Had a long IM session with The Swimmer today and I'm definitely feeling like his visit is going to be a ton of fun. I'm really looking forward to it and I know he is too. Only 3 weeks and 2 days left until he visits. I just hope I can keep my anxiety in check the day he comes because as I see it now, I'm going to be a nervous wreck all day. Yes, I could take some Ativan to help keep the anxiety down, but I'd rather not. Good thing I see The Professional tomorrow to discuss that.

So, the reason I originally started going to The Professional, as I have said before, is because I have a phobia. Not a ton of people understand it, but it's been a huge struggle for me. I have a phobia of throwing up. I know, I know, nobody likes throwing up. But for me, it's a lot more than just not liking it. If I feel nauseous, I go into full-on panic attack mode. I get sweaty, my heart races and I start freaking out. In the past, I have let this phobia get in the way of a lot of things - going on trips, cancelling on dates last minute, etc. I used to not eat on the long 8 hour drive to visit my Mom because I was scared if I ate and felt nauseous, I wouldn't be able to finish driving. Thankfully, The Professional has really helped me deal with this phobia and not let it get in the way of my life. I am finally able to eat in the middle of that 8 hour drive, and not just what I would consider to be a "safe" food, like crackers, I can now eat whenever I want, even fast food.

This past Thursday, what I considered to be the worst situation, me throwing up, happened. I think I handled it surprisingly well. I didn't turn into a crying, blubbering, panicking mess. Instead of not eating anything but crackers for a week, by Saturday, I was back to eating cereal and ate totally normally on Monday. I had a dinner thing for work last night and ate a ton of really good food like a piggy without panicking that maybe my stomach wasn't ready for it yet or anything like that. So that was a huge accomplishment for me and I'm really proud of myself.

My fear comes down to a fear of being vulnerable. Going through my parent's divorce, I had to be strong and wasn't really allowed to be vulnerable. When you think about it, when are you at your most vulnerable? When you're sick and totally not in control of your body. That scares me - being so vulnerable. But it doesn't scare me as much now as it used to. It carried into relationships - not being totally okay with being vulnerable and fully emotionally available with a boyfriend. That was one thing I was able to do with The Idiot. Even though we broke up, it doesn't make me feel like I am scared to be vulnerable with another man because when it comes down to it, it feels good to be totally open and really give yourself to that other person, even if there's a chance you'll get hurt.

So yeah, getting sick last week wasn't fun, but it wasn't as totally horrific as I had made it out to be in my head before it happened. And yes, I ended up in the ER, but it was necessary and that's what my doctor told me to do. Yeah for me!