Sunday, December 31, 2006

Yeah! So now I'm kind of happy that I'm not doing anything tonight. I'm preheating the oven to make some dinner, I'm going to eat dinner and watch a movie. If I'm not asleep by midnight, I have a little bottle of champagne I'll open and toast the new year with my kitty. Given that it's pouring rain out right now, as it has been off and on all day today, I'm relieved that I am not getting all dolled up just to go somewhere and have the work I put into getting my hair to look good go to waste. I also don't have to worry about finding some cute guy to makeout with at midnight, that's a relief, as last year, I was all worried and didn't find anyone since all the guys where I was were gross. Then, I was stuck with my best friend and her then fiance who I didn't like. So, this year, my New Year's is more worry-free and relaxing. And I'm not going to worry about what to say when someone asks what I did, I'll just say that I laid low and hung out, since that's exactly what I'm doing!

I was a good girl at the mall today too, I said that the only thing I would buy, if they had it, would be a pair of my favorite pointy-toe, high heel stilettos, but only if they were on sale. Since they weren't on sale, I didn't buy them. Damn, I have self-control. Too good sometimes! Well, going to cook some dinner.


Saturday, December 30, 2006

So, yeah, don't think I'm going to do anything for New Year's. Is that totally lame? When it comes down to it, I'm not willing to spend $155 for a ticket to this one party some friends are going to, another friend is out of town and another is like me and doesn't want to spend money on a not-so-fun party and another friend is going to a party that's only $35, but it's all techno music, no thanks! Ughh. So it looks like I'm not going to do anything. As sad as it is, I almost can't wait for it to be Tuesday so that everything can go back to normal. It just seems like things are so inflated during the holidays, does that make sense? It's nice having a break from work, but at the same time, everything's so blown up and exaggerated this time of year. So even though it's back to the daily grind, I'm ready for Tuesday!

What's scary, is that this week is going to fly by since it's a 4 day work week and the weekend is too since I have a lot of stuff planned for next weekend. You all know what that means. . . The time until The Swimmer comes to visit is that much closer. So, we shall see, it's going to be interesting!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I'm visiting my Mom and having been here for almost a week, have just hooked up my laptop. Anyways, just been relaxing at my Mom's house for the past week. My brother and co. were over for a few days and that was absolutely exhausting. Made me realize how happy I am to not have kids right now - it's nice to be selfish and only have to worry about yourself. That's not to say that I don't ever want kids, it just means that right now, I'm glad I don't have any! I enjoy sleeping in, going out when I want, shopping for myself, etc.

I IMed with The Swimmer today for a few minutes, it had been almost a week and he was definitely happy to "talk," if that's what you want to call IMing. Both of our New Year's plans are still up in the air, that seems to be the norm this year for some reason. Him and I are both having the same thoughts - don't want to pay over a hundred dollars to go to some party where you probably aren't going to have that much fun anyways. He's thinking about going to DisneyLand and just acting like a kid, of course he pulled the, "If you were here, I'd take you" thing, but I liked it anyways! Going to DisneyLand is totally up my alley - I love that stuff. Though I've never been to DisneyLand, only Disney World, I love theme parks, so much fun. I just can't believe that in less than two and a half weeks, The Swimmer will be visiting. Scary, yet exciting!

Well, going to relax with the fam some more since I drive back home tomorrow - a nice 8 hour drive, oh-so-fun!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Had a long IM session with The Swimmer today and I'm definitely feeling like his visit is going to be a ton of fun. I'm really looking forward to it and I know he is too. Only 3 weeks and 2 days left until he visits. I just hope I can keep my anxiety in check the day he comes because as I see it now, I'm going to be a nervous wreck all day. Yes, I could take some Ativan to help keep the anxiety down, but I'd rather not. Good thing I see The Professional tomorrow to discuss that.

So, the reason I originally started going to The Professional, as I have said before, is because I have a phobia. Not a ton of people understand it, but it's been a huge struggle for me. I have a phobia of throwing up. I know, I know, nobody likes throwing up. But for me, it's a lot more than just not liking it. If I feel nauseous, I go into full-on panic attack mode. I get sweaty, my heart races and I start freaking out. In the past, I have let this phobia get in the way of a lot of things - going on trips, cancelling on dates last minute, etc. I used to not eat on the long 8 hour drive to visit my Mom because I was scared if I ate and felt nauseous, I wouldn't be able to finish driving. Thankfully, The Professional has really helped me deal with this phobia and not let it get in the way of my life. I am finally able to eat in the middle of that 8 hour drive, and not just what I would consider to be a "safe" food, like crackers, I can now eat whenever I want, even fast food.

This past Thursday, what I considered to be the worst situation, me throwing up, happened. I think I handled it surprisingly well. I didn't turn into a crying, blubbering, panicking mess. Instead of not eating anything but crackers for a week, by Saturday, I was back to eating cereal and ate totally normally on Monday. I had a dinner thing for work last night and ate a ton of really good food like a piggy without panicking that maybe my stomach wasn't ready for it yet or anything like that. So that was a huge accomplishment for me and I'm really proud of myself.

My fear comes down to a fear of being vulnerable. Going through my parent's divorce, I had to be strong and wasn't really allowed to be vulnerable. When you think about it, when are you at your most vulnerable? When you're sick and totally not in control of your body. That scares me - being so vulnerable. But it doesn't scare me as much now as it used to. It carried into relationships - not being totally okay with being vulnerable and fully emotionally available with a boyfriend. That was one thing I was able to do with The Idiot. Even though we broke up, it doesn't make me feel like I am scared to be vulnerable with another man because when it comes down to it, it feels good to be totally open and really give yourself to that other person, even if there's a chance you'll get hurt.

So yeah, getting sick last week wasn't fun, but it wasn't as totally horrific as I had made it out to be in my head before it happened. And yes, I ended up in the ER, but it was necessary and that's what my doctor told me to do. Yeah for me!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Happy Chanukah!

Sorry I've been gone, as I said before, I was sick, either food poisoning or the stomach virus, so it definitely was not pleasant. I'm alive though and almost all better. Went to a little Chanukah party this evening which was a lot of fun, it was the first time I left my place since Friday at 2am when I went to the ER, so it was nice to have some real human interaction!

The party was at The Couple's place (the ones that are friends with The Idiot). Obviously The Idiot was not there, otherwise I would not have gone, so that was nice. He's traveling or something so there was no need for me to worry he might show up. It was funny though, at one point, some girls asked me how I know The Couple who threw the party and I was like, "Uh, it's kind of weird. I know them through my ex-boyfriend who is friends with them." Of course there were a bunch of people there who know The Idiot, but thankfully, they didn't ask me where he was if they didn't know we broke up or anything weird. So that was a relief. There was this guy there, we'll call him The Student, who I've seen a few times since The Idiot and I broke up, and I think he might have a crush on me even though he has a girlfriend who was there and whom I've seen at The Couple's place a few times before. I feel like he's always looking at me and trying to talk to me about stuff. It's cute though, but obviously, for one thing, he has a girlfriend and two, he's kind of a friend of The Idiot. He's not totally my type anyways, but it's always nice to have a little ego boost, you know? Then there was this other guy there who is also kind of a friend of The Idiot who was totally checking me out the whole time and trying to talk to me every chance he got. I don't think he put it together in his mind though that I used to date The Idiot. Again, one, he is kind of friends with The Idiot, so nothing could happen there.

Nothing new to report with The Swimmer. I had a few people at my neighbor's holiday party last night tell me that it's totally a booty call. Whatever, I'm done analyzing his intentions, I'll just let it be and see what happens when he gets here - which is in less than 4 weeks! Ahhh! Scary!

Off to clean up a little bit before bed. And can I just say that I should be a professional sleeper with the amount of sleep I have gotten over the past couple of days. Incredible!

Saturday, December 16, 2006


Sorry I haven't been posting in the past couple of days. I unfortunately got sick and am still trying to recover. Posts to come soon. . .

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Sigh. . .

Not much new to update you all on. Pretty much the same old - still wondering what's going to happen when The Swimmer visits in January, still wondering what he's thinking and still in shock about how I'm feeling. When I look at a calendar and see how close his visit really is, I'm like, Wow, that's soon, and I get a little nervous. He's been a lot better about not IMing me the second I sign on, so that's nice and I didn't even have to say anything about that. I just can't stop thinking about how weird it's going to be that first hour or so that he's here. What do I say? How do I not act weird? What's it going to be like? Do I tell him that I'm going to be nervous so that maybe it won't be so weird??

Then there's the issue of what to do on New Year's Eve. I'm really not in the mood to "go all out" this year. I've done that for the past few years and I've only had a really good time for one of those years. Otherwise, it's a total disappointment and I start off the year on kind of a bad feeling. I also don't want to spend a ton of money or have to drive anywhere. I just wish I could stay at home and relax, but not feel like a freak for doing that! Luckily, I live in the middle of a big city, so there's lots to do around me. Hmmm...

Monday, December 11, 2006

I Don't Know #2

I just don't know how to feel about things with The Swimmer anymore. Part of me is very excited for his visit - no matter what his intentions are - either a booty call weekend or to test the waters. I know it's going to be a lot of fun and exciting and I'm curious to see how things go. The other part of me is still in total shock that this is really happening. I'm almost waiting for him to say, "Ha! It was just a joke, I'm not really coming to visit." It's just so weird that things are going to change from being friends to being friends who hook up. I'm also partly a little scared that when he comes, if we have a great time, I'm scared of becoming attached to him. What if it's one-sided? What if it's not one-sided? I guess that's something you always worry about, but this is different because we're friends. I don't want to ask him questions like, What are your intentions in coming? Is this a booty call weekend? Are you thinking you might be interested in something more? How do you think this weekend went? Are you interested in more? I really need to stop with the overanalyzing and just let things happen. It's just different though, you know?

I have to admit that today, I was very excited to IM with The Swimmer again since it had been a few days. I actually got excited when I got home from work and signed in to see that he was on. Now I'm like, What does that mean? Okay, enough spazzing out for now. . .

Saturday, December 9, 2006

I Thought I Knew

So yesterday and today, I've had a few people tell me that The Swimmer is not coming for a booty call, that he's probably coming to "test the waters" so to speak. The general consensus has been, "No one would spend that much money just for a booty call. It's too easy to get some ass wherever you live to travel cross-country to get some ass." I just didn't really think that that is what's happening - him coming to "test the waters." I need to stop analyzing this because I'm going to drive myself crazy. I won't know what his intentions are until he's actually here. It's just too weird to not think about anything. Weird, unexpected, shocking, exciting, funny, so many things all rolled into one. I haven't told my best friend from high school yet, but I'm not hiding it or anything. Her and I have been playing phone tag for a couple of weeks now, before this thing happened with The Swimmer.

I have a holiday party to go to tonight and I REALLY don't want to go. I went to the same party last year and was bored out of my mind, so it's definitely not helping my motivation. I figure I'll just go for 15 minutes and then leave. I have to drive 15 minutes to get there, but I don't care, I would much rather go, show my face and then come back home and relax. I had my work holiday party last night, so after drinking and shmoozing for a few hours, coming home and not getting a very restful night's sleep, I'm just not in the mood. I have to make an appearance at this party though since it's a girl I kind of work with's party and I just saw her at the party last night, so I definitely have to go to this thing tonight.

Thursday, December 7, 2006


Oh well, no shuttle launch today, maybe on Saturday. And I was all excited to watch tonight. . .

Out to Space

First off, thank you to the rain king for helping me figure out the name of the group who sings the horrible song that I like and mentioned below! Now if I could only find out where to download it since it's not on iTunes. Grrrr....

So I thought I posted last night, but I guess in my state of tipsiness it did not post. I know that I posted (or tried to) how I wasn't sure if it was because of the martinis I had at dinner or not, but the thought of The Swimmer visiting isn't so scary anymore. I think it will be extremely fun and I will have a great time. If I need time alone, I will tell The Swimmer that I have to go run some errands or ask him to go out and get us lunch or something. I know if I were visiting someone, I would make sure that I gave them alone time and would need my own alone time too.

I saw The Professional today and she said she thinks him coming to visit is a good thing. I of course didn't tell her that our IMs have been so racy, only that they had been flirtatious. She just thinks that with our history of being friends, it's a good way to start back in the single world and you never know what might come of this. I told her that I'm so against long distance relationships, that they never work out and why start something long distance. She just said that it's common and they do work out, that sometimes the right person for you happens to live in another city. I'm still not fully convinced of that, but that's okay.

When I told my Mom today about The Swimmer coming to visit, of course she asked me a million questions about him (she only knew the basics since the summer I lived in LA and that him and I had kept in touch) and then surmised that it's not simply a booty call (her words! she's so funny!!) because why would someone fly across the US just to get a piece. (This was without me even asking) I don't know, but I think that's what he's doing, right? I keep telling him on IM how weird it is that things are the way they are now, how it's definitely not anything I had expected, but it's a nice surprise. We both agreed that things had changed when we saw each other in March since we were both like, "Woah! They got hot!" He said he's happy that things are the way they are, that we're just now doing this and didn't do this before. I think I'm still in shock.

Well, I'm a HUGE dork and have been watching the NASA channel since 8pm to watch the space shuttle lift-off which isn't even supposed to happen until 9:35pm, if it happens because the weather there doesn't seem to be cooperating. I don't know why, but I love this stuff, it's absolutely fascinating. I think it would be such an incredible experience, beyond words, to go into space on a space shuttle. I know that the astronauts go through a ton of training, but still, how do they not pee in their pants when it's actually happening?! There is no way that even after a ton of training, I would be able to get in a space shuttle and lift-off without peeing in my pants, screaming and passing out, all at the same time. It's gotta be the craziest ride of your life. What's funny is that when I watch shuttle launches, I feel like screaming when it's lifting off, I can almost imagine how it would feel if I were actually in the shuttle. When Anousheh Ansari went to the International Space Station in August or September (I can't remember), I read her Blog all the time and watched the NASA channel for hours. It was so fascinating to read, from a "regular" person's perspective, what it's like go to space, live in space and come back from space. Great reading if you're ever feeling so inclined! Anyways, off to watch the rest of this space shuttle business. I love being a nerd!!

Tuesday, December 5, 2006


Okay, so I've calmed down a bit. I need to not freak out. It will be a really fun weekend. The Swimmer also enjoys bumming around, so I can still bum around for a day if I want, there will just be someone else there to be a bum with. What's great is that one of the things we have in common is a love for Beverly Hills, 90210. So, with the first season out on DVD, we'll have something to do (in between hooking up?)! So yeah, I need to calm down. I just know that the first hour or so of him being here is probably going to be very awkward and I don't think there's anything I can do about that. Any suggestions?

Need to Calm Down

Okay, so now I am officially going to start freaking out. The Swimmer e-mailed me his itinerary to come visit me. So he's coming to visit. I'm so freaking out. He's coming on a Friday at around 6pm and doesn't leave until Tuesday at 5:30pm. That's a long time. I REALLY like my "me time," so how am I going to handle this?! Before 3 years ago, I didn't need "me time," but now I love it. I like just sitting in my pajamas on my couch, vegging out, watching really stupid and trashy tv or movies and not having to think or worry about anyone else. The Swimmer is going to be staying with me, so it's not like if he were staying in a hotel where I could be like, "I'll pick you up around noon and we'll hang out." A friend of mine gave me a good idea, to say that I have to work part of Monday and Tuesday, that way, I have a small "out" for a couple of hours if I need it. (I have a VERY flexible job and actually have that Monday off) So, yeah, freaking out a bit. Now, as soon as I sign on to IM, he IMs me. Always something to the effect of, "Hey beautiful!" Am I totally reading too much into this? But he never was like this before a couple of weeks ago, so that's why I'm freaking out a bit. He would usually IM me saying the same thing, just not as soon as I signed on. I'm reading too much into this, aren't I? I really need to calm down. He's not even visiting for 6 weeks, so I have to calm down.

Must. Calm. Down.

Monday, December 4, 2006


Okay, so I just got home from an obscenely good dinner. Too good to even talk about right now. Quite possibly the best meal I've ever had and I'm very glad that I did extra cardio today at the gym. If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm a huge foodie, so a good meal is very close to orgasm to me. I seriously felt like I could have orgasmed right at the table. I know - very strange, but whatever. I'm sure the few glasses of wine I had helped that.

So, I have just spent close to 20 minutes on the internet trying to figure out the artist who sings this song I keep hearing on the XM 90s channel. Still haven't figured it out. I know the title is "Do Anything," since that's what comes up on the display. No artist though because my XM is built in to the car, so there is no artist display. It's a really cheesy, be-boppy dance song. So ashamed to admit I like it, but whatever, I do, I dance around to it when it comes on. Reminds me of one of my favorite shows ever - "Beverly Hills, 90210." So if anyone can help me figure out the artist, I'd greatly appreciate it. It goes "I'd do anything for your lovin'.. (words I don't know, some whispering lady kind of), just can't.. just can't.. just can't get enough." It's a female sounding male singing with a woman giggling and kind of whispering some words every once in a while. This is really bothering me.

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Don't Know

So, here's a little dilemma. . . During the Summer of 2002, I lived in LA while I was doing an internship for a company there. I made a lot of really great friends. One of them, we'll call The Swimmer, I met through my best friend from high school who met him when she lived in LA the year before. Him and I hung out all the time and when we'd go out to bars with other friends, we would always be kind of touchy-feely. He tried to kiss me once, but I turned him down because we were friends and I was only there for that summer and we remained friends. Now, years later, we still keep in touch through the occasional phone call or chat on IM. I saw him in March, when I was in LA on business, and as soon as I saw him, I thought, "Wow, he got hot!" We are both now single (he had a girlfriend earlier in the year and The Idiot and I broke up 2 months ago) and for some reason, this past week we've been talking A LOT on IM. We've always been very playful in our conversations, but earlier this week, it got racy. (Guess you all now know there's a bit of a freak in SingleGirl!) We started the raciness on Wednesday and as soon as I signed on IM on Thursday, he said hi, same thing on Friday. We had been talking about New Year's a couple of weeks ago on the phone and how neither one of us has plans, but it's too expensive to get a plane ticket around that time. On Thursday, he brought up coming to visit me in January during a long weekend, not only to hang out, but to act on some of the things we had been IMing about. I didn't take it very seriously because I was shocked and not sure what to do or think or anything or if he was serious or caught up in the things we were talking about. I figured I just wouldn't say anything about him visiting in case he regreted suggesting it. Sure enough though, on Friday, as soon as he saw me sign on, he started a conversation with me - small talk about how our days were going, etc. Then, he asked if I had thought about him coming to visit and if I wanted him to or not. Still, with a little hesitation, I was like, "Yeah, that's cool." He said he'd take Friday off, fly in and stay until Monday night or Tuesday. I just told him to let me know when he buys the plane ticket and then I signed off because I was invited to my neighbor's for dinner.

The more I think about it, I'm excited yet hesitant at the same time. Part of me is excited because I know The Swimmer and I would have a great time. Part of me is hesitant because I'm scared I'll get used to that feeling of having a guy to spend a whole weekend with, like a boyfriend for a weekend, and I'll get really sad when the weekend is over and he leaves. I've finally gotten used to not having a boyfriend around and not feeling so lonely that I'm a little scared to mess that up. But then, the excited part of me thinks, Well, he's not coming for a little over a month, so by then I'll be over being scared to feel that excitement for a weekend. It would basically be a weekend fling, right? Or is it something more than that because of our history? I mean, I don't see myself moving to LA right now and I couldn't imagine The Swimmer moving here right now and it would be next to impossible to start a long distance relationship and expect things to actually work. So, pretty much, I need to think of it as a weekend fling, right? I just don't know what to think or how to feel!

Friday, December 1, 2006

The Scare is Over (Somewhat)

As I had already figured, the health scare is really nothing to worry about. Just something to have rechecked in 3 months and then see how things are. I did, however, manage to ask the doctor if he knew of any cute, single young doctors to set me up with. Hey - it was worth a try!!

As far as The Idiot goes, I'm going to craft an e-mail this weekend to send to him, as The Professional had suggested. If I like it, I'll send it to him, if I don't, I won't. What I don't like is that I want to do whatever would make him hurt the most. I say I don't like feeling like that because I wouldn't want anyone to think that of me, but I wouldn't do anything to someone to make them feel like that anyways. Would totally ignoring him hurt him more? Would writing him a well-crafted e-mail as I detailed in the previous post hurt him more? Hmmm...