Insight from a Pro...

Well, things are going great with TDH and I'm seeing The Professional again! Yay! She's pretty much recovered from the nasty Staph infection and is seeing patients part-time, so as soon as I got the call with that news, I scheduled an appointment. It felt so good to talk to her again and be able to work through things with someone who is a "Professional" on issues and who knows pretty much everything about me and how my mind works and processes things. She said that it sounds like TDH is definitely dealing with a ton of stuff and that I do need to be patient with the situation, but also ask for what I need from him. She reminded me of my tendency when things aren't absolutely perfect to just completely freak out and think things are about to take a nosedive and start distancing myself. She told me I need to remind myself of how things have been going and that especially at a time like this, TDH wouldn't keep a relationship if he wasn't really interested in me and he did tell me outright that he's definitely not stringing me along. She said that he sounds like a truly nice guy who thinks things through and that he sounds like he's really trying, so just be patient.

Otherwise, things are going well with TDH and I. He is definitely making an effort to spend more time with me and show me that he misses spending more time with me and I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Should be interesting, just the whole another year older thing. Going out to dinner with a bunch of people, including TDH, Crazy Girl, Blondie and Gay (Former) Neighbors. Should be fun. I think TDH and I are going to celebrate my birthday alone on Saturday evening.

Anyways, I promise to be better about writing more, it's just been a crazy past couple of weeks, lots of hot swimmers I had to watch swim and lots of work stuff I had to do!

Help! (With a new little note)

So, I've been doing really well so far without The Professional for the past few months, but now I feel like I could use her advice. TDH has been really busy lately with helping his brother finish his basement (he's buying his brother's house), work, booking shows so he can start playing music again, trying to get a band together, hanging out with friends and hanging out with me. All of this while living 45 minutes outside of town with his parents until he takes over his brother's house which won't be until the end of October (it was originally supposed to be the beginning of October.) I'm trying to not let the fact that we don't get to see each other as much as we used to get to me, but it is and I can't help it. We still see each other twice a week, but I guess I just got used to seeing him more often. When we're together, I don't feel insecure at all, but when it's Wednesday and I haven't seen him since Sunday, the "crazy" comes out and I start feeling insecure thinking that maybe he just doesn't care if he sees me as much or maybe he should be making more of an effort to spend time with me. Then I just wonder if I need to calm down because TDH is going crazy and not getting much sleep trying to balance everything in his life, so me bitching about not seeing him isn't going to help him. BUT, I don't think some reassurance from him would be asking too much, am I wrong? How do I go about asking for reassurance though? This has always been something that's been hard for me to do. This is definitely stressing me out. Ugh.

A little side note: I wish I could get back in to see The Professional, but unfortunately, she has been out sick with a Staph infection. I could see someone else, but that would mean starting over from square one with someone new, so I'm not sure if that's something I should do.

3 R's - Reassurance, Readiness and Relationships

Well, where to begin? So, after hearing about TDH's father having a heart attack, I was scared, irrationally, but I was. It was all for nothing though! TDH called Tuesday night saying he had been thinking about me and had been debating driving past his place and driving to mine earlier in the night. I told him he should have, but by that point, it was too late. We chatted for a while and I felt reassured that all was well. He even brought up what had happened on Friday with the whole being ready to have sex thing. I told him that I wanted to make sure that he was ready and that he was thinking with the brain in his head and not the brain in his penis. He said that he tends to over-think things and he thought about it a lot and he's sure that he's ready.

We were tentatively going to hang out on Wednesday night, but I was struck with a migraine, so unfortunately I was totally out of it. Told TDH this and he felt awful and asked if there was anything he could do. I told him there really wasn't anything he could do and that I just needed to wait for my medicine to work and sleep it off. We spoke again on Thursday and he told me to call him after my dance class to see if I'd be up for hanging out. He text messaged me before I got to call him and asked if I'd be up for 80s night at a club up the street. Why not? He called me and told me he had already had a couple of drinks and that he'd meet me there, a friend of his was going to drop him off.

When I got to the club TDH was definitely drunk, but it was hilarious and a good drunk. He was definitely "Sir Loves-A-Lot," as he told me he gets, he couldn't keep his hands off me. He grabbed me as soon as he saw me and gave me quite the kiss. He really couldn't keep his hands off me the whole hour we were there. We danced too and TDH kept doing the African Anteater Ritual from "Can't Buy Me Love," it might be one of the funniest things I've seen in a LONG time. After about an hour, we left and went back to my place. TDH picked me up and carried me into my bedroom and into bed. We started going at it. And yes, as you all already know, we had sex. TDH is definitely fantastic and really knows how to please me!

Here's the thing though. And I don't want you all to take this the wrong way and if you do, whatever. I'm definitely not a conceited person. I don't think I am supermodel hot. But TDH does. This is a bad thing in the sense that it makes TDH a bit insecure because he feels like he isn't good-looking enough for me even though I have told him that I think he's hot and sexy. He has told me on numerous occasions that I am the hottest, sexiest and most beautiful girl he's ever been with or seen. Then on Thursday and Friday, he asked me a few times if I find him attractive. I'm like, "Yes! Of course I do! I think you're extremely good-looking and incredibly sexy." Anyways, hopefully some more reassurance from me will help make him feel better, otherwise there really isn't anything I can do for him.

After some more fun on Friday morning, we showered, I got ready for work, and then drove TDH home. I think he really liked seeing me in my business clothes, he couldn't stop grabbing at me. Friday night, I went out with MJ and some friends, but I was exhausted and not really into it.

Saturday night, I went out with Bra Girl and her friend Nik to see some bands play. The two of them had been out drinking since 4pm, so by the time I met up with them at 10pm, they were wasted, but hilarious. We went to watch the bands and had so much fun. I had hung out with Nik before, but this time I got to know her and we have so much in common, so I think we're all going to hang out a lot more. After the bands finished at around 12:15am, we went to another bar and met up with TDH and a couple of his friends from high school. Nik ran into some old friends of hers so we all just sat at a big booth chatting and telling stories. We were having so much fun that we didn't realize that we were the only ones left in the bar and we had closed the place down. So we all left and said goodnight. Unfortunately, TDH was the DD for his friends, so there was to be no hanging out together after, plus he had to be up early for a long day working on the album, he's supposed to have it finished by Tuesday.

Sunday was a girl's day for me - Bra Girl, Nik and I met up for brunch and then went and got manicures and pedicures together. After, I just came home and relaxed.

So, that's the big update. I have some interesting stuff to post about my session with The Professional from this past Friday, but more on that another day!

Insight

The New Guy called me during the day on Wednesday for no reason, just to chat, which was nice. I really enjoy our conversations, it's so cool to talk to someone and have time just pass by and all of a sudden you look at the clock and 45 minutes has gone by without you realizing it. He was very excited about how well things are going with the new album. He text messaged me later on in the night to invite me out with him and his friend who is in from out of town to go to a club for 80's night on Thursday night. I told him I was definitely up for it.

Thursday night, I met up with New Guy and his friend for some 80's music and dancing. We had a ton of fun. New Guy even danced, which was so cute, the boy can move! His friend was drunk, so he wasn't getting the hint when New Guy would say something like, "(SingleGirl) and I are going to go check out the other room, stay here, we'll be back." His friend would come with us. He just wouldn't get the hint that we were trying to sneak off to be alone for a few minutes. It's okay though, we snuck a quick makeout while his friend went to the bathroom. New Guy held my hand for part of the night and then when we were on the dance floor, we would face each other and he would have his arm around my back so he could pull me close. He would whisper things in my ear too, like how much he wants me and wishes we could go back to my place and how hot I look. We had a lot of fun dancing though, you can't beat 80's music!

Yesterday I had a great session with The Professional. I told her how I can't stop over-analyzing everything when it comes to The New Guy and how when I'm with him, I'm fine, but otherwise, I drive myself crazy analyzing things. Basically it all comes down to my past - my past with my father. In a nutshell, when it comes to guys, I over-analyze the situation as a way to prepare myself for "the other shoe to drop," even though the guy has given me no reason whatsoever to think that way. It's just what I know because of what my father did - basically I don't trust him, he did some pretty awful things to my Mother and in turn me, so it's hard for me to trust that a guy won't leave.

The Professional told me that when I find myself starting to over-analyze things, I need to stop myself and remind myself that I'm doing it because I'm scared. Scared of being vulnerable and scared of trusting. Even though The New Guy hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, it's hard for me to feel like he won't hurt me. Good thing is that through all of the work I've been doing with The Professional, I'm getting better at letting myself be more vulnerable and trusting of men. I've realized that there are guys out there that are trustworthy and I can't put the things that my father has done on to the other men I have relationships with. If I do that, I will never have a strong and healthy relationship. I think that the way I'm doing things with The New Guy (taking it slow) is a much healthier way of doing things though and The Professional agrees. She said that The New Guy sounds much more mature than the other guys I've dated and it sounds like we're connecting on more levels too. So I guess we'll see!

Last night I had a girl's night with some friends. We just went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and had good conversation. I was home and in bed by 11pm! Not sure when I'll see The New Guy again. I think his friend from out of town leaves today or tomorrow and I know they are probably in the studio today. So I'll let him call me, I don't want to interrupt any creative moments today!

Like ripping off a bandaid?

So, I decided to wait until I could speak with The Professional. I've never been on this end of "the talk" and I wanted to make sure I was doing it the right way. I finally saw The Professional today and was able to update her on the drama that is my life. It had been a month since I saw her last (she had been out so long because she had surgery) so there was a lot to update her on. As far as The Swimmer goes, she said that basically, there is never going to be a good time to do the breaking up, so it's better to just get it over with so I can stop walking around with the heaviness of it in me. She said it's best to just be straightforward and just get it all out. I should call him though since he usually calls me, that way he's not calling me thinking that he's just calling to chat and then getting hit with this. I'm thinking of saying something along the lines of, "I've been thinking about this a lot since you last came to visit and you're a good guy and I love you, but we just aren't going to work out." She said to not try to predict how he's going to react because there really isn't anyway to tell how he will react. And to just be strong and if he tries to ask if he can do things to make it better, to just tell him that "we're past that now and it just isn't going to work anymore."

Even worse is that he called me not too long ago on his lunch break to talk about how stressed out he is with work. For a minute I was thinking about waiting and having "the talk" tomorrow, but you know what? He's ALWAYS stressed out about work, it doesn't matter what day it is, he's always going to be so stressed out with work, so if I plan the talk around that, it'll never happen. He is only working a half day tomorrow, so if he's too upset to go to work tomorrow, he can call in sick, otherwise it's only a half a day, right?

This is awful, but I know I'll feel better once it's all over with. Any advice?

No experience

Thank you everyone for your nice welcome back and words of wisdom! Unfortunately, I've given The Swimmer enough chances to follow through with what he has said he was going to do and stop doing the things that I've told him are interfering in our relationship. Even if he were to all of a sudden get his act together now and do all of those things, it is too little, too late now and I'm done. I just know we're not meant for each other and I definitely don't see myself with him forever for a lot of different reasons.

Wasn't able to see The Professional yesterday, my appointment had to be rescheduled for next week which sucks because I was obviously really looking forward to discussing all of this with her. I couldn't even call her because she was totally out of the office. So now, I'm just not sure when or how to talk to The Swimmer. I've never been in this position before and it's definitely not fun! I know he's going to be hurt and upset, but how do I make that a little less? I'm tempted to wait until I am able to talk to The Professional about all of this because I just don't know how to handle this, but at the same time, I feel bad knowing how I feel and just keeping The Swimmer hanging on, I feel like it's not fair to either one of us. Any suggestions? Wait? Do it now? What to say?

Updates!!

Well, where do I begin? I guess I will just say what I have to say and then provide details as needed. I could say that a lot has happened since I took my "blogging break," but I think it would be more appropriate to say that things have intensified for the worse as far as The Swimmer goes and stayed the same as far as work and home life go. So I shall begin the formal update. . .

The Swimmer

It looks like it is coming to the end of the road for The Swimmer and I. He is not going to go to therapy and that is unacceptable to me. I made it clear to him back in September that our relationship would not work unless he worked through his issues in therapy and he agreed. He then promised me he would go to therapy by the end of the year. He also promised me he would come visit South Florida to see what it was like. I made tentative plans for us to go on vacation there and he came up with every ridiculous excuse on the planet to not go. He has not followed through on either of those two promises which he himself initiated. And I can't deal with his issues anymore. I've reached and passed my limit. I can't deal with his constant, and I mean constant, need for reassurance. And I certainly can't be with someone who not only won't follow through on their promises, but who won't take steps to deal with their issues and make themselves a better person, even if they are a little uncomfortable about it.

Needless to say, a vacation anywhere never got planned because of his constant procrastinating because he thought you didn't have to book those things in advance. He blames me for this though and says that I should have pushed him even if he told me that he didn't have time to think about it right then. Seriously? Then, he didn't understand why I wouldn't want to drive 8 hours to South Florida to visit my family, stay there for 4 days, drive 8 hours back to where I live, and then the next day, fly cross-country to LA to visit him for New Year's. He thought that was perfectly reasonable. I was like, "Are you kidding me? I am absolutely not doing that! If you want to see me for New Year's, you can fly here, but there is no way I am doing that!"

He came to visit over New Year's weekend and it was just awful. He kept doing things to annoy me just to get attention. Then when I was trying to talk to him about how stressful things are with work and trying to sell my place, he interrupts me and starts talking about how he's stressed out about work. It's like everything always has to be about him all the time. Same thing when I was trying to talk to him about what happened with my Mom and stepdad, he immediately says, "Would I do that to you?" I was like, "We aren't talking about that! It has nothing to do with you!" His need for constant validation is just so frustrating. I couldn't wait for him to leave.

So, I see The Professional on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like I need to just end it with The Swimmer. I don't see myself with him forever and he has broken two HUGE promises to me. I just don't know how to do it. I've never been in this situation before. It's definitely a tough situation because he's a good guy and I love him, but it's not going to work out. Any advice?

Work and Home

All is still the same as far as waiting for something to open up with work in Florida and my home is still on the market. I've had a lot of showings with positive feedback, but no offers so far. But now that the holiday season is over, hopefully I'll have more showings and some offers. I have a work meeting next week, so I should be able to get some more information as far as possible openings in Florida and when that might happen. And you know I'll be networking my little butt off!

Family

Not sure what is going on with my Mom and stepdad since I left Florida and I won't find out anything until he goes back to work overseas next week. I'm very curious to hear what her thoughts and next steps are because she's clearly not happy.

Other Stuff

With everything kind of crazy, I'm just trying to take time for myself and do what I want. Crazy Girl ticked me off a little yesterday, but I didn't let it get to me, I think she got jealous of all of the weight I lost and said some nasty things. It was uncalled for, especially when she knows I'm actually trying to gain a few pounds, but I just brushed it off when I realized that it was more than likely jealously on her part - the girl works out like crazy but can't seem to lose the weight she wants to lose, while weight is coming off of me like crazy because of medication I'm on for my migraines and I'm trying to gain back 5 pounds.

I had dinner at my Gay Neighbor's new house yesterday, they moved out of my building back in November, and I finally made it over to visit yesterday. The inside of the house was cute, but the neighborhood, not so much. It was nice to see them though. Plus they supposedly have a hot neighbor they want to set me up with for a fling when I'm ready, which I thought was funny. I was like, "Hold on there! I'm totally not up for that boys!"

I saw "Juno" today which was such a cute movie. I actually really love seeing movies by myself. I used to be scared of going to the movies alone, but now that I've done it a couple of times, I love it! "Cashmere Mafia" starts on tv tonight, which I'm very excited about, as does "American Gladiators."

One of my best friends from college is visiting in a few weeks, so that is going to be a lot of fun. Crazy Girl and I are going to surprise her and take her to the male strip club which should be absolutely fun and insane, as always! Other than that, I've been talking to my Best Guy Friend (BGF) a lot lately. He's been going through a rough time trying to get over being dumped by his crazy ex-girlfriend. He's been helpful with the advice as far as my situation with The Swimmer. But it was crazy to see the contrast in guys. BGF decided he wanted to see a therapist to figure out why he keeps dating crazy girls and work through some issues and within a week and a half, he had an appointment with a therapist and has seen them 3 times since then. But, I guess it's just the difference in personalities.

Anyways, that was quite an update and I'm probably leaving out important details, but if I am, I'll leave those another time if I think of them or if they are needed, so I'll leave you with that for now!

Gloves are off

Well, it's finally Friday, so hopefully I'll get to relax and sleep in this weekend. BUT, hopefully my loft will have many people coming to look at it this weekend too! At least this weekend, unlike last weekend, I'll have some errands to run while realtors are showing my place. I have to go get my flu shot tomorrow and I want to go to Target to check out a couple of things. If I get hungry, there are a few options for me to try thanks to a Web site I found on Samantha's blog. But, for some reason, I could really go for an extra crispy chicken breast from KFC. (shhhhhh, don't tell anyone though! because I'm such a food snob, I can't believe I'm admitting that!)

Besides that, all is the same with The Swimmer. Had a good session with The Professional on Wednesday and she reminded me that even though The Swimmer is a sensitive guy, that I can't handle him with "kid gloves." I need to draw the line and tell him when enough is enough and when he's bitching a lot about things that when it comes down to it, have to do with his issues, I need to tell him that I can't help him with it anymore, i.e. he needs to see a therapist. This is because I'm finding that when he's constantly bitching about the same things over and over and over, I'm almost just holding the phone away from my ear because I'm so sick of hearing the same thing. Me, when I don't like something, instead of bitching about it, I do something to change it or I realize that I have no control over it so there is no point in complaining about it or I find out why it bothers me so much. So, I need to start drawing the line with The Swimmer because if I don't, I'm going to get burnt out. This isn't to say that things aren't going well between The Swimmer and I though! He's coming to visit in a week, so we're both very excited. Not sure what we'll do while he's here besides lots of bedroom activities! He's begging me to bake him an apple pie (yes, I make it from scratch and it's damn good! Thanks Tyler Florence!), so I'll do that. Otherwise I'm sure we'll see some movies and do other stuff. He also wants to plan a vacation with me to take in December - any suggestions? The Professional is suggesting Miami and The Keys - to combine a visit to South Florida as well as the beaches and fun of The Keys. . .

On the work front, all is pretty much the same. I had my regional manager work with me on Tuesday which was really, really good. He's such a good guy and totally different than my district manager. It was almost a little depressing because I was reminded what it's like to have a motivating manager. I didn't and couldn't tell him that I'm looking to move to a different city, but I did tell him that I'm very frustrated with my geography and that it's very difficult to do well in it. He was very understanding of my situation and was trying to think of ways he could help me and the girl I work with. He also understood my frustrations with my district manager. He was very encouraging though and told me to just keep doing what I'm doing and that I'm working the geography the right way, so things should get better. He's such a good guy, I felt a little bad not being able to tell him that I'm looking to move to another state, but I definitely couldn't.

Well, that's all for now, I just want to watch some stuff on my DVR and relax for a bit.

It's all about me. . .

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ONE!

I know I've been gone for a while, but there's been a lot going on. When I last posted, things with The Swimmer had been resolved. Basically, the night I was leaving LA, he told me he realized that he hadn't been fair to me when he said he wouldn't consider living in South Florida and that he needs to at least visit SFL and see if it's a place he would want to live. He also said that he had gotten the name of a therapist from his mom and that he was working up the courage to call and make an appointment, but that he was scared. I told him that I understand being scared, but in order for us to work, it's something he needs to do. He promised me he would make an appointment and go within the next few weeks.

So I left LA happy knowing that The Swimmer was going to see a therapist soon to start working on his issues and that we would take a trip to South Florida together in November or December so he can see what it's like.

This past Wednesday, I put my loft on the market. This was really hard to do. This loft is the first home I've ever owned and I bought it when I was only 24 years old. It took a lot of hard work to be able to buy it, but I did it and it was a huge accomplishment. So needless to say, it was really hard to sign the papers that put my loft up for sale. It's hard to think that someone else will be living here soon. Hopefully it won't take too long to sell and hopefully I'll get the money I want for it.

Wednesday night, after telling The Swimmer how hard it was for me to sign the papers, he tells me that he's "considered" moving to South Florida and he doesn't want to. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think that thinking about it for a few days is really considering it. Considering moving somewhere is actually visiting a place, seeing if there's jobs there, seeing what it's like, that's considering it.

What it comes down to is that he's scared of leaving his comfort zone. He tells me I mean the world to him and he loves me with all of his heart, and that means a lot to me, but that means even more that you need to really fully consider it and not just think about it. You can't let being scared of leaving your comfort zone prevent you from doing something.

He said that it's risky for him to move because what if it doesn't work out, then he'd have to move back to LA and find a new job. I pointed out to him that it's way more risky for me if I moved to LA and it didn't work out because I couldn't just move back home and find a new job within a week or two like he could, I'd be stuck in LA for at least a year. And even if things are going great between he and I, if I step into the same work situation I'm in now - crappy geography, too laidback manager - I risk losing my job. If that happens, I'm out of work for 6 months to a year, that's just how it is in the industry I work in. So I have to be really careful with the decision I make.

After explaining all of this to him, he told me that he didn't know that and he should have talked about it more with me and that he needs to think about it more. I told him that I would try and find out more about the work situation for me out in LA to see if I could get any info on the manager and geography.

The Professional keeps telling me that even if I move to South Florida, it doesn't mean that things would be over between The Swimmer and I, and I agree. I love him and I know he loves me, and while the long distance thing sucks, I also need to think about the whole picture. I've made the mistake too many times in the past of not looking at the whole picture or only focusing on the man in my life and not on me and I've always felt bad about that and wished I'd done things differently. This time, I need to do things differently. And yes, I am leaning more towards South Florida at this point, but LA isn't out of the picture. As much as I am not a fan of South Florida, career-wise, it's a guaranteed good move - I'm guaranteed a good territory, the BEST manager, a promotion and it's going to help secure my job. While it would be nice to be closer to family, it would suck to not have any friends in the area, but it's always been easy for me to make friends. As far as LA, career-wise, it's definitely not guaranteed at all - I could very well be stepping into a situation much like the one I'm in now or even worse. Even if it were better than the one I'm in now, it wouldn't be as good as the one I could have in South Florida. I'd have The Swimmer there though, which would be amazing! No friends or family though.

So, there it is. There's the huge update. And I completely apologize for the long absence, but with all of this going on, it's been hard to have any motivation to do anything but watch tv. I promise to post regularly again now that I've caught up!

The Swimmer Is Fantastic!!

I have finally finished feeling totally and completely upset that the long weekend is over and The Swimmer has returned to LA. Perhaps this is because we bought a ticket for me to go visit him the first weekend in October and I know the time between now and then is going to fly by. I have an out of town work meeting next week and then next weekend I will be visiting my Mom in Florida. I was really so sad when it was time for me to take The Swimmer to the airport, I just couldn't stop crying. The Swimmer is great about it though, he's so comforting and sweet and truly tries to make me feel better even though he's sad too.

We had a really nice and relaxing weekend. Went out to dinner on Friday night with one of my neighbors and Crazy Girl which was good and then did a whole lot of nothing on Saturday. Sunday we went to my first ever professional baseball game which was a lot of fun. And Monday just went by way too quickly.

We talked about him coming to my Mom's house for Thanksgiving, which ended up being a funny discussion. He didn't know that when I invited him to come to meet my Mom, brother, sister-in-law and nephews for Thanksgiving that it would be for the whole weekend. He thought it was just for Thanksgiving and for that night. He thought it was just a 4 hour drive from where I live to my Mom's. It's actually an 8 hour drive, so going for one night is really not an option. I told him I would understand if he didn't feel comfortable coming for the whole weekend, that we would just figure out another time for him to meet my Mom and the rest of the family when it would be a more comfortable situation. He was so cute about it though and it was funny seeing him get all nervous about meeting my Mom and brother. He was like, "what would it be like?" "where would we sleep?"

So then Tuesday night when we were talking on the phone, he asked me if I wanted to know what he was thinking about on the plane ride back to LA. He told me that he would come to my Mom's house for the Thanksgiving weekend because he knew it meant a lot to me, even if it made him uncomfortable, he wanted to do it for me. This man is really the best! I just wish he knew it for himself. I told him again that I wouldn't want him to do anything that would make him that uncomfortable and that we'll discuss it again later, but that I was sure that we'd be able to figure out another time when it would be more comfortable for him to meet the family. He really is so sweet though.

Then, he was talking about how hot it was in his bedroom at night when he got back from visiting me. (Remember, he only has a window unit AC in his living room, nothing in his bedroom, not even a fan and there was that heat wave in LA over the weekend) He said that he couldn't wait until he moves out of this apartment and doesn't have a roommate anymore. So I said, "Well, what about me?" He said, "We'll get a place together!" I told him as long as it has central air, I'll be happy!

On another note, I am still a bit peeved about what happened with Crazy Girl and my birthday. I know I should just let it go, but I'm just very annoyed with her. Almost everything she says annoys me now or frustrates me. What sucks is that her and I are roommates at our out of town work meeting next week. Oh well. At least we won't be together for all of the meetings all day. I am supposed to go to the mall with her this Saturday, but I might just have to cancel on her for that. I think I need to have all the alone time I can get before I'm stuck with her for a few days straight. Good thing I'll be seeing The Professional tomorrow, maybe she can help me figure out how to deal with this or get over it. Maybe Crazy Girl is somehow jealous of my focus on The Swimmer? I don't know, crazy hypothesizing on my part. . .

Long Overdue. . .

So I know an update is long overdue. Things have just been very crazy and busy over the past week. Overall, my trip to LA to visit The Swimmer was great.

Got in early Thursday evening and pretty much just relaxed. Friday, The Swimmer worked all day and I relaxed. The Swimmer didn't say anything since I got to LA about meeting his family, so I was wondering if he didn't want that anymore. I didn't say anything though and figured I would just keep quiet until mid-way through dinner. So, The Swimmer got back from work, we hung out for a bit and then went for sushi. He said that we'd eat dinner and then go back to his place and watch a movie. So I asked if he still wanted to stop by his Grandma's. He said, Yes, of course, that he hadn't said anything because he didn't want me to get too nervous. So, after dinner we stopped by hig Grandma's. She is this adorable little Israeli old lady. I couldn't understand a lot of what she said because she seemed to have a pretty thick accent, but I heard her say how beautiful I am and asked me when I'm moving to LA. She was so cute. We then went next door to his Mom's and surprised her. We ended up hanging out there for about an hour and a half and I also met his Mom's fiance. The Swimmer even brought up how inexpensive real estate is where I live compared to LA and his Mom kept asking more about that. I was shocked, but definitely pleased he brought that up. After that, we just went back to his place and watched a movie.

We both woke up at about 4am to go pee, but I had a sudden, huge feeling of nausea. I told The Swimmer and he tried to make me feel better, but it just got worse. I went to the bathroom and called my Mom to try to talk me down. My cell phone died after a little bit and The Swimmer came to sit with me. After about an hour and fifteen minutes, I was finally able to take an Ativan to go to sleep. Not exactly how I wanted to start off the weekend. The Swimmer told me the next day that he had been feeling a bit queasy too, but didn't want to say anything because he knew it would freak me out.

Saturday night, we went to see The Police. It was definitely quite an experience and so much fun. Sunday, we relaxed and decided to go see a movie. Before we left for the theater, I got paranoid that I was getting a lovely UTI, so I thought it would be a great idea to drink 3 bottles of water and then another bottle when we got to the theater. Smart, huh? Such a blonde moment on my part! I had to get up 4 times during the movie to run to the bathroom.

Monday, The Swimmer went to work, so I slept in late and was quite a bum all day, but I liked it! The Swimmer came home, we went to grab take out and then spent some extra "quality time" together before going to the airport. Fantastic "quality time" I might add! On the way to the airport, I started getting scared that I was going to have a panic attack. Sure enough, I got one. The ride was very bumpy, the airport was the most chaotic I had ever seen it and I didn't want to have another one since I had had one Friday night. After checking it, I told The Swimmer that he could leave and that there was nothing he could do to calm me down from this panic attack. He wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't going to hear otherwise. I trekked to the security line and after making it through, I went to my crowded, noisy gate. I managed to take an Ativan, but it couldn't start working fast enough. As my luck would have it, my flight was delayed. The Swimmer called to check on me and I told him I would call him back in a bit. I called my Mom and she helped calm me down a bit. I just knew that as soon as I got on the plane, I would feel better. Talked to the Swimmer again who was trying his hardest to make me feel better. As soon as I got on the plane, I felt better within 10 minutes.

Saw The Professional today to try to get to the bottom of the panic attacks. When I described what happened in the middle of the night for that first attack, she said that it sounds like it wasn't a panic attack, it was definitely from dinner. She said that it was amazing and such a good thing that even when I thought I was going to throw up, I wanted The Swimmer there to comfort me. This is HUGE for me. To feel close enough and comfortable enough with a guy to feel like I wanted him there at that moment. Normally, in a situation like that, I would have locked the bathroom door and not let him in. As far as the panic attack on Monday night, that was from a feeling that I was only "allowed" or "alotted" a certain number of panic attacks in front of him and after that amount, it's not allowed. This is only from past experience and not from anything or anyway The Swimmer has made me feel. So, after seeing The Professional today, I talked to him and told him this. He reassured me that it doesn't matter to him how many panic attacks I have, that he just doesn't like it when I'm upset and that he wants to do everything he can to help me in that situation. He's so sweet! Thankfully, I see The Professional again once more before I leave for LA in a week.

So, any suggestions on birthday presents for The Swimmer? I need to find out if he has business cards. If he does, I'll get him a business card case with his initials on it and a business card holder for his desk. If not, I don't know what to get him. He has plenty of nice clothes, watches, wallets, etc.

Questions. . .

Well, I had a delightful weekend playing the Wii and relaxing. I managed to restrain myself from playing too much, for fear that I would get "Wiiitis." Yes, that is a real thing.

Anyways, off to LA in just a couple of days to see The Swimmer and I can't wait. I just hope that my flare up of my stomach condition calms down before then because it would not be fun traveling on the stomach I have had for the past few days. Positive thinking though and hopefully I will be all better before Thursday. And. . . it looks like I will be meeting his family some time this weekend. His grandma and mother ask about me all the time and they want to meet me, so it will be happening. Luckily I don't think it will be a full-on sit down dinner with them, so that definitely alleviates a lot of the pressure. I'm sure I'll be nervous anyways just because I want to make a good impression since he is pretty close with them and I'm sure their opinion of me will mean a lot to him. SO.... that is just one of the things this weekend holds for me!

I will be seeing The Professional on Wednesday, so that will be good for before I go to LA. I'm sure The Professional will be happy to hear that when I told The Swimmer I had a panic attack last week and I called my Mom, he told me that I can also call him too if I wanted to. And, hearing that my stomach thing is flaring up, he told me that he wishes he were here so he could take care of me, snuggle me and make me tea and toast so I'll feel better. He's so sweet! I think he's a keeper! OH! AND! He also brought up the whole, "How many kids do you want" question today. I was shocked and pleased that I didn't have to bring that up. He asked it by saying if I would be able to deal with the morning sickness and all with pregnancy and when I laughed about it, he said something about having five children, I was like, "What?!" He said he was just kidding and asked how many kids I want. I told him one or two and asked him how many he wants and he said two or three. If he had been serious about five, that definitely would have warranted a serious discussion about how serious he is about that, because I am certainly not going to bear five children, no thank you! And trust me, even knowing he wants two or three, there will still be much discussion (not right now though) about how he plans on raising those kids, etc. Because I will certainly not be a little housewife spending all of my time with the kids, it MUST be 50/50 and a total partnership. Anyways, that's all for now, I'm exhausted!

Step by step.... Oooohhh baby

I had to make a reference to New Kids on the Block there, couldn't resist it... I know, I'm such a dork, but I don't care!

I have to say I am a damn good cook! The Chilean Sea Bass I made on Sunday was phenomenal and I had enough for three days of leftovers! I really can kick some ass in the kitchen.

Steadman surprised me and worked with me on Tuesday, but the day went by surprisingly fast and he gave me a fantastic review.

I saw The Professional on Wednesday morning and she confirmed what Drama Queen and some others had told me about The Swimmer - that it absolutely was not a bad thing what happened when The Swimmer and I talked the Sunday he was here. That he is not freaked out in a bad way, only that he likes to think everything through very carefully, that it's okay to be scared about taking such a ginormous risk and that his being worried about me getting sick of him is totally about his own insecurities in himself and definitely not about being unsure of our relationship or anything. I really like going to The Professional, she really helps put everything into perspective and helps calm me down when I freak out about things or start overanalyzing. She's fantastic. I always feel fabulous when I leave The Professional's office - there's something about having a whole hour to talk about yourself without having to reciprocate and analyze anything and everything to pieces with someone who knows about people and the way they think. I don't know why therapists get such a bad rap a lot of the time. I'm sure there are some not-so-great ones out there, but I don't think that's too common, but I don't know. Maybe I just stumbled upon a really great one!

The Swimmer told me yesterday that at dinner at his mom's house the night before, his grandma was asking about me and told him to tell me she said hi. I thought that was absolutely adorable. I really like old ladies. I know that sounds random, but they are just fantastic - so wise with such a great perspective on life and relationships. So now he wants me to meet his grandma! Which, of course, I would be more than happy to. Big step!

Another quick weekend. . .

Why is it that just when you start to relax, the weekend is over?! I ended up running all around town yesterday, running errands, so no rest for me yesterday. And then today, after watching a movie, I did a bunch of work stuff that I've been putting off. Now that I'm done with that, I only have about another hour and a half of relaxation until I have to go to sleep. Steadman, my manager, is working with me tomorrow. Oh joy. I can't complain though, he hasn't worked with me since February, so I need to just suck it up and get it over with. So, yeah, Steadman is working with me tomorrow and then on Thursday. I'm hoping that he won't work with me all day since he has a regional manager's meeting on Tuesday and Wednesday. So I'm thinking that maybe he'll want to end the day early tomorrow to prepare for the meeting and then maybe he'll want to end early on Thursday because he'll be tired from the meeting. Hmmm... I guess I'll find out soon enough!

The Swimmer is fantastic as ever. Had an appointment with The Professional on Friday which was great. I brought up how The Swimmer and I have been together for about as long as The Idiot and I had been together and how different the relationship is. With The Swimmer, I'm so comfortable. I don't constantly analyze everything and over-think what I'm going to say and the planning of things. With The Idiot, a lot of times, I felt like I had to be careful about saying certain things or planning things. My relationship with The Swimmer is so natural and just how a relationship should be. We're so comfortable with each other and if I want to say something or ask something, I can, no over-thinking anything. I'm just really happy with The Swimmer and it's a fabulous feeling. I'm so excited for him to come visit me soon, I wish we could afford flying to see each other every other weekend instead of every two or three weekends. I just can't believe it's already May, this year is flying by so quickly. It's true, the older you get, the faster time goes by.

The weekend flew by. . .

YAY! No panic attacks all weekend!! YAY! YAY! YAY! I'm thinking that the panic attacks I had the first weekend I went to LA to visit The Swimmer were because it was my first time there and like The Professional said, I wasn't letting out my emotions. Since doing that, I have definitely made progress. For once, I am finally giving myself credit instead of being so hard on myself like I usually am. Anyways, on to the weekend...

We had so much fun and the weekend went by WAY too quickly. I got in Thursday night and after a quick shower and some realxing, The Swimmer and I went to sleep. He was up for work early Friday morning and I slept through most of his getting ready, I was so exhausted from such a busy past couple of weeks and really having no weekend when my brother was in town. After he got back from work, we relaxed and then got dressed to go for sushi. Saturday was nice, we relaxed all morning and then got showered and dressed and met up with his friend and his friend's girlfriend. Then it was off to Disneyland. His friend's girlfriend also gets carsick so we ended up taking two cars, which I was happy about. Remember how The Swimmer said the drive to Disneyland was long? Yeah, it took maybe 35 minutes, no big deal. We're just driving along and all of a sudden the next exit sign I see on the interstate was for Disneyland. Disneyland was a ton of fun, but absolutely exhausting. By the time we left, our legs felt like they weighed a ton and The Swimmer drove us home quickly where we passed out in minutes. Sunday was spent recovering from Disneyland, so we just ran a couple of errands and then watched some movies. Monday morning we were up early and then The Swimmer was off to work. It was strangely hot yesterday in LA, so I was trying to avoid going out in the heat, but there was no food for lunch in the apartment, so I was forced out. Luckily, The Swimmer lives close to The Grove in LA, so I went and walked around for a little bit and grabbed some lunch. I walked back to his place and relaxed in the living room where the A/C is until The Swimmer got home from work. He brought home sushi for dinner and we ate and relaxed together before some last minute cuddling before it was time to take me to the airport. =(

We did have a little spat, but it was quickly resolved. It basically comes down to The Swimmer being extremely sensitive. Sometimes sensitive to the point where I'm hesitant to say something because I don't want him to take it the wrong way. This came up on Sunday evening in a strange way and I told him that I like that he's sensitive, but he can't take everything personally and he can't always be perfect. He said that he always wants to be perfect for me and do everything right so sometimes when I say things, he takes it hard and personally and nobody can be perfect all the time and everyone needs to be shown new things or new ways of doing things sometimes. And that though I like that he's sensitive, he can't be sensitive to the point where I don't bring things up because I'm scared he'll get upset about it. The Swimmer agreed and apologized for upsetting me and said that he would try not to be so hard on himself. So that "spat" was kind of a good thing since it showed us that we can communicate well with each other.

It was definitely a tearful goodbye last night at the airport and I know it was hard for The Swimmer too. But, like he kept reminding me, we'll be together again in two and a half weeks when he comes to visit me over Memorial Day weekend. Anyways, time for me to relax, it's been a long day since I took the red eye back last night, so I need to vegetate.

Just a quickie!

So I know I haven't updated since my exhausting weekend, but I don't have time for a real update now either! I'm trying to get packed and ready to go to LA. Yes, I am nervous, again for fear of panic attacks, but I just need to do everything The Professional has told me to do in an effort to stave off panic attacks. Should be going to Disneyland on Saturday evening, so wish me no panic attacks then as well as today and when I leave LA on Monday night. Anyways, have a great weekend everyone! And send me good thoughts of no panic attacks!!

No attacks, but...

Got back from LA at 6am yesterday morning, so I've been too tired to post until now. The trip to see The Swimmer was fantastic. No panic attacks!! YAY!! So relieved about that. I was more expressive of my feelings, like The Professional had told me to do, and both coming from and going to the airport went smoothly. Yes, I was very teary-eyed on the way to the airport on Monday night, but I couldn't help it. I really hate it when the time comes to leave LA. He would say the littlest thing and my eyes would well up with tears. It's really hard, but I know he's worth it.

I did, however, have one health issue while in LA. I got the nastiest UTI. For anyone who has ever had a UTI, you know how hellacious they are. It came on suddenly late Saturday afternoon. The pharmacy where I live had already closed, so I couldn't get a refill on my antibiotic transferred to LA and it was too late to call my doctor. Since the next day was Easter Sunday, my pharmacy at home was going to be closed and my doctor is pretty religious so I couldn't call her. Luckily, my father is a doctor, so I had him call in a prescription which I then had transferred out to LA. Pain in the ass though. The Swimmer was very sweet, even though I got up 4 times during dinner to sprint to the bathroom to pee and then drove me around trying to find a 24 hour pharmacy so I could ask a pharmacist what I could take to help until I got some antibiotics. Couldn't find a pharmacy soon enough before I had to pee again, so we just went back to his place and I proceeded to drink bottles and bottles of water to flush out my system. I've never tried Uristat to help with a UTI because it kind of scares me - it turns your pee and most bodily fluids orange. Then I saw Cystex which doesn't turn your pee orange, but no pharmacist. After drinking several bottles of water, I was finally able to stop peeing every 2 minutes without it burning. Anyways, good thing I'm going to see my woman's doctor next week so that we can discuss new ways to avoid UTIs, as I already do the typical recommended things - him washing his hands before sex, peeing before and after sex, washing after sex, etc. Enough about that!

Things between the Swimmer and I are great. However, this is the point in a relationship where my feelings scare me. It scares me to feel as strongly as I do towards The Swimmer because there is always a chance of getting hurt. I do know that I have two choices at this point - 1- let being scared take over and run from the relationship (stupid) or 2- accept that there is always a chance of getting hurt, but you'll never know unless you take the chance. So, that's what I'm doing, accepting that, yes, I could get hurt, but it's not worth it to let those feelings scare me away from what is so far, a fantastic man and a fantastic relationship. Luckily, I see The Professional next week, so I'll be able to further discuss and learn.

Well, I'm starving, so it looks like I'll be eating dinner a little early today...

Practice Makes Perfect?

So, here's what I did this weekend: sleep in, go to the grocery and pet food store, cook, watch movies, sleep in some more and watch even more movies and tv. Wow, I was productive. Whatever, it doesn't bother me one bit! Especially since this week and weekend are going to be extremely busy. This week will be work, tennis and preparation for my trip this coming weekend to LA to visit The Swimmer.

I am already a little anxious about my trip to LA for the only reason that I hope that I don't have another massive panic attack. I know that worrying about having one won't help the situation, so that's why I'm glad that I see The Professional tomorrow. I've told The Swimmer that we should just lay low this weekend and not run around doing a lot of things all weekend in the hopes that it will keep me calm and not overwhelmed with doing stuff. We're already planning on seeing 3 movies this weekend - "Blades of Glory," "Meet the Robinsons," and "Premonition." I get to LA on Thursday evening and leave on the red eye on Monday night. The Swimmer has work on Friday and Monday, so I'm hoping that since I'll be alone all day, it will keep me from getting overwhelmed. I guess we'll see.

I ended up ordering the "Stress Eraser," the Professional said it could definitely help. It hasn't been shipped to me yet, something about there being so many orders that it's going to take longer than usual to ship out, but I think it should be sent sometime this week. Not in time for my trip to LA this weekend, but that's okay. I have been practicing some breathing techniques that the Professional said could really help. Basically, inhaling normally for 5 seconds, exhaling normally for 5 seconds, waiting 5 seconds and then starting all over again. This helps tell your body to calm down, that there is nothing wrong, as opposed to taking deep breaths which say, "Something is wrong!" and as opposed to breathing really quickly which can make panic worse. I've really been practicing, so hopefully it will help!

So glad it's the weekend!

I am really missing The Swimmer today. Don't know why, but I've been thinking about him all day today and really miss him and can't wait to be with him again. I think it's because it's "that time of the month," so I'm a little extra emotional. I just really wish he were here with me to cuddle up with and grope on. I really wish we lived in the same city and I know he wishes the same. I'm glad we get to see each other again in less than two weeks now, so that's exciting. Then just a couple weeks after I see him, I fly back out to see him again. I had more than enough frequent flier miles to get a free ticket and since those award seats are hard to come by, as soon as I found one, I got it and needless to say, The Swimmer was thrilled. What's even better about that flight, is that not only is it a free ticket, but on the red eye home, I will be sitting in first class, yay!

I did a whole lot of nothing today, which felt very nice. I woke up a bit late, but I guess I needed it, ate breakfast, watched tv, took a shower, sat on the couch and watched "The Skeleton Key" and more television. I did make it out though, one of my neighbors and I walked a few blocks to a new sushi restaurant to try it out. It was actually pretty good though not as good as my favorite sushi restaurant.

It did suck not eating sushi with The Swimmer. Since he's a guy, he can eat more than me which means between the two of us, we order 3 rolls, with me eating a total of one of those rolls, but I get to have a few pieces of each, I like variety. Since my neighbor isn't very adventurous when it comes to sushi though, I had to pick just one roll for me to eat, so no variety for me. The Swimmer is also my guinea pig when we eat sushi - we usually order a rainbow roll and if I can't tell what kind of fish is on a piece, he tries it first and knows if I'll like it or not. It's okay though, the sushi was still good and I had really been craving sushi today, so it satisfied my craving. I then came home, showered and tried something I got at Whole Foods the other day for dessert. I tried a "Purely Decadent" Soy ice cream bar. Soy vanilla ice cream dipped in dark chocolate. It was deee-licious. When I visited The Swimmer, he was on a Haagen Dazs ic cream bar kick. Since one of those things has over 20 grams of fat, I do not allow myself to eat them, so instead, I would just take a bite or two off of the one The Swimmer was eating just to satisfy my large sweet tooth. When I saw those ice cream bars at Whole Foods, I had to try them and I'm glad I did because instead of over 20 grams of fat, there's only 8 in one of them, much more acceptable to me!

I've been debating buying a Stress Eraser. It's basically a mini biofeedback machine that helps you relax and calm down. You're supposed to use it every night for 15 minutes before you go to sleep and you can also use it during a panic attack to help ease it and make it go away. The problem is, that is is $299. But, the good thing is that if I buy it directly from the company that makes it, I can pay over 5 months, no interest. Hmmm... I might have to consider that. It really could come in handy and I seem to remember The Professional mentioning it to me. I might call her on Monday to ask if it is what she mentioned a few months ago and if it will help me. Anyways, that's all for now, must get back to relaxing!

A recap...

So I'm finally taking some time to report on my trip last weekend to visit The Swimmer in LA. The trip was great! My flight to LA got delayed, so I didn't get in until almost 10pm and I was exhausted, so we basically just went back to his place and went to sleep. The next day he had to take his car in to get something replaced so we went and saw a movie, got lunch and walked around. After picking up his car, we ran some errands, got hot dogs at Pink's for dinner and went back to his place. We watched the end of Rocky 4 and started watching Borat, but we were tired so we fell asleep. Saturday we went down to Santa Monica, walked around at 3rd Street promenade and down by the beach. We had sushi for dinner, went to the Grove, but it was too packed, so we left and went back to his place. We tried watching Borat once again, but we fell asleep. Wow, it sounds like we're 85 year olds, doesn't it!? Sunday it was really hot out, so we went to the pool at his apartment complex and got some sun (I made sure to wear sunscreen to protect my fair skin though!). Once we had enough of the heat and sun, we showered and drove around for a bit and then met up with one of his friends and his friend's girlfriend for dinner. I knew his friend when I lived in LA, so it was fun to see him again too. After dinner, The Swimmer and I went back to his place to relax for a bit before we had to leave to take me to the airport. That was when something happened that I hadn't wanted to happen.

I had a huge panic attack. I tried to hide it from The Swimmer, but it got to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore, so I told him. He told me that I shouldn't have tried to hide it from him and that he could tell something was going on. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do for me and there wasn't, I just needed to give it time to go away. He just kept saying how he wished there was something that he could do and offered to hug me, hold me, give me a massage, anything to make me feel better. What was annoying about this particular panic attack was that usually, my panic attacks are bad and then they gradually get better and go away, this one was bad, it would get better, it would get bad again and so on. It was really frustrating. Right when I'd start to feel better, it would get bad again. We finally got in the car to go to the airport and I made it to the airport. I panicked a little bit when it was time to go into the airport, but I forced myself. I had to take a flight that left an hour later because it was too close to my flight time for me to check my bag, but it was okay. I checked my bag and then had to leave The Swimmer to go through security. We said our goodbyes and I cried a bit telling him how hard it is for me to let him see me so vulnerable. He reassured me that he didn't think any less of me and it made him happy that I was letting him see me so vulnerable, that he just wished he could make the panic attack go away so I wouldn't have to feel so scared.

Before we left his place, we were trying to figure out the cause of the panic attack. I told him that I thought it was just the stress of everything coming together, i.e. flying out to see him, having to leave knowing I'm going to miss him so much and then taking a red eye home. He reminded me that we had decided that if things keep going the way they are going with us that I will move out there at the end of the year and to just remember that. That he cares about me and that I make him so happy, so I shouldn't stress out about having to leave him. I just felt really bad that this panic attack was happening during our last couple of hours together, when I'd much rather be laying in bed with him talking and doing other things and not standing and pacing, freaking out. He said that it didn't bother him, he just wanted me to feel better. I'm glad that I'll be seeing The Professional again before I go back to LA in a little less than 3 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this and figure out how I can prevent this from happening again.

The Swimmer started his new job this past week, so he's been very excited about that. He has still managed to be incredibly sweet though, text messaging me randomly to tell me how much he misses me and telling me how he wishes I was at his place when he gets home from work so he can tell me all about his day in person instead of over the phone. I just really wish I were rich, then I would just move out there so he and I could be together. Unfortunately, I am not rich and I have a job and I own my own place here so I can't just pick up and move. The Swimmer reminded me that in a way it is good that we are starting out long distance because we're learning patience and we're getting to know each other way better than if we were in the same city at the beginning and that we'll be together again soon. He's just so sweet and caring and great about all of this, I feel so lucky to have him!

That's all for now, must get showered because Crazy Girl is coming in to town and we're going to get burgers and beer! Yum!