In Need of Relaxation. . .

So, it's Sunday night and I am ready for the weekend. I did not have a relaxing weekend at all. I had my brother from out of town come stay with me for the weekend to attend his childhood best friend's wedding. Got in Friday night and he went to the Bachelor Party. At 3am, he called to have me let him in my condo building. Then we got locked out of my condo. My spare key was inside. After hoping that the person in the building who has all of the master keys would have mine (he didn't), we called the locksmith. The locksmith finally got to my place at 5am and I did not get to sleep until 6am. Yesterday was a lot of running around and last night was just strange. Crazy Girl called me a billion (more like 15) times at 4am and since I had a migraine, I didn't pick up. Crazy Girl called another billion (again, more like 15) times at 6am and since my migraine still hadn't gone away, I didn't pick up. I finally gave in and took some migraine medicine in the hopes it would be gone by the time I had to wake up at 9am. So, after a less than stellar night's sleep, I woke up at 9am to wake my brother so he could get ready. Who gets married at 11:45am on a Sunday?!?!?!?! Strange, in my opinion. Anyways, the wedding was very boring since I really didn't know anyone and my brother was not thrilled about being there since he doesn't like the girl his friend was marrying. I finally found out why Crazy Girl had been calling frantically and it was stupid, so stupid it's not worth telling.

All I know is that I am sleeping in tomorrow morning in the hopes that it will make me feel better. Unfortunately, this is going to be a busy week at work, so I'm hoping that this weekend in LA will be very relaxing with The Swimmer. We will be going to Disneyland on Saturday which I have mixed emotions about. On one hand, it should be fun, I've never been to Disneyland (only Disney World) and I love the "classic" Disney rides. On the other hand, I'm nervous about the drive there. The Swimmer said it will take about an hour to get from LA to Disneyland. I just hope I don't have a panic attack. On top of that, one of his friends and his friend's girlfriend are coming. I think they will be taking a separate car, which helps, but it makes me a little uncomfortable because in the chance that I do have a panic attack, I don't want it to happen in front of them. Well, I just need to go and have fun and not worry about having a panic attack. Maybe I'll take a dramamine before the car ride to put my mind at ease. Hmmm... Anyone actually driven from LA to Disneyland that can tell me how long it takes?

Jury duty...

I didn't know that jury duty could suck so much! I got there at 8am on Monday morning after not sleeping very well because I was so scared I wouldn't wake up when my alarm went off. At about 10am, my name was finally called, along with 61 other potential jurors. We went to the assigned courtroom where we then waited for about a half hour before we were allowed inside. Once inside, we went through the "voir-dire" process and were told what the charges were against the defendant. I was pretty shocked to hear that the charges against the man included- rape, incest, molestation and sodomy - all against his own daughter. At first, I was taken aback and did not want to be on the jury. Then, I thought, well, if he did it, I want to make sure he is convicted and rots in hell for ruining this little girl's life. Jury selection started at around 11:45 and most of us were allowed to go to lunch at around 12:15pm. I went with 3 other women I made friends with and we talked about random stuff. After returning at 2:00, we were told to take a break at about 2:15 for 15 minutes. That became 30 minutes and jury selection started again. It did not end for the day until 5:45pm and we had to return the next morning at 9am to continue. The next day, after questioning about 43 of 62 potential jurors (me being number 47), the judge told the attorneys that they had questioned enough people to start striking. Even thought numbers 44-62 would not be chosen, we still had to sit there and wait. Finally, at about 1:30pm, we were dismissed. To make all of this worse, after jury duty on Monday night, I got what was one of, if not, the worst migraine I have ever gotten. I was totally incapacitated by it. I went home and slept for a bit after taking some migraine medicine and nausea medicine. I woke up a little bit later and forced myself to try to eat something, took a shower and talked to The Swimmer for a little bit. I dozed some more and then The Swimmer called again to check on me. I finally went to sleep and thankfully, woke up without the migraine. So, that was my jury duty experience. It sucked, but at least it's over!

Fourth time...

Ughhhh.... I have jury duty tomorrow. Oh joy. I was on standby status, meaning that I had to call today at 5pm to see if I was needed or not, so I thought that there was no way they'd need me. Just my luck, all jurors must report, was the message. Seriously? In my twenty-something years, this is my fourth jury summons. The first time was when I was in college and instead of excusing me from jury duty when I explained I was a full-time student, they postponed me and made me come serve when school was not in session. So then I had to go back a second time and actually serve. Luckily I didn't get picked to sit on a jury, but I was still stuck there from 8:30am until 5pm. The third time I was summonsed, I got out of it because I wasn't a resident of that county at the time. And so this is my fourth summons. What's funny is that just a few days before I received the summons, I was thinking about how I always get a jury summons about a year or so after I move. Sure enough, a few days later, I got my jury duty summons. It's ridiculous, people will live in the same county for years and years and never get a jury summons. Me, it only takes about a year before I get one. So crazy!

Delayed...

Yeah, I know in my last post I said I would write more the next day, but the week just passed by so quickly and now it's the weekend. Nothing really exciting to share today. The Swimmer got sick on Thursday, so he's been whining like a baby, but it's really cute. I wish I lived in LA so that I could have been there to take care of him. He's been so good at taking care of me - during the massive panic attack I had and then again when I got the UTI. I saw my "woman" doctor yesterday and she wants me to start taking a cranberry supplement now to see if that helps prevent UTIs. If that doesn't work, then I might have to start taking preventative antibiotics. Yuck. Oh well. So let's just hope that the cranberry supplement works!

I've been really tired all week for no apparent reason, so I'm just taking it easy this weekend, as usual! Next weekend, my brother will be coming to stay with me. One of his childhood friends lives in the same city as me and is getting married. So, that pretty much means I'll be shuttling him around, but that's fine. The weekend after, I will be back in LA, yay!!

I know I've said this before, but I really wish I could win the lottery. I wouldn't tell anyone except my Mom and I would immediately pick up and move to LA so that I could be with The Swimmer. I really hate not being able to be with him all the time, but I just need to remind myself that we'll be together again in 2 weeks and then again on Memorial Day weekend. I'll be going back to LA a couple of weekends after that for The Police concert and then a few weekends later again for The Swimmer's birthday. And I also need to remind myself that The Swimmer himself said that if our relationship continues on this track, by the end of the year, we'll either be talking about me moving out there, or I will be moving out there.

Anyways, enough of that, I'm so superstitious that I'm scared to talk about stuff too much for fear that I'll jinx everything. I know, I know, I'm ridiculous!

Ridiculous!

Not much to update on now. I'm so exhausted from playing a tennis match in 45 degree with 20-40 mph winds and slight drizzling rain at times weather, that I can barely think straight. So ridiculous that the match didn't get cancelled, but I stuck it out and played. I didn't even care that we lost the match. Didn't do a whole lot this weekend. I was supposed to go out with a girl I play tennis with on Friday, but some things happened and it didn't work out. She's new in town, so she's trying to make friends. Funny though, her and her boyfriend were also in a long distance relationship at one point and they had known each other for a few years before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. So, she and I already have a lot in common! Anyways, I'm too tired to write much tonight - more tomorrow!!

No attacks, but...

Got back from LA at 6am yesterday morning, so I've been too tired to post until now. The trip to see The Swimmer was fantastic. No panic attacks!! YAY!! So relieved about that. I was more expressive of my feelings, like The Professional had told me to do, and both coming from and going to the airport went smoothly. Yes, I was very teary-eyed on the way to the airport on Monday night, but I couldn't help it. I really hate it when the time comes to leave LA. He would say the littlest thing and my eyes would well up with tears. It's really hard, but I know he's worth it.

I did, however, have one health issue while in LA. I got the nastiest UTI. For anyone who has ever had a UTI, you know how hellacious they are. It came on suddenly late Saturday afternoon. The pharmacy where I live had already closed, so I couldn't get a refill on my antibiotic transferred to LA and it was too late to call my doctor. Since the next day was Easter Sunday, my pharmacy at home was going to be closed and my doctor is pretty religious so I couldn't call her. Luckily, my father is a doctor, so I had him call in a prescription which I then had transferred out to LA. Pain in the ass though. The Swimmer was very sweet, even though I got up 4 times during dinner to sprint to the bathroom to pee and then drove me around trying to find a 24 hour pharmacy so I could ask a pharmacist what I could take to help until I got some antibiotics. Couldn't find a pharmacy soon enough before I had to pee again, so we just went back to his place and I proceeded to drink bottles and bottles of water to flush out my system. I've never tried Uristat to help with a UTI because it kind of scares me - it turns your pee and most bodily fluids orange. Then I saw Cystex which doesn't turn your pee orange, but no pharmacist. After drinking several bottles of water, I was finally able to stop peeing every 2 minutes without it burning. Anyways, good thing I'm going to see my woman's doctor next week so that we can discuss new ways to avoid UTIs, as I already do the typical recommended things - him washing his hands before sex, peeing before and after sex, washing after sex, etc. Enough about that!

Things between the Swimmer and I are great. However, this is the point in a relationship where my feelings scare me. It scares me to feel as strongly as I do towards The Swimmer because there is always a chance of getting hurt. I do know that I have two choices at this point - 1- let being scared take over and run from the relationship (stupid) or 2- accept that there is always a chance of getting hurt, but you'll never know unless you take the chance. So, that's what I'm doing, accepting that, yes, I could get hurt, but it's not worth it to let those feelings scare me away from what is so far, a fantastic man and a fantastic relationship. Luckily, I see The Professional next week, so I'll be able to further discuss and learn.

Well, I'm starving, so it looks like I'll be eating dinner a little early today...

Off to see. . .

Well, in about 15 minutes, I will be leaving to go to the airport to fly to LA to see The Swimmer. My nerves have been kind of up and down today - one minute I'm nervous, the next I'm not. I just need to chill out already and keep questioning myself when I start feeling nervous. Why am I nervous? If it's because I'm scared of having a panic attack, I need to question it and think, Okay, so what if I have a panic attack? He handled it exceptionally well last time and he won't think you're a freak if you have another one. When I saw The Professional on Monday she said that it seems like the panic attacks I had in LA, a little one on the way to his place from the airport and then a ginormous one before we had to leave his place for the airport, were at high-emotion times and that I need to express my feelings and emotions more at those times instead of trying to hold them in or not fully say how I feel. That is hard for me, not because I don't trust him or anything like that, but because it's old habit. The Swimmer is the first guy that I fully trust, but in the past, I have not been very expressive of my emotions and I need to be better at that now that I'm with a truly good guy. Anyways, I'm going to go cuddle with my kitty for a few minutes before I leave, but send good thoughts my way of calm and expressing how I feel!

Practice Makes Perfect?

So, here's what I did this weekend: sleep in, go to the grocery and pet food store, cook, watch movies, sleep in some more and watch even more movies and tv. Wow, I was productive. Whatever, it doesn't bother me one bit! Especially since this week and weekend are going to be extremely busy. This week will be work, tennis and preparation for my trip this coming weekend to LA to visit The Swimmer.

I am already a little anxious about my trip to LA for the only reason that I hope that I don't have another massive panic attack. I know that worrying about having one won't help the situation, so that's why I'm glad that I see The Professional tomorrow. I've told The Swimmer that we should just lay low this weekend and not run around doing a lot of things all weekend in the hopes that it will keep me calm and not overwhelmed with doing stuff. We're already planning on seeing 3 movies this weekend - "Blades of Glory," "Meet the Robinsons," and "Premonition." I get to LA on Thursday evening and leave on the red eye on Monday night. The Swimmer has work on Friday and Monday, so I'm hoping that since I'll be alone all day, it will keep me from getting overwhelmed. I guess we'll see.

I ended up ordering the "Stress Eraser," the Professional said it could definitely help. It hasn't been shipped to me yet, something about there being so many orders that it's going to take longer than usual to ship out, but I think it should be sent sometime this week. Not in time for my trip to LA this weekend, but that's okay. I have been practicing some breathing techniques that the Professional said could really help. Basically, inhaling normally for 5 seconds, exhaling normally for 5 seconds, waiting 5 seconds and then starting all over again. This helps tell your body to calm down, that there is nothing wrong, as opposed to taking deep breaths which say, "Something is wrong!" and as opposed to breathing really quickly which can make panic worse. I've really been practicing, so hopefully it will help!