my job. So, I will be looking into that further. I could stand to exercise my brain with actual knowledge rather than evaluating contestants on America's Next Top Model or The Bachelor. (By the way, I'm rooting for Natasha and Tessa, respectively)

Anyways, I'm very much looking forward to The Swimmer's visit next week. I spoke with my best friend from high school, the one who introduced me to The Swimmer 5 years ago, we'll call her Island Girl (for reasons I will not explain). She still doesn't know that The Swimmer and I are together or even anything remotely close to that. I've explained before why I haven't told her, basically because she doesn't know The Swimmer as he is now, only as he was 5 years ago, which is very different. 5 years ago, The Swimmer was immature, a slacker college student and a bit of a pothead. Now, The Swimmer is mature, ambitious, romantic, sweet and so caring. Island Girl knows that I am dating someone and has heard almost everything about him and how fabulously he treats me. I almost told her yesterday, but I've decided to wait another month. I would really like to tell her in person, but she lives in NYC. I'm hoping that within the next month, she'll be visiting me, which is why I'm waiting another month. I really just can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her, she's going to be beyond shocked but I'm sure, very happy for me.

Well, time to exercise my brain by watching House....

Another quick weekend. . .

Why is it that just when you start to relax, the weekend is over?! I ended up running all around town yesterday, running errands, so no rest for me yesterday. And then today, after watching a movie, I did a bunch of work stuff that I've been putting off. Now that I'm done with that, I only have about another hour and a half of relaxation until I have to go to sleep. Steadman, my manager, is working with me tomorrow. Oh joy. I can't complain though, he hasn't worked with me since February, so I need to just suck it up and get it over with. So, yeah, Steadman is working with me tomorrow and then on Thursday. I'm hoping that he won't work with me all day since he has a regional manager's meeting on Tuesday and Wednesday. So I'm thinking that maybe he'll want to end the day early tomorrow to prepare for the meeting and then maybe he'll want to end early on Thursday because he'll be tired from the meeting. Hmmm... I guess I'll find out soon enough!

The Swimmer is fantastic as ever. Had an appointment with The Professional on Friday which was great. I brought up how The Swimmer and I have been together for about as long as The Idiot and I had been together and how different the relationship is. With The Swimmer, I'm so comfortable. I don't constantly analyze everything and over-think what I'm going to say and the planning of things. With The Idiot, a lot of times, I felt like I had to be careful about saying certain things or planning things. My relationship with The Swimmer is so natural and just how a relationship should be. We're so comfortable with each other and if I want to say something or ask something, I can, no over-thinking anything. I'm just really happy with The Swimmer and it's a fabulous feeling. I'm so excited for him to come visit me soon, I wish we could afford flying to see each other every other weekend instead of every two or three weekends. I just can't believe it's already May, this year is flying by so quickly. It's true, the older you get, the faster time goes by.

The weekend flew by. . .

YAY! No panic attacks all weekend!! YAY! YAY! YAY! I'm thinking that the panic attacks I had the first weekend I went to LA to visit The Swimmer were because it was my first time there and like The Professional said, I wasn't letting out my emotions. Since doing that, I have definitely made progress. For once, I am finally giving myself credit instead of being so hard on myself like I usually am. Anyways, on to the weekend...

We had so much fun and the weekend went by WAY too quickly. I got in Thursday night and after a quick shower and some realxing, The Swimmer and I went to sleep. He was up for work early Friday morning and I slept through most of his getting ready, I was so exhausted from such a busy past couple of weeks and really having no weekend when my brother was in town. After he got back from work, we relaxed and then got dressed to go for sushi. Saturday was nice, we relaxed all morning and then got showered and dressed and met up with his friend and his friend's girlfriend. Then it was off to Disneyland. His friend's girlfriend also gets carsick so we ended up taking two cars, which I was happy about. Remember how The Swimmer said the drive to Disneyland was long? Yeah, it took maybe 35 minutes, no big deal. We're just driving along and all of a sudden the next exit sign I see on the interstate was for Disneyland. Disneyland was a ton of fun, but absolutely exhausting. By the time we left, our legs felt like they weighed a ton and The Swimmer drove us home quickly where we passed out in minutes. Sunday was spent recovering from Disneyland, so we just ran a couple of errands and then watched some movies. Monday morning we were up early and then The Swimmer was off to work. It was strangely hot yesterday in LA, so I was trying to avoid going out in the heat, but there was no food for lunch in the apartment, so I was forced out. Luckily, The Swimmer lives close to The Grove in LA, so I went and walked around for a little bit and grabbed some lunch. I walked back to his place and relaxed in the living room where the A/C is until The Swimmer got home from work. He brought home sushi for dinner and we ate and relaxed together before some last minute cuddling before it was time to take me to the airport. =(

We did have a little spat, but it was quickly resolved. It basically comes down to The Swimmer being extremely sensitive. Sometimes sensitive to the point where I'm hesitant to say something because I don't want him to take it the wrong way. This came up on Sunday evening in a strange way and I told him that I like that he's sensitive, but he can't take everything personally and he can't always be perfect. He said that he always wants to be perfect for me and do everything right so sometimes when I say things, he takes it hard and personally and nobody can be perfect all the time and everyone needs to be shown new things or new ways of doing things sometimes. And that though I like that he's sensitive, he can't be sensitive to the point where I don't bring things up because I'm scared he'll get upset about it. The Swimmer agreed and apologized for upsetting me and said that he would try not to be so hard on himself. So that "spat" was kind of a good thing since it showed us that we can communicate well with each other.

It was definitely a tearful goodbye last night at the airport and I know it was hard for The Swimmer too. But, like he kept reminding me, we'll be together again in two and a half weeks when he comes to visit me over Memorial Day weekend. Anyways, time for me to relax, it's been a long day since I took the red eye back last night, so I need to vegetate.