Insight

The New Guy called me during the day on Wednesday for no reason, just to chat, which was nice. I really enjoy our conversations, it's so cool to talk to someone and have time just pass by and all of a sudden you look at the clock and 45 minutes has gone by without you realizing it. He was very excited about how well things are going with the new album. He text messaged me later on in the night to invite me out with him and his friend who is in from out of town to go to a club for 80's night on Thursday night. I told him I was definitely up for it.

Thursday night, I met up with New Guy and his friend for some 80's music and dancing. We had a ton of fun. New Guy even danced, which was so cute, the boy can move! His friend was drunk, so he wasn't getting the hint when New Guy would say something like, "(SingleGirl) and I are going to go check out the other room, stay here, we'll be back." His friend would come with us. He just wouldn't get the hint that we were trying to sneak off to be alone for a few minutes. It's okay though, we snuck a quick makeout while his friend went to the bathroom. New Guy held my hand for part of the night and then when we were on the dance floor, we would face each other and he would have his arm around my back so he could pull me close. He would whisper things in my ear too, like how much he wants me and wishes we could go back to my place and how hot I look. We had a lot of fun dancing though, you can't beat 80's music!

Yesterday I had a great session with The Professional. I told her how I can't stop over-analyzing everything when it comes to The New Guy and how when I'm with him, I'm fine, but otherwise, I drive myself crazy analyzing things. Basically it all comes down to my past - my past with my father. In a nutshell, when it comes to guys, I over-analyze the situation as a way to prepare myself for "the other shoe to drop," even though the guy has given me no reason whatsoever to think that way. It's just what I know because of what my father did - basically I don't trust him, he did some pretty awful things to my Mother and in turn me, so it's hard for me to trust that a guy won't leave.

The Professional told me that when I find myself starting to over-analyze things, I need to stop myself and remind myself that I'm doing it because I'm scared. Scared of being vulnerable and scared of trusting. Even though The New Guy hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, it's hard for me to feel like he won't hurt me. Good thing is that through all of the work I've been doing with The Professional, I'm getting better at letting myself be more vulnerable and trusting of men. I've realized that there are guys out there that are trustworthy and I can't put the things that my father has done on to the other men I have relationships with. If I do that, I will never have a strong and healthy relationship. I think that the way I'm doing things with The New Guy (taking it slow) is a much healthier way of doing things though and The Professional agrees. She said that The New Guy sounds much more mature than the other guys I've dated and it sounds like we're connecting on more levels too. So I guess we'll see!

Last night I had a girl's night with some friends. We just went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and had good conversation. I was home and in bed by 11pm! Not sure when I'll see The New Guy again. I think his friend from out of town leaves today or tomorrow and I know they are probably in the studio today. So I'll let him call me, I don't want to interrupt any creative moments today!

Updates!!

Well, where do I begin? I guess I will just say what I have to say and then provide details as needed. I could say that a lot has happened since I took my "blogging break," but I think it would be more appropriate to say that things have intensified for the worse as far as The Swimmer goes and stayed the same as far as work and home life go. So I shall begin the formal update. . .

The Swimmer

It looks like it is coming to the end of the road for The Swimmer and I. He is not going to go to therapy and that is unacceptable to me. I made it clear to him back in September that our relationship would not work unless he worked through his issues in therapy and he agreed. He then promised me he would go to therapy by the end of the year. He also promised me he would come visit South Florida to see what it was like. I made tentative plans for us to go on vacation there and he came up with every ridiculous excuse on the planet to not go. He has not followed through on either of those two promises which he himself initiated. And I can't deal with his issues anymore. I've reached and passed my limit. I can't deal with his constant, and I mean constant, need for reassurance. And I certainly can't be with someone who not only won't follow through on their promises, but who won't take steps to deal with their issues and make themselves a better person, even if they are a little uncomfortable about it.

Needless to say, a vacation anywhere never got planned because of his constant procrastinating because he thought you didn't have to book those things in advance. He blames me for this though and says that I should have pushed him even if he told me that he didn't have time to think about it right then. Seriously? Then, he didn't understand why I wouldn't want to drive 8 hours to South Florida to visit my family, stay there for 4 days, drive 8 hours back to where I live, and then the next day, fly cross-country to LA to visit him for New Year's. He thought that was perfectly reasonable. I was like, "Are you kidding me? I am absolutely not doing that! If you want to see me for New Year's, you can fly here, but there is no way I am doing that!"

He came to visit over New Year's weekend and it was just awful. He kept doing things to annoy me just to get attention. Then when I was trying to talk to him about how stressful things are with work and trying to sell my place, he interrupts me and starts talking about how he's stressed out about work. It's like everything always has to be about him all the time. Same thing when I was trying to talk to him about what happened with my Mom and stepdad, he immediately says, "Would I do that to you?" I was like, "We aren't talking about that! It has nothing to do with you!" His need for constant validation is just so frustrating. I couldn't wait for him to leave.

So, I see The Professional on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it. I feel like I need to just end it with The Swimmer. I don't see myself with him forever and he has broken two HUGE promises to me. I just don't know how to do it. I've never been in this situation before. It's definitely a tough situation because he's a good guy and I love him, but it's not going to work out. Any advice?

Work and Home

All is still the same as far as waiting for something to open up with work in Florida and my home is still on the market. I've had a lot of showings with positive feedback, but no offers so far. But now that the holiday season is over, hopefully I'll have more showings and some offers. I have a work meeting next week, so I should be able to get some more information as far as possible openings in Florida and when that might happen. And you know I'll be networking my little butt off!

Family

Not sure what is going on with my Mom and stepdad since I left Florida and I won't find out anything until he goes back to work overseas next week. I'm very curious to hear what her thoughts and next steps are because she's clearly not happy.

Other Stuff

With everything kind of crazy, I'm just trying to take time for myself and do what I want. Crazy Girl ticked me off a little yesterday, but I didn't let it get to me, I think she got jealous of all of the weight I lost and said some nasty things. It was uncalled for, especially when she knows I'm actually trying to gain a few pounds, but I just brushed it off when I realized that it was more than likely jealously on her part - the girl works out like crazy but can't seem to lose the weight she wants to lose, while weight is coming off of me like crazy because of medication I'm on for my migraines and I'm trying to gain back 5 pounds.

I had dinner at my Gay Neighbor's new house yesterday, they moved out of my building back in November, and I finally made it over to visit yesterday. The inside of the house was cute, but the neighborhood, not so much. It was nice to see them though. Plus they supposedly have a hot neighbor they want to set me up with for a fling when I'm ready, which I thought was funny. I was like, "Hold on there! I'm totally not up for that boys!"

I saw "Juno" today which was such a cute movie. I actually really love seeing movies by myself. I used to be scared of going to the movies alone, but now that I've done it a couple of times, I love it! "Cashmere Mafia" starts on tv tonight, which I'm very excited about, as does "American Gladiators."

One of my best friends from college is visiting in a few weeks, so that is going to be a lot of fun. Crazy Girl and I are going to surprise her and take her to the male strip club which should be absolutely fun and insane, as always! Other than that, I've been talking to my Best Guy Friend (BGF) a lot lately. He's been going through a rough time trying to get over being dumped by his crazy ex-girlfriend. He's been helpful with the advice as far as my situation with The Swimmer. But it was crazy to see the contrast in guys. BGF decided he wanted to see a therapist to figure out why he keeps dating crazy girls and work through some issues and within a week and a half, he had an appointment with a therapist and has seen them 3 times since then. But, I guess it's just the difference in personalities.

Anyways, that was quite an update and I'm probably leaving out important details, but if I am, I'll leave those another time if I think of them or if they are needed, so I'll leave you with that for now!

Que sera, sera?

Everything is still pretty much the same around here, just going about my regular life and waiting for someone to buy my loft!! It's funny, my loft has only been on the market for less than a week, yet I'm frustrated that I've only had one showing so far. I need to be patient and remember that people usually look at houses during the weekend, so hopefully this weekend I'll have more showings. If not, I'll certainly be putting in a call to my realtor on Monday to see what we can do to get things moving.

In the meantime, I'm finding that because I have so little control in the situation, I am fixating on the few things I do have control over. One of them being where to live when I do move. That's actually fun! I've decided that I'll rent a condo or loft in whatever city I move to instead of renting an apartment. I've definitely found (and this is just from my personal experience so no one take any offense to what I'm about to say!) that people who rent apartments don't have as much respect for their surrounding environment and neighbors as people who own their own condo. When I've lived in an apartment, I've had to deal with noisy neighbors, dirty hallways, overflowing trash dumps, etc. Now that I've owned my own place, while there have been times when my neighbors have been noisy, it's definitely been rare and when I've said something, the offending neighbor apologizes profusely and immediately stops the noise. When that has happened in an apartment building, the noise often gets louder. So, again, that's just what I've experienced, but I'm taking that and learning from it and using it for the future!

Things with The Swimmer are pretty much the same. He's coming to visit in two weeks and he wants to plan a vacation together. I just want him to be open to visiting South Florida. Is that too much to ask?! Not going to go into that again though. Only time will tell! I just know that I love him and I want us to be together and if it's meant to be, everything will work out!

And can I just say how awesome tv shows have been lately?! Gossip Girl - AMAZING!! Prison Break - FANTASTIC!! America's Next Top Model - FABULOUS! Grey's Anatomy - STILL GREAT!! The Hills, The Bachelor, Dirty Sexy Money, Private Practice, etc. I could go on and on!! This year with tv is just too good, there are too many tv shows, my dvd is constantly recording something, it's crazy.

It's all about me. . .

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ONE!

I know I've been gone for a while, but there's been a lot going on. When I last posted, things with The Swimmer had been resolved. Basically, the night I was leaving LA, he told me he realized that he hadn't been fair to me when he said he wouldn't consider living in South Florida and that he needs to at least visit SFL and see if it's a place he would want to live. He also said that he had gotten the name of a therapist from his mom and that he was working up the courage to call and make an appointment, but that he was scared. I told him that I understand being scared, but in order for us to work, it's something he needs to do. He promised me he would make an appointment and go within the next few weeks.

So I left LA happy knowing that The Swimmer was going to see a therapist soon to start working on his issues and that we would take a trip to South Florida together in November or December so he can see what it's like.

This past Wednesday, I put my loft on the market. This was really hard to do. This loft is the first home I've ever owned and I bought it when I was only 24 years old. It took a lot of hard work to be able to buy it, but I did it and it was a huge accomplishment. So needless to say, it was really hard to sign the papers that put my loft up for sale. It's hard to think that someone else will be living here soon. Hopefully it won't take too long to sell and hopefully I'll get the money I want for it.

Wednesday night, after telling The Swimmer how hard it was for me to sign the papers, he tells me that he's "considered" moving to South Florida and he doesn't want to. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think that thinking about it for a few days is really considering it. Considering moving somewhere is actually visiting a place, seeing if there's jobs there, seeing what it's like, that's considering it.

What it comes down to is that he's scared of leaving his comfort zone. He tells me I mean the world to him and he loves me with all of his heart, and that means a lot to me, but that means even more that you need to really fully consider it and not just think about it. You can't let being scared of leaving your comfort zone prevent you from doing something.

He said that it's risky for him to move because what if it doesn't work out, then he'd have to move back to LA and find a new job. I pointed out to him that it's way more risky for me if I moved to LA and it didn't work out because I couldn't just move back home and find a new job within a week or two like he could, I'd be stuck in LA for at least a year. And even if things are going great between he and I, if I step into the same work situation I'm in now - crappy geography, too laidback manager - I risk losing my job. If that happens, I'm out of work for 6 months to a year, that's just how it is in the industry I work in. So I have to be really careful with the decision I make.

After explaining all of this to him, he told me that he didn't know that and he should have talked about it more with me and that he needs to think about it more. I told him that I would try and find out more about the work situation for me out in LA to see if I could get any info on the manager and geography.

The Professional keeps telling me that even if I move to South Florida, it doesn't mean that things would be over between The Swimmer and I, and I agree. I love him and I know he loves me, and while the long distance thing sucks, I also need to think about the whole picture. I've made the mistake too many times in the past of not looking at the whole picture or only focusing on the man in my life and not on me and I've always felt bad about that and wished I'd done things differently. This time, I need to do things differently. And yes, I am leaning more towards South Florida at this point, but LA isn't out of the picture. As much as I am not a fan of South Florida, career-wise, it's a guaranteed good move - I'm guaranteed a good territory, the BEST manager, a promotion and it's going to help secure my job. While it would be nice to be closer to family, it would suck to not have any friends in the area, but it's always been easy for me to make friends. As far as LA, career-wise, it's definitely not guaranteed at all - I could very well be stepping into a situation much like the one I'm in now or even worse. Even if it were better than the one I'm in now, it wouldn't be as good as the one I could have in South Florida. I'd have The Swimmer there though, which would be amazing! No friends or family though.

So, there it is. There's the huge update. And I completely apologize for the long absence, but with all of this going on, it's been hard to have any motivation to do anything but watch tv. I promise to post regularly again now that I've caught up!

The Birthday

Well, I am now officially 26 years old. Not old by any means, but it was definitely a hard one for me to accept. Nothing really special about the day, I worked like usual and ran around, still trying to find a cute top or dress to wear out to dinner on Friday night.

Can I say something without sounding like a spoiled brat or anything? I'm kind of sad about the presents. I still have one present to get and that is from The Swimmer when he comes tomorrow night. My Mom is kind of in a financial bind right now, so I told her not to get me anything and I'm okay with that, but she still did send me some really gorgeous orchids. Otherwise though, the one person I was counting on getting a good present from, Crazy Girl, completely and totally disappointed me to the point where I am so sad and really angry at her. First of all, Crazy Girl and I went out to dinner last night. She didn't even offer to pay for my dinner. I was shocked, but didn't say anything. Then, she gave me my present.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.








A $5 t-shirt from Wal-Mart. SERIOUSLY?! After I put so much thought into her birthday gift last year? She loves perfume but always has such a hard time picking out perfume for herself, so when I saw that Sephora had this little gift thing where it's a set of like 8 or 10 little samples of different perfumes and then a gift card to get one of the perfumes. Totally the perfect gift for her and she loved it. She then gets me a $5 t-shirt for my birthday?

I could totally understand if she were going through money problems or something, but she definitely isn't. This is the friend who was in the hospital a few weeks ago and I sat in her hospital room with her for 5 hours everyday and brought her stuff to keep her entertained because that is what I thought she would do for me. Now I'm not so sure. The sucky thing is, I can't even tell her that I'm pissed off. I just don't understand why she would do something like that.

I really don't mean to sound bratty or ungrateful, but I'm really upset about this. I just come from the "school of thought" that you kind of give someone a gift of comparable value to what they have given you unless you are not of the means to. Does that make sense? I mean, it's not like I'm rich and she isn't. We have the same job at the same company, and if anything, she makes more and her mortgage is less.

For some reason, this has really upset me today and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. I returned the shirt today because the more I looked at it, the angrier I got, I just had to get it out of my possession.

What sucks is that this almost makes things totally unfair for The Swimmer. He doesn't know it, but his present is really the only real present I'm getting this year (besides good health, family and friends), so I'm really hoping I like it. I hate that I feel like I'm being such a spoiled brat for being sad about my lack of material presents. It makes me sad that I'm caring about that when I should be happy for everything that I already have - the best Mom in the world, a hilarious, sweet, loving and spoiled kitty, a great job with many benefits, a beautiful home that I own, I'm debt-free, I have a nice savings account, a nice 401K, many caring friends, loving family and last but not least a truly sweet and caring boyfriend.

Anyways, I'm sure this weekend will be very relaxing, it better be, because I'm exhausted and I could really use some relaxation!!

Another quick weekend. . .

Why is it that just when you start to relax, the weekend is over?! I ended up running all around town yesterday, running errands, so no rest for me yesterday. And then today, after watching a movie, I did a bunch of work stuff that I've been putting off. Now that I'm done with that, I only have about another hour and a half of relaxation until I have to go to sleep. Steadman, my manager, is working with me tomorrow. Oh joy. I can't complain though, he hasn't worked with me since February, so I need to just suck it up and get it over with. So, yeah, Steadman is working with me tomorrow and then on Thursday. I'm hoping that he won't work with me all day since he has a regional manager's meeting on Tuesday and Wednesday. So I'm thinking that maybe he'll want to end the day early tomorrow to prepare for the meeting and then maybe he'll want to end early on Thursday because he'll be tired from the meeting. Hmmm... I guess I'll find out soon enough!

The Swimmer is fantastic as ever. Had an appointment with The Professional on Friday which was great. I brought up how The Swimmer and I have been together for about as long as The Idiot and I had been together and how different the relationship is. With The Swimmer, I'm so comfortable. I don't constantly analyze everything and over-think what I'm going to say and the planning of things. With The Idiot, a lot of times, I felt like I had to be careful about saying certain things or planning things. My relationship with The Swimmer is so natural and just how a relationship should be. We're so comfortable with each other and if I want to say something or ask something, I can, no over-thinking anything. I'm just really happy with The Swimmer and it's a fabulous feeling. I'm so excited for him to come visit me soon, I wish we could afford flying to see each other every other weekend instead of every two or three weekends. I just can't believe it's already May, this year is flying by so quickly. It's true, the older you get, the faster time goes by.

Busy Bee

I have been so busy the past few days that I haven't had much time to just sit and relax and blog for a bit. Today I spent the day at a hotel by the airport in a room with a bunch of nervous interviewees. My company is expanding, so my manager asked me to sit in the "hospitality suite" for the people being interviewed and be there to answer questions for them as well as keep an ear out for any comments or any people who I think would be a great fit as well as for people who I think wouldn't be a great fit for the company. One good thing that came out of today was a huge reminder of how lucky I am to work for such an amazing company. I had been feeling kind of down about my company since Crazy Girl and I are no longer working together. She got screwed with the expansion, so now not only are her and I not working together anymore, she has no partner, a new manager and a huge area she will be working in. I lucked out in the expansion and got to keep our manager, Steadman, am now partners with a girl I was friends with through training and the area I am working in is right around where I live. So today was great for reminding me that while, yes, Crazy Girl got screwed which sucks, but things could be a lot worse and I work for such a great company.

The busy times will continue tomorrow, I have work in the morning, I'm going to get my haircut around noon and then I have to grab lunch, hurry home, shower, finish packing and then head to the airport to go to LA to see The Swimmer. I just can't believe that tomorrow at this time I will be with The Swimmer. Time flew by so quickly! I am a little nervous about having a panic attack when I'm out there with him, but worrying about it isn't going to help the situation. This is different than in the past because this is my first time visiting him out in LA, so I'll be out of my comfort zone. I've told him how I'm a bit worried, but he's been so reassuring and telling me that if I do have a panic attack, to tell him and he will do whatever he can to make me feel better. The Professional and I figured out that my panic attack last week was because I was so overwhelmed being at the company meeting - you really don't have much free time or control over how your time is spent and I don't like situations like that. So having a panic attack was almost my body's way of telling me that I needed time to decompress, be alone and just relax. This weekend should be very relaxing, so I should be okay. Otherwise, I still have Ativan if need be, although I'm definitely going to try to stay away from that since I'd like to have some quality "sexytime!" with The Swimmer. Yes, I did buy Borat yesterday and The Swimmer and I will be watching it several times this weekend.

Anyways, wow, I feel much more relaxed now that I've taken a few minutes to just sit and write everything out that's been going on and that I've been thinking about. The amazing healing powers of the Blog!!

I Get It Now!

The Swimmer continues to make me smile like a crazy lady with his openness, honesty and vulnerability. It's really nice to see a guy show his vulnerability when that's something that I have had trouble in the past showing. Like I said in a previous post, my phobia of throwing up comes down to a fear of being vulnerable. My relationship with The Idiot really helped teach me that it's okay to be vulnerable and that because you need some reassurance every once in a while, it doesn't mean you're being needy.

The Swimmer is only reinforcing this in me. When IMing earlier, The Swimmer asked if I still think about him. I told him that of course I do and asked if he was doubting that. He replied that no, he just wanted to hear it. Did/do I see that as being needy? NO! So that just shows me that when you need reassurance, it doesn't mean that you're being needy, it just means that it feels good to hear nice things from someone you care about and who cares about you. Man, The Professional would love this! That's one thing that she kept pointing out to me during my relationship with The Idiot, but I'm fully understanding that and accepting that now with The Swimmer.

The Swimmer is so cute too, he told me how he's looking into coming to visit during President's Day weekend, but that he doesn't want to promise anything because he doesn't want to let me down or disappoint me. I told him that we should be splitting the airfare whether he comes to visit me or I come to visit him, since the airfares fluctuate so much. I'm excited too because after a business trip at the end of February, I'll have enough miles for a free plane ticket! Yeah! So, if things continue to develop between The Swimmer and I, I'll be able to fly out to LA and visit him for free. I figure that as much as it might suck to do it, since the time change on the flight back here makes it so it takes almost a whole day up to fly back, I might try taking a red eye back. (If the trip happens) That way, I can get maximum time with him and just sleep a little on the flight back, come home and sleep for a few hours and then go to work as usual that day. (I love having a flexible job!)

Going to see Catch and Release this weekend with one of my girl friends, I love chick flick nights!! Can't beat seeing a sappy girl movie with friends and talking about life and love.