New Favorite!

SO, in my last post, I told you all about some fantastic new music. Now, I have to tell you about my new favorite tv show. Before watching it, I hadn't planned on watching it and thought it looked totally ridiculous and stupid. About halfway through watching the first episode, I couldn't stop laughing, uncontrollably too. It's "Tori & Dean: Inn Love." I never cared for Tori Spelling, I thought she was gross and stupid. Boy, was I wrong. After watching two episodes of this show, I feel like her and I could be best friends. She is so freaking hilarious! Two examples, both of which made me laugh until I had tears running down my cheeks: On the first episode, she gets a 4D sonogram done of her baby; upon seeing the baby's nose, she says something to the effect of, "I don't know whose nose that is, I can't even remember what mine looked like. The baby looks like Satan!" Too funny. On the second episode, she goes to her OBGYN twice because she is concerned that she can't feel the baby moving. The second time, it's because she took a bath the night before and is scared that she killed the baby. She thinks that maybe the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's neck and it's kicking furiously to try to get out of it. The doctor then reassures her that, no, she did not cook her baby in the bath. I seriously had to pause the tv to get a tissue to wipe the tears off my cheeks. I might have to watch it again today because it was that funny. There are many other hysterical moments in both episodes, but I don't want to give everything away. Anyways, if you get the chance, it's on Oxygen and new episodes come on Tuesday nights at 10:30pm. Taking my butt to the gym. . .

Looking for Music?

If anyone is looking for some really great music to listen to, dance to, drive to, workout to, anything, I have the answer. Buy and download or buy at a store Mika's new album, "Life in Cartoon Motion." It's so freakin' good! I can't stop listening to him, he's amazing. Very fun music that will have you shakin' it! His voice really reminds me of Freddie Mercury, but his music is definitely Euro-pop, but listenable Europop. You've probably already heard a couple of his songs without knowing it, but I've been waiting for this album to come out for months now and it's finally here! Enjoy!!

So glad it's the weekend!

I am really missing The Swimmer today. Don't know why, but I've been thinking about him all day today and really miss him and can't wait to be with him again. I think it's because it's "that time of the month," so I'm a little extra emotional. I just really wish he were here with me to cuddle up with and grope on. I really wish we lived in the same city and I know he wishes the same. I'm glad we get to see each other again in less than two weeks now, so that's exciting. Then just a couple weeks after I see him, I fly back out to see him again. I had more than enough frequent flier miles to get a free ticket and since those award seats are hard to come by, as soon as I found one, I got it and needless to say, The Swimmer was thrilled. What's even better about that flight, is that not only is it a free ticket, but on the red eye home, I will be sitting in first class, yay!

I did a whole lot of nothing today, which felt very nice. I woke up a bit late, but I guess I needed it, ate breakfast, watched tv, took a shower, sat on the couch and watched "The Skeleton Key" and more television. I did make it out though, one of my neighbors and I walked a few blocks to a new sushi restaurant to try it out. It was actually pretty good though not as good as my favorite sushi restaurant.

It did suck not eating sushi with The Swimmer. Since he's a guy, he can eat more than me which means between the two of us, we order 3 rolls, with me eating a total of one of those rolls, but I get to have a few pieces of each, I like variety. Since my neighbor isn't very adventurous when it comes to sushi though, I had to pick just one roll for me to eat, so no variety for me. The Swimmer is also my guinea pig when we eat sushi - we usually order a rainbow roll and if I can't tell what kind of fish is on a piece, he tries it first and knows if I'll like it or not. It's okay though, the sushi was still good and I had really been craving sushi today, so it satisfied my craving. I then came home, showered and tried something I got at Whole Foods the other day for dessert. I tried a "Purely Decadent" Soy ice cream bar. Soy vanilla ice cream dipped in dark chocolate. It was deee-licious. When I visited The Swimmer, he was on a Haagen Dazs ic cream bar kick. Since one of those things has over 20 grams of fat, I do not allow myself to eat them, so instead, I would just take a bite or two off of the one The Swimmer was eating just to satisfy my large sweet tooth. When I saw those ice cream bars at Whole Foods, I had to try them and I'm glad I did because instead of over 20 grams of fat, there's only 8 in one of them, much more acceptable to me!

I've been debating buying a Stress Eraser. It's basically a mini biofeedback machine that helps you relax and calm down. You're supposed to use it every night for 15 minutes before you go to sleep and you can also use it during a panic attack to help ease it and make it go away. The problem is, that is is $299. But, the good thing is that if I buy it directly from the company that makes it, I can pay over 5 months, no interest. Hmmm... I might have to consider that. It really could come in handy and I seem to remember The Professional mentioning it to me. I might call her on Monday to ask if it is what she mentioned a few months ago and if it will help me. Anyways, that's all for now, must get back to relaxing!

Pollen sucks

The ridiculous amount of pollen in the air is really taking its toll on me. My head has been in a fog all day and I now have a very annoying headache that is a mix of what could become a menstrual migraine and an allergy headache. Woo hoo! This is all despite me taking preventative measures against the pollen by taking a daily dose of Alavert everyday for the past few weeks. I can only imagine how bad I'd be feeling right now had I not taken anything. Oy. Because my brain can't process much right now, I just finished watching the E! True Hollywood Story on "Mean Girls" and I am now watching the "Chefography" of Tyler Florence. Wow, I'm being so productive. Anyways, more to come tomorrow after a good night's sleep and less exposure to pollen. . .

Whew...

I can't believe this weekend is over already, it went by too quickly. Did a whole lot of nothing yesterday, I was exhausted after eating burgers and drinking beer with Crazy Girl, but we decided we need to do that at least once a month. We went to a burger place we had never been to before and it was fantastic, so we're glad we tried it. Last night I just planted my butt on my couch and watched tv. Talked to The Swimmer for a little bit, he was beyond tired, so it was a short conversation. Woke up today and lazed around again until about 1pm when I decided to have a little snack and then get ready for a doubles tennis match I was supposed to play. Waited around for the match to begin. It was supposed to start at around 2:30pm, but it didn't start until about 4pm. It was a great match though and we won 6-1, 7-5, so that was fantastic! Went to go to the grocery store near where I play tennis and luckily, I was paying attention so I was able to avoid an uncomfortable situation. I saw The Idiot's car in the parking lot. I am so happy that I saw his car because I was not in the mood to deal with that awkwardness. So, I detoured and just went to the grocery store that's closer to where I live to do my shopping. I made a delicious dinner and have done a lot of laundry, so now I'm just waiting for the new episode of "Girls Next Door" to begin. I really love this show, it's hilarious. Should I admit to that? Oh well, I'm not ashamed!

A recap...

So I'm finally taking some time to report on my trip last weekend to visit The Swimmer in LA. The trip was great! My flight to LA got delayed, so I didn't get in until almost 10pm and I was exhausted, so we basically just went back to his place and went to sleep. The next day he had to take his car in to get something replaced so we went and saw a movie, got lunch and walked around. After picking up his car, we ran some errands, got hot dogs at Pink's for dinner and went back to his place. We watched the end of Rocky 4 and started watching Borat, but we were tired so we fell asleep. Saturday we went down to Santa Monica, walked around at 3rd Street promenade and down by the beach. We had sushi for dinner, went to the Grove, but it was too packed, so we left and went back to his place. We tried watching Borat once again, but we fell asleep. Wow, it sounds like we're 85 year olds, doesn't it!? Sunday it was really hot out, so we went to the pool at his apartment complex and got some sun (I made sure to wear sunscreen to protect my fair skin though!). Once we had enough of the heat and sun, we showered and drove around for a bit and then met up with one of his friends and his friend's girlfriend for dinner. I knew his friend when I lived in LA, so it was fun to see him again too. After dinner, The Swimmer and I went back to his place to relax for a bit before we had to leave to take me to the airport. That was when something happened that I hadn't wanted to happen.

I had a huge panic attack. I tried to hide it from The Swimmer, but it got to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore, so I told him. He told me that I shouldn't have tried to hide it from him and that he could tell something was going on. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do for me and there wasn't, I just needed to give it time to go away. He just kept saying how he wished there was something that he could do and offered to hug me, hold me, give me a massage, anything to make me feel better. What was annoying about this particular panic attack was that usually, my panic attacks are bad and then they gradually get better and go away, this one was bad, it would get better, it would get bad again and so on. It was really frustrating. Right when I'd start to feel better, it would get bad again. We finally got in the car to go to the airport and I made it to the airport. I panicked a little bit when it was time to go into the airport, but I forced myself. I had to take a flight that left an hour later because it was too close to my flight time for me to check my bag, but it was okay. I checked my bag and then had to leave The Swimmer to go through security. We said our goodbyes and I cried a bit telling him how hard it is for me to let him see me so vulnerable. He reassured me that he didn't think any less of me and it made him happy that I was letting him see me so vulnerable, that he just wished he could make the panic attack go away so I wouldn't have to feel so scared.

Before we left his place, we were trying to figure out the cause of the panic attack. I told him that I thought it was just the stress of everything coming together, i.e. flying out to see him, having to leave knowing I'm going to miss him so much and then taking a red eye home. He reminded me that we had decided that if things keep going the way they are going with us that I will move out there at the end of the year and to just remember that. That he cares about me and that I make him so happy, so I shouldn't stress out about having to leave him. I just felt really bad that this panic attack was happening during our last couple of hours together, when I'd much rather be laying in bed with him talking and doing other things and not standing and pacing, freaking out. He said that it didn't bother him, he just wanted me to feel better. I'm glad that I'll be seeing The Professional again before I go back to LA in a little less than 3 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this and figure out how I can prevent this from happening again.

The Swimmer started his new job this past week, so he's been very excited about that. He has still managed to be incredibly sweet though, text messaging me randomly to tell me how much he misses me and telling me how he wishes I was at his place when he gets home from work so he can tell me all about his day in person instead of over the phone. I just really wish I were rich, then I would just move out there so he and I could be together. Unfortunately, I am not rich and I have a job and I own my own place here so I can't just pick up and move. The Swimmer reminded me that in a way it is good that we are starting out long distance because we're learning patience and we're getting to know each other way better than if we were in the same city at the beginning and that we'll be together again soon. He's just so sweet and caring and great about all of this, I feel so lucky to have him!

That's all for now, must get showered because Crazy Girl is coming in to town and we're going to get burgers and beer! Yum!

Exhausted

Okay, I know it's been over a week since I last posted, but I'm just too tired right now and Grey's Anatomy starts in a couple of minutes. Much to update on my weekend in LA with The Swimmer, but that will have to wait until Saturday after I catch up on sleep!

Busy Bee

I have been so busy the past few days that I haven't had much time to just sit and relax and blog for a bit. Today I spent the day at a hotel by the airport in a room with a bunch of nervous interviewees. My company is expanding, so my manager asked me to sit in the "hospitality suite" for the people being interviewed and be there to answer questions for them as well as keep an ear out for any comments or any people who I think would be a great fit as well as for people who I think wouldn't be a great fit for the company. One good thing that came out of today was a huge reminder of how lucky I am to work for such an amazing company. I had been feeling kind of down about my company since Crazy Girl and I are no longer working together. She got screwed with the expansion, so now not only are her and I not working together anymore, she has no partner, a new manager and a huge area she will be working in. I lucked out in the expansion and got to keep our manager, Steadman, am now partners with a girl I was friends with through training and the area I am working in is right around where I live. So today was great for reminding me that while, yes, Crazy Girl got screwed which sucks, but things could be a lot worse and I work for such a great company.

The busy times will continue tomorrow, I have work in the morning, I'm going to get my haircut around noon and then I have to grab lunch, hurry home, shower, finish packing and then head to the airport to go to LA to see The Swimmer. I just can't believe that tomorrow at this time I will be with The Swimmer. Time flew by so quickly! I am a little nervous about having a panic attack when I'm out there with him, but worrying about it isn't going to help the situation. This is different than in the past because this is my first time visiting him out in LA, so I'll be out of my comfort zone. I've told him how I'm a bit worried, but he's been so reassuring and telling me that if I do have a panic attack, to tell him and he will do whatever he can to make me feel better. The Professional and I figured out that my panic attack last week was because I was so overwhelmed being at the company meeting - you really don't have much free time or control over how your time is spent and I don't like situations like that. So having a panic attack was almost my body's way of telling me that I needed time to decompress, be alone and just relax. This weekend should be very relaxing, so I should be okay. Otherwise, I still have Ativan if need be, although I'm definitely going to try to stay away from that since I'd like to have some quality "sexytime!" with The Swimmer. Yes, I did buy Borat yesterday and The Swimmer and I will be watching it several times this weekend.

Anyways, wow, I feel much more relaxed now that I've taken a few minutes to just sit and write everything out that's been going on and that I've been thinking about. The amazing healing powers of the Blog!!

I'm not crazy!

I think I have finally recovered from my exhausting work meeting this past week. It is 2pm and the most progress I've made has been moving from my bed to the couch. I can't believe that next week at this time, I will be in LA with The Swimmer!

The Swimmer made me so happy on Wednesday evening. For some reason I got really nauseous Wednesday evening while at my work meeting. Luckily it was when we were done with meetings for the day and we were at dinner. All of a sudden I felt like I was going to throw up. Crazy Girl and I hauled ass back to our room and I proceeded to have a panic attack for what seemed like hours even though it was probably more like 45 minutes or so. All I could think about was how much it would suck if I threw up because then I'd be all freaked out the next day when I had to go to the airport, get on a plane, fly back home, walk to my car and drive home. Then I started thinking about how much it would suck if I had a similar panic attack when I'm in LA. I wouldn't want The Swimmer to see my panicking so badly because I wouldn't want him to think I'm crazy. Remember, this is what's going on in my head during the panic attack when I'm not exactly thinking straight. I finally calmed down and felt better. It's crazy how you can go from being so scared and freaked out one second to totally normal the next.

So maybe an hour after my panic attack, I was talking on the phone with The Swimmer. I told him all about my panic attack and what I had been thinking and explained to him how hard it has been for me to be vulnerable in relationships, but with him I'm not so scared. I told him how during my panic attack I got scared about having one when I'm out in LA. He was just so amazing. He told me how it wouldn't bother him if I were to have a panic attack when I'm in LA, that he wouldn't think any less of me and he would want to be there for me to make sure I wasn't scared or sad. He reminded me how vulnerable he's been in the past few weeks and how I didn't think any less of him because of that. He's just amazing and I feel so lucky to be with him. He couldn't talk long because he was going to his Mom's house for dinner, so I told him I miss him and we got off the phone. Maybe 20 minutes later, I'm laying in bed, trying to go to sleep when I hear my phone vibrating across the room. I wasn't sure if I should get up and get it, but then I realized how late it was and who knows who's calling me, so I better check and see. It was The Swimmer, so I called him back. He said that he wanted to make sure I was okay because I sounded sad when we got off the phone and he didn't want me going to sleep upset. I assured him that I wasn't sad and told him how happy he makes me and then went to sleep with a big smile on my face. Wow, I really am beyond happy that The Swimmer is mine!

Drained

Back from my work trip and beyond tired. Nothing like waking up at the ass crack everyday to trek across a huge hotel/conference center to sit in a meeting room for 4 hours, trek across the hotel again to eat, trek back across to sit in a meeting room for 4 hours, trek across again to go back to my room for maybe 30 minutes before having to trek across the hotel again for dinner and once more, trekking across the hotel to go back to my room. I have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty about not going to the gym at all this week since I was making those long treks all day in 4 inch heels. So tired. So so tired.

Just a few things to update on The Swimmer, but I'm not even thinking straight right now, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. . .