Still smiling...

My weekend was definitely relaxing and not very event filled, but I'm happy about that. Saw "Catch and Release" on Friday night which was very cute and a total chick-flick, as expected. Saturday I didn't do much except meet up with Crazy Girl while she got her hair done and then we went and grabbed a small dinner. Saturday night I did absolutely nothing but sit on my couch. Sunday I lazed around until I felt uncomfortably unproductive and decided to do some cleaning up and laundry. So, all in all, a very uneventful weekend.

The Swimmer continues to amaze me. I can't even fully describe all of the ways he does, but he just does. I get a huge smile on my face when I think about him. This is unlike any other relationship I've been in, in a good way. I spoke with one of my best friends today and she told me how I sound so much more excited about The Swimmer than I ever was about The Idiot or any other guy. I just love how I feel so comfortable being totally open and honest with The Swimmer and he is the same. It feels really good. Really, really good. Not only do we IM for almost 4 hours everyday, but then he calls me every night and we talk for usually about an hour. So, if it's not obvious already, I'm really feeling fantastic.

My best friend from college called me today since she's trying to plan a business trip in my city and wants to hang out while she's here. It was pretty much through her that The Swimmer and I met. She still doesn't know about him and I and I'm not ready to tell her. She knows the old him, not the him that I know now. She asked me if I'm seeing anyone and at first I just told her I'm dating around, but I'm not good at lying or keeping things from close friends, so I finally told her that, yes, I am seeing someone, but that I'm not ready to go into detail with her because it's still new and I'm really happy and excited. I told her that this relationship is different than any other one I've been in and that I'm really happy and feeling good about it and that he treats me better than any other guy I've been with. I figure I'll tell her about the relationship without telling her who it is and then when I see her, I'll tell her who it is, that way she gets to know The Swimmer as he is now without any preconceived notion. Does that all make sense? I told The Swimmer all of this and his reply was that he stands with me no matter what I do. He's so sweet!

Great start to the weekend...

Well this weekend is off to a great start so far. My Mom is cleaning out the closets at her house and is rediscovering some great vintage finds, one of which she has sent to me - a Cartier LOVE bracelet from the 70s. Not bad, huh? She's pretty sure she has some vintage Chanel and Louis Vuitton bags which I told her I would happily take off her hands.

In between work and running errands, I signed onto IM just to see who was on and The Swimmer was there! He quickly told me that plane ticket prices went down again and as soon as he saw that, he bought one! YEAH! So he comes back to visit me on Feb. 17 and stays until the night of the 20th. We're both extremely excited! That made the start of this weekend even better! I really can't wait to see him and be with him again.

Tonight I'm having a chick flick night with one of my friends, we're going to see "Catch and Release." It looks really cute and I think Jennifer Garner is so cool, she seems like she could totally be a best friend, you know? Tomorrow, I plan on sleeping in and relaxing for most of the day until I go to meet up with Crazy Girl at the hair salon where she's getting her hair highlighted. I think we're going to go grab drinks with the girl that does our highlights afterwards, so that should be fun. Sunday I plan on doing absolutely nothing but relaxing, one of my favorite weekend activities.

Tired, but really happy

Had a field trainer working with me today, so that's always a bit of pain, but it wasn't too bad. I'm just tired now. It's exhausting to have to be "on" all day instead of just "on" for a few minutes at a time. She's working with me again tomorrow, not because I need training, but just because she has to get a certain number of days in with us sales people in the "field." So I get to endure this. Oh well, tomorrow won't be too bad and then it's almost the weekend.

I'm especially happy today because I had a little voice in my head tell me to check ticket prices for The Swimmer to come visit me over President's Day weekend and I'm glad I listened to the voice because ticket prices had really gone down! So The Swimmer should be coming to visit in just three and a half weeks! Yeah! I almost did this in another post, but didn't because some things I like to keep to myself because they're so special, but I thought these two statements by The Swimmer were so sweet that I'm debating sharing them. Haven't decided yet though.

I will share one sweet thing he said - "Together is optimal happiness!" This was in the context of us discussing that we're happy people, but when we're together, it's another level of happiness. Not only is he smart, but he's good-looking, funny, tall, sweet, caring, trustworthy and on top of it all, he's Jewish! So yeah!

On the topic of being Jewish, my brother told my Mom and I today that he has decided to get a tattoo. He insists that it's not against Jewish law because when he lived in Israel, so many people had tattoos. Hmmm... not sure about that one! From the way he described it, the tattoo does sound tasteful. The plan is for a Star of David with the hebrew word for family above it and our last name below it with his two kid's names on either side. I'm still not convinced that it's a good idea, but it's not my body, so whatever!

I Get It Now!

The Swimmer continues to make me smile like a crazy lady with his openness, honesty and vulnerability. It's really nice to see a guy show his vulnerability when that's something that I have had trouble in the past showing. Like I said in a previous post, my phobia of throwing up comes down to a fear of being vulnerable. My relationship with The Idiot really helped teach me that it's okay to be vulnerable and that because you need some reassurance every once in a while, it doesn't mean you're being needy.

The Swimmer is only reinforcing this in me. When IMing earlier, The Swimmer asked if I still think about him. I told him that of course I do and asked if he was doubting that. He replied that no, he just wanted to hear it. Did/do I see that as being needy? NO! So that just shows me that when you need reassurance, it doesn't mean that you're being needy, it just means that it feels good to hear nice things from someone you care about and who cares about you. Man, The Professional would love this! That's one thing that she kept pointing out to me during my relationship with The Idiot, but I'm fully understanding that and accepting that now with The Swimmer.

The Swimmer is so cute too, he told me how he's looking into coming to visit during President's Day weekend, but that he doesn't want to promise anything because he doesn't want to let me down or disappoint me. I told him that we should be splitting the airfare whether he comes to visit me or I come to visit him, since the airfares fluctuate so much. I'm excited too because after a business trip at the end of February, I'll have enough miles for a free plane ticket! Yeah! So, if things continue to develop between The Swimmer and I, I'll be able to fly out to LA and visit him for free. I figure that as much as it might suck to do it, since the time change on the flight back here makes it so it takes almost a whole day up to fly back, I might try taking a red eye back. (If the trip happens) That way, I can get maximum time with him and just sleep a little on the flight back, come home and sleep for a few hours and then go to work as usual that day. (I love having a flexible job!)

Going to see Catch and Release this weekend with one of my girl friends, I love chick flick nights!! Can't beat seeing a sappy girl movie with friends and talking about life and love.

So sweet

The Swimmer is the sweetest guy I think I've ever met. He is being so reassuring and cute about the long-distance aspect of this relationship (is this called that now?). After IMing for hours on Thursday, he wanted to call me on his drive home from work, just so he could hear my voice. When we were IMing yesterday, he said how nice it was to hear my voice, but also how it was difficult because he wants to be with me so much. We IMed for hours again yesterday, just about everyday things and of course about being together and how much we miss each other. What's funny is that all of this sappy stuff that would have normally made me feel a bit awkward in the past, actually feels REALLY good now and normal, not awkward at all. He keeps saying to me how he doesn't want to be with anyone else and can't stop thinking about me. If I were to continue to write, many of you would probably get sick from reading all of the sappiness, but it's really nice and comforting to hear it to me.

The Swimmer called me earlier just to talk. I must have looked like such a crazy lady at the supermarket because that was where I was when he called and I just had the biggest grin on my face from the moment I saw it was him calling until way after we got off the phone.

I don't know if it's because I'm in it, but for some reason, I feel like things could work between The Swimmer and I. The fact is, we've known each other for over four and a half years, we started out as friends and these feelings we're having were not planned. I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm sure I've said it before, things happen for a reason and at the time in your life when they are supposed to. I just know that he makes me feel incredible and I truly feel like I can trust him.

The next step in this and one which is important if this relationship (!!) is going to work, is talking about whether or not he could see himself moving here to be with me or if I could see myself moving to LA to be with him. I'm not quite sure how to bring this up, but I know that one of us has to and luckily, we've both agreed that being very open and honest is key to making this work. Luckily, we both feel very comfortable being open and honest with each other.

Later, Crazy Girl is coming over to hang out and then we're going to dinner with the Gay Neighbors and another neighbor. So it should be a fun and relaxing evening.

WOW!!!! Again!!!!

So all of that worrying about if The Swimmer felt the same way about the weekend was for nothing. Surprisingly, he opened up yesterday and today on IM without prodding from me. So, yeah, I'm not crazy and I didn't imagine anything over the weekend. I'm still in shock now it's not only shock because of how great the weekend went, but shock over these conversations.

He said that he wants to be with me and is willing to be patient about not seeing each other as often as we'd like as long as we're together. I couldn't believe that he was saying all of this stuff. He said that he can't stop thinking about me and is glad that I'm feeling the same way as he is. That feelings like these don't happen that often and he doesn't want to let this or me get away. That it would be worth it to him to try and see where things go. We agreed that long distance relationships are tough, but he said that it's worth it for the right person and he just wants to be with me. I told him how glad I was that he was being so open so that I didn't have to sit and analyze everything. He said that he wanted to let it out so that we could discuss it instead of speculating. I told him how that's not a typical guy thing to do and he agreed that it's not typical of guys and it's not typical of him, but he wanted to express to me how he feels. I told him that it makes me really happy that he feels comfortable enough with me to open up and that he took a big risk in doing so and it means a lot to me.

Why am I always so cautious? I can't even let myself be happy about all of the REALLY nice things he said for more than 15 minutes. I'm now worrying about what's next. . . How can this work? Long distance relationships rarely work. Does it help that we've been friends first for over 4 1/2 years? What do I do? I know I need to just take a little bit and enjoy how this feels right now, but I'm almost scared to because I'm scared of getting hurt. I just need to remember that when it comes down to it, it's worth the possibility of getting hurt to be in a relationship if it is a good one. I need to also slow down my thoughts and realize that he just left yesterday and that there are a ton of possibilities right now, so stop trying to predict what's going to happen and let things unfold how they are meant to be.

The Professional was very excited about the weekend's events and encouraged me to be open-minded about a long-distance relationship if that is where this leads. I told her my hesitation and fears about that but she reassured me that they can work and yeah, it takes work, but all relationships take some work.

I feel like this is all a dream. . .

WOW! Is all I have to say. . .

So, my long weekend with The Swimmer is over. . . Here are my responses to the questions I posed Thursday night. . .

When the weekend is over, am I going to be happy or sad or what? Sad.

Am I going to be attracted to him? Yes!

I could really do with getting some this weekend, it's been a while. Is it going to be really weird? Not at all.

If we kiss, is it going to be like Rachel and Joey on Friends? Nope.

Or more like Rachel and Ross? Exactly.

How are the first few moments going to be when I pick him up at the airport? They were a little awkward, but no where near as awkward as I had anticipated.

Here's a review of the weekend. Picked him up from the airport and came back to my place. Went to the bar behind my building for some dinner and drinks and then came back to my place. Didn't know what to do, so we watched some episodes from the first season of 90210, which he brought for me. After an episode, he finally went in for the kiss. It wasn't horrible or awkward but it also wasn't fireworks. That all changed rather quickly though. We pretty much madeout for a few hours before finally calling it a night and going to bed at around 2am.

Now, there are some guys who are bad at spooning and sleeping in bed with and then there are guys who are absolutely SPECTACULAR at this. The Swimmer is absolutely SPECTACULAR at spooning, cuddling and sleeping in bed with. Don't know how to explain what makes a guy good at that, so I'll just leave it at that. We woke up Saturday morning and laid in bed for a while, it just felt beyond nice. We had sex, which again, wasn't bad, but also wasn't fireworks, but that's typical as far as the first time with someone new, in my opinion. We showered and got dressed so we could get breakfast, get some groceries for the weekend and so I could give him a little driving tour of my city. After that, we relaxed for a bit before walking a few blocks to a sports bar to watch some football. Later, we met up with The Couple for sushi and then went out to a bar/lounge. We had so much freaking fun. Let's just say that Husband (of the Couple) started buying shots which I didn't take and neither did Wife. So, it was Husband and The Swimmer taking shots most of the night. Once we all called it a night, The Swimmer and I came back to my place and etc. This time was way better for me. I was definitely satisfied, but he kept going and going and nothing, too many drinks. We had a bunch of hysterical laughs though, so it was fine.

Sunday, we were parked on the couch in our underwear all day watching football. Such an ideal day for me and it was for him too. There was lots of groping going on, which is one of my favorite things, I'm all about the groping. We went for sushi and then cuddled in bed all night. Monday (yesterday) was pretty much the same thing, on the couch in our underwear with lots of groping. We made it out of my place once to meet up with Crazy Girl and one of my neighbors for lunch. Otherwise, lots of groping and making out and etc. last night.

Today, we spent most of the day cuddling in bed, he really didn't want to get out of bed because he knew once he did, it really meant that he was going back to LA. Yesterday and today, he kept saying how much he likes being with me, how much fun we have, how we get along so well, etc. Last night, I tried to ask him why he came to visit, but I wasn't very clear and he didn't catch on. I told him how I was in shock that he actually came to visit and he said that he just really wanted to see me. So, hmm, not sure what that means, but whatever. After more cuddling and a late lunch today, it was time to take him to the airport. I went in with him and he checked in and we walked through the security line, holding hands. When it was time for him to go without me, we started kissing, no tongues or anything though, come on now - I rarely makeout in public! The security guy asked us to step out of the line while we said our goodbyes. I didn't know what to say to him at that point. I told him that I had such a great time, he's welcome to come visit again whenever he wants and that I'm really glad he came. He said that he had the best time and he just might come visit me again and for me to drive home safely. I have to admit that I was very choked up as I walked away from him and still am.

So, I just don't know what to think about it all. I just know that I had a phenomenal weekend and I'm sad that it's over. It was really nice having someone around who likes to do the same things you do and who you get along with so well and who you don't get sick of being around. I also know that if I lived in LA or if he lived here, we would be together. But the fact that we live on opposite coasts is huge. I just wonder what he's thinking about it all and what this all meant to him. If it was just a booty call weekend for him, that's fine. If it was more for him, that's fine too. I'm just wondering what he's thinking. . .

Had Steadman working with me again today, but I'm not as exhausted as I was yesterday. Don't know if I'm going on adrenaline here or what, I don't think so. I think it was more like I have stuff to do, so just get through it and then you can relax. Once I got back from work at 5pm, I did a bit of cleaning while waiting for the cleaning lady to come do the nitty-gritty stuff. While she did that, I did more cleaning and laundry. By the time she left, it was 8pm and I hadn't eaten dinner or showered or called my Mom or anything. So I did all of that and didn't sit down to relax until almost 9:30pm. After watching my DVRed episode of Grey's Anatomy, I am now writing and pondering tomorrow's events.

In less than 24 hours, The Swimmer arrives. So many thoughts going through my head right now. I can't believe how quickly time has past. Before I know it, the long weekend is going to be over. When the weekend is over, am I going to be happy or sad or what? Am I going to be attracted to him? I could really do with getting some this weekend, it's been a while. Is it going to be really weird? If we kiss, is it going to be like Rachel and Joey on Friends? Or more like Rachel and Ross? How are the first few moments going to be when I pick him up at the airport?

As far as the airport pickup, not sure if I wrote my decision on that, but the Professional suggested that I go inside and pick him up rather than just get him at the curb since he's never been to Atlanta and it's just the nice thing to do. So, I will definitely have my cell phone glued to my ear during my drive to the airport as well as while I'm waiting in the airport. I have Crazy Girl on standby to talk me through the whole thing, so that's good. Crazy Girl can always be counted on to get me through nerve-wracking times like that, so that's great. After work, which I will finish extremely early, Crazy Girl and I are meeting for lunch, then I'm getting my hair cut since I am in desperate need of a trim. After the haircut, I'm coming home, taking a whore's bath, as I like to call it (a shower with no hair washing, just body washing), getting dressed and hopefully having a few minutes to relax before I drive to the airport. Anyways, time for bed, I'm ready to get all snuggled up in bed with my kitty and sleep. I'm even going to sleep in a little in the morning since I've been waking up extra early the past couple of days. More tomorrow before The Swimmer arrives!!

Can't believe how exhausted I am right now. Yesterday, my boss, I'll call him Steadman (because of his resemblance to Oprah's man), called me and "asked" if he could work with me today and tomorrow. He's not a bad boss at all, he's actually pretty cool, but when you're used to working alone everyday, when someone works with you, it sucks. You can't hurry up and finish your work early so you can get to the gym before it gets packed, if you're just feeling crappy, you can't cut your day short, can't go to the bathroom for as long as you need when you want, etc. It's just exhausting to have someone with you in your car and having to be "on" all day. Steadman is with me again tomorrow, so tomorrow should be just as exhausting, oh joy!

The cleaning lady comes tomorrow evening to help me get my place super clean before my weekend guest. I keep my place pretty clean normally, but every few months, I have her come just to get into all of the nooks and crannies I can't/don't/won't get into and gets the place sparkling. So that'll be nice.

This is a short one and I apologize, but I just can't even think straight right now!

I have such a temper when watching my college football team play. Watching the championship game right now and I am glad I put it back on. I had changed the channel about 10 seconds into the game out of frustration. That's how I watch them. I get mad and I change the channel. If I'm watching it with other people, when I get mad, I leave the room. I know, it's only a game, but it comes down to my not having any patience with stupid people. Needless to say, I get REALLY bad road rage. I am genuinely ashamed of the things that come out of my mouth when I drive. Sometimes I have to laugh after I say/scream things because they're so ridiculous. It's not my fault though, if people weren't such bad drivers, I wouldn't have such a road rage problem. I also spend more time driving than most people because of my job. I am in sales, therefore, I do not work in an office, I drive from office to office doing my job all day, so whereas most people just drive to and from work, I drive while I work. I consider my car my second home. Here are the things I hate the most that bad drivers do:

1. I hate it when people take more than a second to step on the gas when the light changes from red to green. Pay attention people!!

2. I hate it when people don't use their turn signal.

3. I hate it when people use their turn signal, but don't turn it off after they've made their turn.

4. I hate it when people cruise in the far left lane on the highway. That lane is for passing only! Get out of my way!

5. I hate it when people are in any of the left lanes and people in the lane to the right of them are passing them, that should tell them they are going too slow.

6. I hate it when people drive so fast that it's really unsafe, as in more than 20 mph faster than the fastest person on the road. They deserve to get tickets.

7. I hate it when people don't want to let you pass them, so they speed up but then slow down again. Don't play games! Either move to the right lane, or let me pass you!

That's all of my bitching on bad drivers now.

Anyways, The Swimmer is very excited about his visit this week, he keeps bringing it up in IM conversations. I'm very excited too, I just can't believe it's almost here, so strange. I just hope I'm not so nervous that I'm sick to my stomach all day Friday, if that's the case, I'll be taking some Ativan, which I'd rather not do, but if I have to, I will. Anyways, back to my football game! Go Gators!!

What I thought would be a relaxing night last night turned into anything but. . . Me, Crazy Girl (the girl I work with and is one of my closest friends in my city) met up with my Gay Neighbors, another husband and wife that live in my building as well as this married couple who are friends of my Gay Neighbors for a nice dinner to celebrate one of the Gay Neighbor's birthdays. (I know that was confusing, but whatever, you get the point.) Crazy Girl and I started out the night with a couple of French Martinis, our favorite drink, and went to the restaurant. Crazy Girl continued drinking, but I stopped knowing that I had already had a couple of drinks and still wanted to be able to drive home. After dinner, most of us went back to the Gay Neighbor's place and hung out. Crazy Girl drank some champagne and I hung out with the others telling funny stories and coming close to peeing in our pants. Crazy Girl then had the brilliant idea to go to the gay male strip club where we had been twice before - once on my birthday weekend and once on her birthday weekend. So, Crazy Girl and I decide to go. We get to the strip club and Crazy Girl continues drinking martinis and proceeds to get totally wasted. To simplify the story yet not leave out any funny parts, here's an overview of what happened - she drinks, talks to one of the strippers about marijuana, talks to that same stripper for about 15 minutes about the war on drugs and taxes, gets uncomfortably drunk, buys me a lap dance with some really gross stripper. . . After leaving the strip club, I decide that I need to get food into her because she is going to want to drive home at some point. We go to McDonald's and she orders and eats: a double cheeseburger, large fries, 6 piece nuggets and a large Coke. So gross and I don't know how she could eat that much, she's tall and skinny and you would never guess that she could eat so much. After staying on the phone with her for her whole drive home, about 40 minutes, I finally get to bed at 4:45am. So much for an early night!!

Woke up this morning at about 10:30am since I was going to The Couple's place for Shabbat lunch at 12:30. Had SO much fun there! I didn't leave until 6pm! It was mainly the same few people that are there when I usually go so we always have a good time. The Student and his annoying girlfriend were there as was the guy who is kind of friends with The Idiot who was totally checking me out at the Chanukah party. The guys were so excited to hear that I went to the gay male strip club last night because they are so obsessed with hearing all about what goes on there. The Student loves hearing about the strip club and pretty much comes close to peeing in his pants when we all talk about it. At one point, we were all talking about Shabbat dinner vs. Shabbat lunch and I was saying how I prefer coming over for Shabbat lunch because we always have so much fun telling stories and hanging out and I like that it's usually the same people. The wife of The Couple was happy to hear that we all weren't sick of each other. The Student then says, pointing to me, "I like this one. I'll trade her for that one (referring to his girlfriend.)" She got really upset, but we all thought it was hilarious. So now I am finally home and have eaten dinner and am preparing for a few hours of brainless tv - namely a few episodes of "Girls Next Door" that I DVRed from earlier. So tired, but it was worth it!

Finally got to IM with The Swimmer today for longer than 2 minutes. He IMed me earlier in the day when I was at an appointment with The Professional. He told me that when we first started IMing later in the day, and I responded with, "Couldn't stand going so long without talking to me, huh?" His response which made me smile, "I just wanted to chat for a bit. Getting a haircut this weekend, getting all cleaned up to come see you!" Awhh... I just can't believe how soon he's going to be here! Told him how I'd probably be nervous on my way to the airport to pick him up and told him how he is going to be nervous on his 4 hour plane ride out here. Discussed that anxiety with The Professional today and basically it comes down to: What am I nervous about? I'm nervous about those first minutes being awkward. So basically, I need to accept that, yes, the first few minutes will be awkward, but that's not going to last long. I just need to think of things to talk about and questions to ask him when it's awkward. When it comes down to it, if I ask him a question, he's going to talk, people love talking about themselves and that takes the pressure off of me. I'm really looking forward to next weekend, it's going to be so much fun!

I just keep thinking about what the first kiss is going to be like. . . When is he gonna make the move? Is it going to be good? Is he a good kisser? Is the physical chemistry going to be there? I guess I'll find out soon enough!

I already have a hair appointment scheduled for Friday before he comes in so that I know my hair is going to look incredible. Getting waxed on Wednesday so that's taken care of. Having the cleaning lady come and do some extra cleaning besides what I normally do so that the house is spic and span. So, yes, I am getting ready and this weekend is going to fly by, lots of stuff planned.

As for The Financer, talked to him for a couple of minutes online this evening. He all of a sudden got very personal, but backed off when I told him it surprised me. Not going to dismiss him because of that though, I'll see where things go with him, I need another guy for when The Swimmer leaves, don't I?!

New Year's at home was wonderful. As always, I got teary-eyed at midnight which is always weird to me. I don't know why I always get choked up at that time, but I always do. Maybe it's the end of one year and the beginning of a new one that gets me. All of the possibilities? Don't know! It was quite relaxing, just me and the kitty on the couch. I did some online window shopping with my Mom for a bit and talked to one of my old friends who was also staying home for the night. So that was that and it felt great getting back to normal life today. I even mangaged to score a $260 pair of designer jeans for $25, quite a deal!!

No news on The Swimmer today, didn't IM with him today, I don't think he was at work today.

Started IMing with a guy from, of all places, MySpace today. We'd e-mailed a couple of times, but IMed today. We'll call him The Financer, since that's what his job entails. I like his sense of humor and "quickness." He asked me what my last name was and I wouldn't tell him since you don't know what kind of psycho he could be. He asked how we could figure out if the other person is a psycho and I told him I wasn't sure. He said he's met 2 people off of MySpace before and one turned out to be cool and the other, not so much. I'm not sure how awkward meeting someone from MySpace would be. I would assume it would be like meeting someone off of an online dating site. Maybe I'll give The Financer a shot and meet him in person or talk to him on the phone. I'm really not big into talking on the phone though. I just don't like talking on the phone with many people, really only with my Mom, my friend we'll call Crazy Girl and a couple of close friends who live in other cities. But I guess talking on the phone is the next step with The Financer. So, we'll see. I wonder if he's really 6 feet tall like it says on his profile. . .