Thursday, October 25, 2007

Que sera, sera?

Everything is still pretty much the same around here, just going about my regular life and waiting for someone to buy my loft!! It's funny, my loft has only been on the market for less than a week, yet I'm frustrated that I've only had one showing so far. I need to be patient and remember that people usually look at houses during the weekend, so hopefully this weekend I'll have more showings. If not, I'll certainly be putting in a call to my realtor on Monday to see what we can do to get things moving.

In the meantime, I'm finding that because I have so little control in the situation, I am fixating on the few things I do have control over. One of them being where to live when I do move. That's actually fun! I've decided that I'll rent a condo or loft in whatever city I move to instead of renting an apartment. I've definitely found (and this is just from my personal experience so no one take any offense to what I'm about to say!) that people who rent apartments don't have as much respect for their surrounding environment and neighbors as people who own their own condo. When I've lived in an apartment, I've had to deal with noisy neighbors, dirty hallways, overflowing trash dumps, etc. Now that I've owned my own place, while there have been times when my neighbors have been noisy, it's definitely been rare and when I've said something, the offending neighbor apologizes profusely and immediately stops the noise. When that has happened in an apartment building, the noise often gets louder. So, again, that's just what I've experienced, but I'm taking that and learning from it and using it for the future!

Things with The Swimmer are pretty much the same. He's coming to visit in two weeks and he wants to plan a vacation together. I just want him to be open to visiting South Florida. Is that too much to ask?! Not going to go into that again though. Only time will tell! I just know that I love him and I want us to be together and if it's meant to be, everything will work out!

And can I just say how awesome tv shows have been lately?! Gossip Girl - AMAZING!! Prison Break - FANTASTIC!! America's Next Top Model - FABULOUS! Grey's Anatomy - STILL GREAT!! The Hills, The Bachelor, Dirty Sexy Money, Private Practice, etc. I could go on and on!! This year with tv is just too good, there are too many tv shows, my dvd is constantly recording something, it's crazy.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

It's all about me. . .


I know I've been gone for a while, but there's been a lot going on. When I last posted, things with The Swimmer had been resolved. Basically, the night I was leaving LA, he told me he realized that he hadn't been fair to me when he said he wouldn't consider living in South Florida and that he needs to at least visit SFL and see if it's a place he would want to live. He also said that he had gotten the name of a therapist from his mom and that he was working up the courage to call and make an appointment, but that he was scared. I told him that I understand being scared, but in order for us to work, it's something he needs to do. He promised me he would make an appointment and go within the next few weeks.

So I left LA happy knowing that The Swimmer was going to see a therapist soon to start working on his issues and that we would take a trip to South Florida together in November or December so he can see what it's like.

This past Wednesday, I put my loft on the market. This was really hard to do. This loft is the first home I've ever owned and I bought it when I was only 24 years old. It took a lot of hard work to be able to buy it, but I did it and it was a huge accomplishment. So needless to say, it was really hard to sign the papers that put my loft up for sale. It's hard to think that someone else will be living here soon. Hopefully it won't take too long to sell and hopefully I'll get the money I want for it.

Wednesday night, after telling The Swimmer how hard it was for me to sign the papers, he tells me that he's "considered" moving to South Florida and he doesn't want to. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think that thinking about it for a few days is really considering it. Considering moving somewhere is actually visiting a place, seeing if there's jobs there, seeing what it's like, that's considering it.

What it comes down to is that he's scared of leaving his comfort zone. He tells me I mean the world to him and he loves me with all of his heart, and that means a lot to me, but that means even more that you need to really fully consider it and not just think about it. You can't let being scared of leaving your comfort zone prevent you from doing something.

He said that it's risky for him to move because what if it doesn't work out, then he'd have to move back to LA and find a new job. I pointed out to him that it's way more risky for me if I moved to LA and it didn't work out because I couldn't just move back home and find a new job within a week or two like he could, I'd be stuck in LA for at least a year. And even if things are going great between he and I, if I step into the same work situation I'm in now - crappy geography, too laidback manager - I risk losing my job. If that happens, I'm out of work for 6 months to a year, that's just how it is in the industry I work in. So I have to be really careful with the decision I make.

After explaining all of this to him, he told me that he didn't know that and he should have talked about it more with me and that he needs to think about it more. I told him that I would try and find out more about the work situation for me out in LA to see if I could get any info on the manager and geography.

The Professional keeps telling me that even if I move to South Florida, it doesn't mean that things would be over between The Swimmer and I, and I agree. I love him and I know he loves me, and while the long distance thing sucks, I also need to think about the whole picture. I've made the mistake too many times in the past of not looking at the whole picture or only focusing on the man in my life and not on me and I've always felt bad about that and wished I'd done things differently. This time, I need to do things differently. And yes, I am leaning more towards South Florida at this point, but LA isn't out of the picture. As much as I am not a fan of South Florida, career-wise, it's a guaranteed good move - I'm guaranteed a good territory, the BEST manager, a promotion and it's going to help secure my job. While it would be nice to be closer to family, it would suck to not have any friends in the area, but it's always been easy for me to make friends. As far as LA, career-wise, it's definitely not guaranteed at all - I could very well be stepping into a situation much like the one I'm in now or even worse. Even if it were better than the one I'm in now, it wouldn't be as good as the one I could have in South Florida. I'd have The Swimmer there though, which would be amazing! No friends or family though.

So, there it is. There's the huge update. And I completely apologize for the long absence, but with all of this going on, it's been hard to have any motivation to do anything but watch tv. I promise to post regularly again now that I've caught up!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

More soon...

Too tired for the full update right now, but The Swimmer and I had a really good talk last night before I left LA and he has somewhat redeemed himself from Saturday night. More later, but for now, I must take a nap. Red eye flights are great, but very tiring!

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Can the drama ever calm down?!

Well, I opened the discussion with The Swimmer about moving and where I should move to. He wants me to move to LA, which I already knew, but once again, when I asked if he would be open to moving to South Florida, his answers changed between maybe and no. So frustrating. He's never even been to Florida. And, according to him, people don't just pick up and move places, at least not the people he knows. So, I said, Why not? Why not move somewhere besides where you've lived all your life while you're still young and you aren't tied down by your career? He didn't really have a good answer for that. Then he said I was putting a lot of pressure on him. I told him that the only person putting any pressure on him was himself, as he does all the time. I told him that this is a big deal for me and it's not an easy decision, that I can't just do what's best for my career and I can't just do what I want for my love life. They are both important to me and that's why this is so stressful for me. The Swimmer feels like this makes our relationship complicated. Uhhh... HELLO?! Welcome to being an adult jackass! Life is complicated. Life is full of big decisions. Life is never easy. It just doesn't work that way. Anyways, I'm kind of feeling like I don't mean enough to him for him to move for me, even though it would just be for a year or two. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Sorry for the venting and rambling, but I'm typing this while he's in the shower and I just feel like I need to get this off my chest and make sure I'm not crazy for feeling like I am. . . Where's The Professional when I need her?

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Life Really Is a Soap Opera!

So, I guess soap operas sometimes aren't that far off from real life. But then again, I guess it depends on the soap opera. . . Sorry for my lack of posting recently, I've just been stressed out with family drama and a lot of work drama. I won't go into the family drama here, but it's nothing horrible, it's just stuff that's really frustrating and stuff that doesn't concern me directly, but I know I'll be hearing a lot about it soon and even though I've tried to help, my advice was not taken. So... that's that.

As far as work drama... From the way it seems now, it looks like I might be putting my loft on the market very very soon. Success at my job depends a lot on the geography I am assigned to work. Earlier this year, my geography changed and it now sucks. A lot. And, on top of that, my manager is really laidback. Which is great for the most part, but when you want the manager to really do something for you, like promote you or try to get goals changed for you because your geography sucks, it doesn't happen because he's so laidback. So, this means that in order for me to get a new geography and a new manager, I have to move. So.............. the big question is where do I move to?

I could possibly move to South Florida where I would be guaranteed a motivated manager who wouldn't micromanage me, but who would be proactive in getting things done and the geography I would work would be much better than the one I am currently working in. But, I'm not a fan of South Florida. I grew up down there and the people aren't very nice, I don't like the weather, and while I still have family down there, none of my friends live down there anymore. And yes, I know it's easy to make new friends, but still. Also, if I move to South Florida, what about The Swimmer? I'm not sure if he would move to South Florida and this really frustrates me. I feel like he isn't open to living anywhere but LA. Not even for a year. When I ask him about it, I usually get one of two answers, either "Maybe" or "It's too much to think about right now." The last one REALLY ticks me off and makes me want to scream and be like, "You think you're stressed out right now? Try being in my shoes! You couldn't handle it!"

Or, do I move to LA? Work-wise, nothing is guaranteed. I don't know the manager in LA and as far as the geography I would be working, I don't know if it would be better than it is here. I'm going to speak with one of my old managers this week and see if he knows about anything out in LA and if he doesn't, if he knows how to find out about the managers and geography. When it comes to The Swimmer, things are still going great, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to move in with him yet. One of my personal requirements for me moving in with him was that he would have to be seeing a therapist to deal with his issues with his father and all that stuff. That hasn't happened yet and I don't feel like him and I could be successful together like that until he starts working on his issues. I mean, he's human and he has issues, just like we all do, but he needs to be working on resolving some of those issues. I know The Swimmer and I don't have to move in together if I move out to LA, but that would be my main reason for moving to LA and I also don't think I can afford a nice one bedroom apartment in a good area alone. All I seem to be able to find online are 1 bedroom apartments for about $2000 a month. And moving in together because that's the only way it would be affordable is not a reason to move in together.

So, that's just a little bit of the stress I've been dealing with. I know I don't need to decide right this second where to move to, but it just makes it that much more stressful to know you're going to have to move and not know where you're going to move to. Oy, I really need a vacation. I'm going to LA this weekend to visit The Swimmer, but I have so much more crap to deal with this week before I go that I can't even look forward to the weekend yet.


I am really just so stressed out. I'm trying to not let stuff get to me so much, but I just can't stop it. What really makes me sad is that I'm totally on edge constantly. The Swimmer will say something and I'll come so close to losing it on him and luckily, I'm able to stop myself, but it's really hard. Same thing with my Mom, she'll say something and I'll come close to snapping. I really need to get in to see The Professional, but I have someone working with me tomorrow and possibly Thursday before I go to LA. This blows.