So I'm finally taking some time to report on my trip last weekend to visit The Swimmer in LA. The trip was great! My flight to LA got delayed, so I didn't get in until almost 10pm and I was exhausted, so we basically just went back to his place and went to sleep. The next day he had to take his car in to get something replaced so we went and saw a movie, got lunch and walked around. After picking up his car, we ran some errands, got hot dogs at Pink's for dinner and went back to his place. We watched the end of Rocky 4 and started watching Borat, but we were tired so we fell asleep. Saturday we went down to Santa Monica, walked around at 3rd Street promenade and down by the beach. We had sushi for dinner, went to the Grove, but it was too packed, so we left and went back to his place. We tried watching Borat once again, but we fell asleep. Wow, it sounds like we're 85 year olds, doesn't it!? Sunday it was really hot out, so we went to the pool at his apartment complex and got some sun (I made sure to wear sunscreen to protect my fair skin though!). Once we had enough of the heat and sun, we showered and drove around for a bit and then met up with one of his friends and his friend's girlfriend for dinner. I knew his friend when I lived in LA, so it was fun to see him again too. After dinner, The Swimmer and I went back to his place to relax for a bit before we had to leave to take me to the airport. That was when something happened that I hadn't wanted to happen.
I had a huge panic attack. I tried to hide it from The Swimmer, but it got to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore, so I told him. He told me that I shouldn't have tried to hide it from him and that he could tell something was going on. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do for me and there wasn't, I just needed to give it time to go away. He just kept saying how he wished there was something that he could do and offered to hug me, hold me, give me a massage, anything to make me feel better. What was annoying about this particular panic attack was that usually, my panic attacks are bad and then they gradually get better and go away, this one was bad, it would get better, it would get bad again and so on. It was really frustrating. Right when I'd start to feel better, it would get bad again. We finally got in the car to go to the airport and I made it to the airport. I panicked a little bit when it was time to go into the airport, but I forced myself. I had to take a flight that left an hour later because it was too close to my flight time for me to check my bag, but it was okay. I checked my bag and then had to leave The Swimmer to go through security. We said our goodbyes and I cried a bit telling him how hard it is for me to let him see me so vulnerable. He reassured me that he didn't think any less of me and it made him happy that I was letting him see me so vulnerable, that he just wished he could make the panic attack go away so I wouldn't have to feel so scared.
Before we left his place, we were trying to figure out the cause of the panic attack. I told him that I thought it was just the stress of everything coming together, i.e. flying out to see him, having to leave knowing I'm going to miss him so much and then taking a red eye home. He reminded me that we had decided that if things keep going the way they are going with us that I will move out there at the end of the year and to just remember that. That he cares about me and that I make him so happy, so I shouldn't stress out about having to leave him. I just felt really bad that this panic attack was happening during our last couple of hours together, when I'd much rather be laying in bed with him talking and doing other things and not standing and pacing, freaking out. He said that it didn't bother him, he just wanted me to feel better. I'm glad that I'll be seeing The Professional again before I go back to LA in a little less than 3 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this and figure out how I can prevent this from happening again.
The Swimmer started his new job this past week, so he's been very excited about that. He has still managed to be incredibly sweet though, text messaging me randomly to tell me how much he misses me and telling me how he wishes I was at his place when he gets home from work so he can tell me all about his day in person instead of over the phone. I just really wish I were rich, then I would just move out there so he and I could be together. Unfortunately, I am not rich and I have a job and I own my own place here so I can't just pick up and move. The Swimmer reminded me that in a way it is good that we are starting out long distance because we're learning patience and we're getting to know each other way better than if we were in the same city at the beginning and that we'll be together again soon. He's just so sweet and caring and great about all of this, I feel so lucky to have him!
That's all for now, must get showered because Crazy Girl is coming in to town and we're going to get burgers and beer! Yum!
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