Tuesday, January 22, 2008

For the ladies. . .

Okay, question for the ladies out there. . . If you're on birth control, what type are you on? Had my yearly visit with the Lady Doctor today and she wants me to switch birth control to one that is progestin only because of my migraines (they put me at increased risk for stroke, so estrogen isn't the best). I really don't want to switch since I've been on my current pill for about 9 years now and I don't have any side effects or anything, plus it keeps my skin nice and clear! All of the progestin only options are a bit scary to me - Depo Provera, Implanon, Mirena, progestin only pill. But then again, a stroke wouldn't be cool. So, your experiences?

Got the first shot of my Gardasil/HPV vaccine today too. Had that stupid commercial song going through my head the whole time, that was really annoying. "I wanna be one less, one less." Ugh. That shot stung like a son of a you-know-what though. I actually saw stars and I am not a wuss when it comes to shots, I don't flinch or anything usually, but that one really got me.

I'm so excited for "The Moment of Truth" tomorrow, looks like such a ridiculously crazy game show. Should be some good stuff!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The weight has been lifted

Well, that went a lot easier than I expected. Had I known it was going to go so easy, I wouldn't have been freaking out so much, my heart wouldn't have been pounding so hard I was scared it was going to pound right out of my chest and my palms wouldn't have been so sweaty.

Once I finally got the nerve up to call The Swimmer on Thursday night, we talked for a couple of minutes before he asked what was wrong. I told him that I had been thinking a lot about us and that as much as I care about him and love him, I just didn't think we were going to work out. He said something about how he thinks the distance thing sucks and that if I lived in LA, we would be forever. I didn't bother telling him that that isn't true, it wouldn't change anything, let him think that if he truly believes that and if he's just telling himself that to make himself feel better, let him. He said that he had been really worried about me because I seemed really "off" lately. I told him that it's because I've been stressed out thinking about "us" and it's really been bothering me, but I didn't want to say anything until I was absolutely positive because I didn't want to regret anything. He said he understood. He then commented on how it felt kind of weird all of a sudden and I said, "Yeah, because no one did anything wrong here so it's not like anyone is mad." He agreed and told me that he truly cares about me and still wants to be friends and that he is always there for me if I ever need anything, no matter what.

So, that was it. The whole conversation lasted about 8 minutes. The thing about really long-distance relationships is that aside from not talking to The Swimmer 5 times a day, nothing is different. Towards the end, talking to The Swimmer became more of a chore than anything, so I feel better now to not dread those phone calls. I only really had "real boyfriend" stuff - like doing things together, spending lazy weekends together, bedroom fun, going out to dinner, etc., - once every 4-6 weeks, so it doesn't feel like much has changed. It's kind of odd not feeling devastated after a breakup. It also helps that I know that The Swimmer isn't "The One" and that we didn't end on bad terms. That doesn't mean I want to be talking to him either though. He needs to find someone else to talk to about his stress and get obnoxious amounts of reassurance from, not me! Yay!! So glad I don't have to put up with that anymore.

I figure after a few weeks of "me" time or whenever I feel like it, I'll be ready to go back out into the dating world. Now, here's a question, even though I'm planning on moving to another state in April or May, it's still okay for me to date in the same city I'm living in now, right? If I decide to go the online dating route, do I restrict my searches to the city I live in now? Do I add the city I'm moving to as well? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it! For now, I have this weekend to look forward to - Best College Friend is coming to visit and Crazy Girl and I are surprising her with a trip to the male strip club! Should be a very fun weekend!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Like ripping off a bandaid?

So, I decided to wait until I could speak with The Professional. I've never been on this end of "the talk" and I wanted to make sure I was doing it the right way. I finally saw The Professional today and was able to update her on the drama that is my life. It had been a month since I saw her last (she had been out so long because she had surgery) so there was a lot to update her on. As far as The Swimmer goes, she said that basically, there is never going to be a good time to do the breaking up, so it's better to just get it over with so I can stop walking around with the heaviness of it in me. She said it's best to just be straightforward and just get it all out. I should call him though since he usually calls me, that way he's not calling me thinking that he's just calling to chat and then getting hit with this. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of, "I've been thinking about this a lot since you last came to visit and you're a good guy and I love you, but we just aren't going to work out." She said to not try to predict how he's going to react because there really isn't anyway to tell how he will react. And to just be strong and if he tries to ask if he can do things to make it better, to just tell him that "we're past that now and it just isn't going to work anymore."

Even worse is that he called me not too long ago on his lunch break to talk about how stressed out he is with work. For a minute I was thinking about waiting and having "the talk" tomorrow, but you know what? He's ALWAYS stressed out about work, it doesn't matter what day it is, he's always going to be so stressed out with work, so if I plan the talk around that, it'll never happen. He is only working a half day tomorrow, so if he's too upset to go to work tomorrow, he can call in sick, otherwise it's only a half a day, right?

This is awful, but I know I'll feel better once it's all over with. Any advice?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

No experience

Thank you everyone for your nice welcome back and words of wisdom! Unfortunately, I've given The Swimmer enough chances to follow through with what he has said he was going to do and stop doing the things that I've told him are interfering in our relationship. Even if he were to all of a sudden get his act together now and do all of those things, it is too little, too late now and I'm done. I just know we're not meant for each other and I definitely don't see myself with him forever for a lot of different reasons.

Wasn't able to see The Professional yesterday, my appointment had to be rescheduled for next week which sucks because I was obviously really looking forward to discussing all of this with her. I couldn't even call her because she was totally out of the office. So now, I'm just not sure when or how to talk to The Swimmer. I've never been in this position before and it's definitely not fun! I know he's going to be hurt and upset, but how do I make that a little less? I'm tempted to wait until I am able to talk to The Professional about all of this because I just don't know how to handle this, but at the same time, I feel bad knowing how I feel and just keeping The Swimmer hanging on, I feel like it's not fair to either one of us. Any suggestions? Wait? Do it now? What to say?

Sunday, January 6, 2008


Well, where do I begin? I guess I will just say what I have to say and then provide details as needed. I could say that a lot has happened since I took my "blogging break," but I think it would be more appropriate to say that things have intensified for the worse as far as The Swimmer goes and stayed the same as far as work and home life go. So I shall begin the formal update. . .

The Swimmer

It looks like it is coming to the end of the road for The Swimmer and I. He is not going to go to therapy and that is unacceptable to me. I made it clear to him back in September that our relationship would not work unless he worked through his issues in therapy and he agreed. He then promised me he would go to therapy by the end of the year. He also promised me he would come visit South Florida to see what it was like. I made tentative plans for us to go on vacation there and he came up with every ridiculous excuse on the planet to not go. He has not followed through on either of those two promises which he himself initiated. And I can't deal with his issues anymore. I've reached and passed my limit. I can't deal with his constant, and I mean constant, need for reassurance. And I certainly can't be with someone who not only won't follow through on their promises, but who won't take steps to deal with their issues and make themselves a better person, even if they are a little uncomfortable about it.

Needless to say, a vacation anywhere never got planned because of his constant procrastinating because he thought you didn't have to book those things in advance. He blames me for this though and says that I should have pushed him even if he told me that he didn't have time to think about it right then. Seriously? Then, he didn't understand why I wouldn't want to drive 8 hours to South Florida to visit my family, stay there for 4 days, drive 8 hours back to where I live, and then the next day, fly cross-country to LA to visit him for New Year's. He thought that was perfectly reasonable. I was like, "Are you kidding me? I am absolutely not doing that! If you want to see me for New Year's, you can fly here, but there is no way I am doing that!"

He came to visit over New Year's weekend and it was just awful. He kept doing things to annoy me just to get attention. Then when I was trying to talk to him about how stressful things are with work and trying to sell my place, he interrupts me and starts talking about how he's stressed out about work. It's like everything always has to be about him all the time. Same thing when I was trying to talk to him about what happened with my Mom and stepdad, he immediately says, "Would I do that to you?" I was like, "We aren't talking about that! It has nothing to do with you!" His need for constant validation is just so frustrating. I couldn't wait for him to leave.

So, I see The Professional on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like I need to just end it with The Swimmer. I don't see myself with him forever and he has broken two HUGE promises to me. I just don't know how to do it. I've never been in this situation before. It's definitely a tough situation because he's a good guy and I love him, but it's not going to work out. Any advice?

Work and Home

All is still the same as far as waiting for something to open up with work in Florida and my home is still on the market. I've had a lot of showings with positive feedback, but no offers so far. But now that the holiday season is over, hopefully I'll have more showings and some offers. I have a work meeting next week, so I should be able to get some more information as far as possible openings in Florida and when that might happen. And you know I'll be networking my little butt off!


Not sure what is going on with my Mom and stepdad since I left Florida and I won't find out anything until he goes back to work overseas next week. I'm very curious to hear what her thoughts and next steps are because she's clearly not happy.

Other Stuff

With everything kind of crazy, I'm just trying to take time for myself and do what I want. Crazy Girl ticked me off a little yesterday, but I didn't let it get to me, I think she got jealous of all of the weight I lost and said some nasty things. It was uncalled for, especially when she knows I'm actually trying to gain a few pounds, but I just brushed it off when I realized that it was more than likely jealously on her part - the girl works out like crazy but can't seem to lose the weight she wants to lose, while weight is coming off of me like crazy because of medication I'm on for my migraines and I'm trying to gain back 5 pounds.

I had dinner at my Gay Neighbor's new house yesterday, they moved out of my building back in November, and I finally made it over to visit yesterday. The inside of the house was cute, but the neighborhood, not so much. It was nice to see them though. Plus they supposedly have a hot neighbor they want to set me up with for a fling when I'm ready, which I thought was funny. I was like, "Hold on there! I'm totally not up for that boys!"

I saw "Juno" today which was such a cute movie. I actually really love seeing movies by myself. I used to be scared of going to the movies alone, but now that I've done it a couple of times, I love it! "Cashmere Mafia" starts on tv tonight, which I'm very excited about, as does "American Gladiators."

One of my best friends from college is visiting in a few weeks, so that is going to be a lot of fun. Crazy Girl and I are going to surprise her and take her to the male strip club which should be absolutely fun and insane, as always! Other than that, I've been talking to my Best Guy Friend (BGF) a lot lately. He's been going through a rough time trying to get over being dumped by his crazy ex-girlfriend. He's been helpful with the advice as far as my situation with The Swimmer. But it was crazy to see the contrast in guys. BGF decided he wanted to see a therapist to figure out why he keeps dating crazy girls and work through some issues and within a week and a half, he had an appointment with a therapist and has seen them 3 times since then. But, I guess it's just the difference in personalities.

Anyways, that was quite an update and I'm probably leaving out important details, but if I am, I'll leave those another time if I think of them or if they are needed, so I'll leave you with that for now!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy 2008!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very, very happy 2008! More to come. . .