I'm here!!

Okay everyone, no need to panic! Yes, I am single again. Don't worry though, it's definitely a VERY, VERY good thing! I'm very happy now! I feel like the sun is shining again and like the sadness I had been feeling for over a month now is gone. This just happened this past weekend, so the fact that I'm happy and I just ended things with TDH, shows that I REALLY wasn't happy with him at the end. I'm really sick of telling people over and over again about what happened, so maybe I will another time here, but for right now, I'm not going to because I don't feel like it, I'd rather not waste anymore of my time on him! I'd rather move on and be happy!

So, the deep unhappiness that I had been experiencing for the past month should explain my absence from my blog and I apologize, I guess I just needed to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Anyways, just wanted to let you all know that I'm here and good and happy. I'm thinking about starting a brand new blog, for a fresh start, kind of like a karmic cleansing, so if/when I do, I will let you all know, just e-mail me and I'll let you know when I get a new address!

WOW!

I'm so giddy after watching the new 90210 that I don't know if I'll be able to sleep! WOW!! Wow wow wow wow wow!! Now they just need to bring Dylan back and I will be totally fulfilled. Not sure if I could handle it though, Dylan was my ultimate favorite. But, I would like to find out whether or not I could handle it! I'm sure everyone would be able to hear my screams of joy if they brought him back! Bring back Dylan McKay! YAY!

Insight from a Pro...

Well, things are going great with TDH and I'm seeing The Professional again! Yay! She's pretty much recovered from the nasty Staph infection and is seeing patients part-time, so as soon as I got the call with that news, I scheduled an appointment. It felt so good to talk to her again and be able to work through things with someone who is a "Professional" on issues and who knows pretty much everything about me and how my mind works and processes things. She said that it sounds like TDH is definitely dealing with a ton of stuff and that I do need to be patient with the situation, but also ask for what I need from him. She reminded me of my tendency when things aren't absolutely perfect to just completely freak out and think things are about to take a nosedive and start distancing myself. She told me I need to remind myself of how things have been going and that especially at a time like this, TDH wouldn't keep a relationship if he wasn't really interested in me and he did tell me outright that he's definitely not stringing me along. She said that he sounds like a truly nice guy who thinks things through and that he sounds like he's really trying, so just be patient.

Otherwise, things are going well with TDH and I. He is definitely making an effort to spend more time with me and show me that he misses spending more time with me and I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Should be interesting, just the whole another year older thing. Going out to dinner with a bunch of people, including TDH, Crazy Girl, Blondie and Gay (Former) Neighbors. Should be fun. I think TDH and I are going to celebrate my birthday alone on Saturday evening.

Anyways, I promise to be better about writing more, it's just been a crazy past couple of weeks, lots of hot swimmers I had to watch swim and lots of work stuff I had to do!

Help! (With a new little note)

So, I've been doing really well so far without The Professional for the past few months, but now I feel like I could use her advice. TDH has been really busy lately with helping his brother finish his basement (he's buying his brother's house), work, booking shows so he can start playing music again, trying to get a band together, hanging out with friends and hanging out with me. All of this while living 45 minutes outside of town with his parents until he takes over his brother's house which won't be until the end of October (it was originally supposed to be the beginning of October.) I'm trying to not let the fact that we don't get to see each other as much as we used to get to me, but it is and I can't help it. We still see each other twice a week, but I guess I just got used to seeing him more often. When we're together, I don't feel insecure at all, but when it's Wednesday and I haven't seen him since Sunday, the "crazy" comes out and I start feeling insecure thinking that maybe he just doesn't care if he sees me as much or maybe he should be making more of an effort to spend time with me. Then I just wonder if I need to calm down because TDH is going crazy and not getting much sleep trying to balance everything in his life, so me bitching about not seeing him isn't going to help him. BUT, I don't think some reassurance from him would be asking too much, am I wrong? How do I go about asking for reassurance though? This has always been something that's been hard for me to do. This is definitely stressing me out. Ugh.

A little side note: I wish I could get back in to see The Professional, but unfortunately, she has been out sick with a Staph infection. I could see someone else, but that would mean starting over from square one with someone new, so I'm not sure if that's something I should do.

Planning

I know. I know I have been an awful blogger. All I can say is that I've been busy and after not writing for so long, the thought of trying to update everyone on everything feels so overwhelming!

So, I'm not going to do that, I'm just going to say that everything is still going very well in my life. TDH is still pretty fantastic. He's going through a little rough patch in his life right now and hopefully I'm being good at supporting him through it. He's going through that time in his life that I think we all go through at one point, where you feel like you are two people stuck in one body. Part of him wants to be the "rockstar" that he's always wanted to be and be out traveling the world, playing his music, meeting people from all walks of life. The other part of him wants to settle down, and in his words, "continue building a burgeoning relationship with a woman such as yourself," and start a family. I told him that how he's feeling is totally normal and that when it comes down to it, he just needs to find a way to meld the two together. He said he's scared he'll never be able to be completely happy. I reassured him again that it's totally normal to feel that way and that maybe a change of perspective is in order. Instead of focusing on all of the bad things in the world, he needs to focus on all of the good things and all of the good things he's been lucky enough to experience, all of the amazing places he's traveled and all of the experiences he's been able to share with his family. I used to be like TDH a lot, when it comes to his ambivalence about the world. I think that all changed when I had the brain tumor scare 2 years ago and realized that life is too short and I might as well focus on the good and make sure that I'm surrounded by things that make me happy. After we talked about all of this for a while, he said he had been scared to open up to me about all of this because I had told him about past relationships where the guy was totally insecure, so he didn't want to turn me away from him. I laughed and told him there was absolutely no need to worry and that if I thought he was anything like that guy, I would have been long gone! Also, I told him that I'm always here for him if he ever wants to talk.

TDH wants to plan a long weekend getaway to the beach with me, so that should be a lot of fun. We're working on that now and should hopefully have that planned within the next couple of days. I could definitely use a little vacation and a long weekend with just TDH would be awesome!!

This weekend was good - TDH and I went out for drinks on Friday night, Saturday evening, TDH took me to a work associate's house for a barbecue. Today, I hung out with Crazy Girl. She's going through a rough time herself - she's scared she's going to lose her job, so that's adding to her already usually high anxiety level. What sucks is that she doesn't deserve to lose her job, she hasn't done anything wrong, her boss (a woman) thinks she's "just too tall and too blonde" so she doesn't like her. It's totally ridiculous. So Crazy Girl is reporting this to HR along with a bunch of other totally inappropriate comments her boss has made in front of other people, including a comment that insinuates that Crazy Girl and I are in a lesbian relationship together. So Crazy Girl and I went out shopping for a new business suit for her and then out for burgers. Yum!

I'm still loving taking ballet again, it's so much fun and I get a great workout from it. Better than going to the gym!! Haven't been back to tap class yet, but I probably will this week, I didn't want to hurt the toe now that it's all healed up.

Anyways, that's all for me now! I'll try to be better about updating!

Hello!

Well, once again, I've been an absent blogger, so I'll apologize for my absence! I hope everyone had a splendid 4th of July weekend. Mine was quite relaxing. I had Thursday and Friday off from work, so it was quite the long weekend for me! Wednesday afternoon, TDH came over when he was done with work (I think he likes seeing me in my "business" clothes!) and we hung out until dinnertime and walked up the street to have dinner. Thursday I lounged around all day and night, nothing too exciting.

Friday, I went to Crazy Girl's house and we hung out with her neighbor, barbecued and hung out in the sun. Friday evening, TDH came over, I baked cookies (yes, from scratch, let me know if you want the recipe!), we looked at houses for sale online, watched the city's fireworks from outside my building and then walked up the street to get drinks. Then we came home and watched a movie while he gave me a massage. Saturday morning/afternoon, TDH cooked me breakfast - blueberry pancakes and bacon, before he left to check out some neighborhoods he might be interested in living in. Saturday evening, TDH came over again and we went to watch a cover band play for a little bit, but the place was empty, so we only stayed for about a half hour before leaving and coming back to my place to go to sleep early so he could get an early start on Sunday morning. Sunday, I did absolutely nothing!!

Things with TDH are still going so well, he's just fantastic! I can't help the gushing! We were talking on the phone last night and he told me how he e-mailed me an article about the space station because he was reading it and thought how I would love to read it too. So I said to him, "Awhh, you think about me!" He said, "Of course I do! I think about you all the time!" Sigh... He called early this morning and asked me to lunch, I love it when he does that! He's helping a friend move tomorrow night, so we have plans to spend Saturday together. I love how things with him aren't just surface all the time - he likes talking about more deep things sometimes to really try to get to know me. I feel safe with him and I haven't been so scared to open up to him and let myself be vulnerable. It's definitely weird, but really nice to trust someone like this and feel safe. Yes, there's always a chance of getting hurt, but you never know how happy you could be if you don't take that chance.

Chocolate chip cookies, puppy dogs and rainbows...

I know it's been over a week since I last posted, but I've been busy reuniting with TDH! He was exhausted when he got back on Saturday, so he came over on Sunday and we spent all evening and night Sunday together until he had to go into work on Monday morning. I told him how happy I was that he is back, over and over again and he said he was too. Once, I was like, "YAY!" He responded with, "What?" I said, "I'm just really happy you're back!" He said, "I missed you too!" I guess it was pretty obvious that that was what I was meaning to say, but just couldn't get out. I guess some old habits die hard!

Tuesday evening, TDH came over after having drinks with his old roommate, he was a bit drunk, but he was wanting to have some fun in bed. Why is it that guys seem to forget that being drunk usually means having some troubles when it comes to sex? It doesn't bother me, but it only leads to them feeling embarrassed. The next morning, we woke up and TDH wanted us to cook a big breakfast - blueberry pancakes, bacon, english muffins, etc. So, we started cooking and when breakfast was ready, the beers from the night before caught up with him and he didn't feel well. I told him not to worry, that I didn't want him to eat just because I cooked. So I finished eating and we got back into bed and watched Back to the Future Part 3, while TDH recovered from his night of fun. It's so nice that we're both in sales and can go into work whenever we want! He left at around 1pm and I went off to work.

Wednesday night I went out with Bra Girl and Nik to watch some bands play. Friday evening, Blondie and I went out to dinner together for some delicious food. TDH was out of town for the night with some of his high school friends.

Yesterday afternoon, TDH came over to hang out and spend the evening with me. It was cute because we both didn't care what we did, it was just both of our priorities to be with each other. Initially, we were going to go see a friend's band play, but TDH was tired from the night before, so he kind of just wanted to veg out, but if I wanted to go out, he would take one for the team. I told him that I didn't care what we did, I just wanted to spend time with him, that was my priority for the night. He teased me for saying that. I was like, "I say something sweet and you make fun of me?!" (He knows it's hard for me to be vulnerable.) So we watched "Teen Wolf," had some fun in bed and then went out to dinner.

After we got back from dinner, we sat on the couch and were talking about random stuff. He was telling me about how his mom and dad ask about me every day. I told him I think that's cute. After talking more about random stuff, he told me that his mom likes/liked (can't remember which he said) his ex-girlfriend. Ugh. Why do guys say stuff like that?! I really didn't need to hear that. I didn't know how to respond to that, so I was like, "Okay." We talked about more random stuff, some serious stuff and other random stuff and then decided to go back into the bedroom and watch some tv.

Funny story: We were watching the end of "Dirty Dancing," where Johnny and Baby do their big dance. So I told TDH about how my best friend from high school is getting married next year and she wanted to do Johnny and Baby's final dance with her fiance for their first dance at their wedding. TDH thought this was an awesome idea. My best friend's fiance did not. So, as we were watching the final dance, at the part where Baby and Johnny are dancing amongst the hotel guests, and Johnny lifts Baby above his head, not "The Lift," just where he's standing and she's standing and he lifts her, TDH says, "I bet we could do that!" I just laughed, thinking he wasn't serious. He was. He jumps out of bed, in his underwear, and says, "Come on! Let's try it!" So I get out of bed, in my bra and underwear, laughing hysterically at this point. TDH says, "Don't make fun of me if I can't do it. Johnny was really strong, he's lifting her from a dead stand. But you're like, what, 100 pounds? I think I can do it!" So, yeah, 6'4" TDH and little 5'4" me totally did this at 1am in our underwear. It was freaking hilarious! But we did it! TDH lifted me! Twice! So funny!

Anyways, after that, we had what we both now consider to be the best sex either of us have ever had. Absolutely mind-blowing. Then it was sleepy-time.

This morning we woke up and stayed in bed, just lounging around for a while, talking. At one point in our discussions from the night before, TDH had said that he doesn't know me, so I questioned him about this. He said, "I would hope that I don't fully know you yet. There's still more after the chocolate chip cookies, puppy dogs and rainbows stage." I laughed and said that of course there's more, but that I think we're past the "honeymoon" period of the relationship. At that point of the relationship, both people are still on their best behavior and I think we're past that at this point. He agreed, but he just wondered if we've fully seen each others flaws. I told him that he knows my flaws and that's my difficulty with being vulnerable, but that I'm obviously getting much better with that and then I gave him examples. I asked him what his flaws are and he asked me what I thought they are. I told him that I would think that it's that he tries to do everything and can maybe sometimes spread himself too thin. He agreed, but said that it's just because he wants to experience life. He said that he's been told in the past that he doesn't communicate well/clearly, but he thinks he does and he thinks it's more that those people didn't communicate well, not him.

At one point, I said something that came off totally wrong and I feel badly about. I asked what he's like in a fight - if he is an avoider and just tries to end the fight quickly even if it doesn't really get resolved, just so that the fighting can be avoided. Or if he is a total dick and really fights and insists that he's right, no matter what. I figured he would be one of the two, just because that's been typical of the guys I've dated in the past, and that was totally wrong of me to do. So TDH said, "So you've already prejudged me, huh?" I said, "I'm just guessing!" He said, "You think I'm a total dick, huh?" Then I felt awful. That is totally not how I meant it and I obviously do not think TDH is a dick, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. That's what I said to him and I apologized profusely. He laughed and said he was just joking and said there was no need to apologize, but I already felt so bad for saying what I said.

We had a nice day just laying around and finally around 4pm, it was time to get our lazy butts out of bed and time for TDH to go home.

Anyways, should be an easy work week for both TDH and I, we both have 3 day work weeks with the holiday weekend ahead. I don't have anything special planned for the long weekend though, so with Bra Girl, Blondie and most of my other friends out of town, I'm not sure what I'll be up to this weekend. I think TDH might be house-hunting this week and he wants my help, so that should be fun. He's also mentioned possibly planning and going on a Caribbean vacation together sometime in the fall too!

V. Excited!

Well, TDH has called a bunch more times since he first called a few days ago. When he called me on Thursday evening, I got some very good news! I was wrong in thinking he was coming home on Sunday, he gets back today (Saturday)!! YAY!

He called again last night and we talked for a bit, and he told me that as long as he isn't extremely tired, he wants to come to my place once he gets in. So YAY! I guess he definitely missed me! Anyways, I have a busy day today, but I'm definitely looking forward to TDH's return this evening!

Sigh...

TDH is still totally making me swoon and we've been dating since March. He called me today from Asia. I'll say it again. He called me from Asia. Where he's been on a trip with his family for a week and a half. He called me! It wasn't enough to just e-mail me once or twice a day, he called me! Yay! I can't wait until he gets back on Sunday! We talked for about 20 minutes about his trip and what I've been up to. Sigh. I really like him! I don't think I'll be able to restrain myself from jumping on him and hugging him for a long, long time when I first see him again!

Besides TDH, not too much going on. Had Steadman with me yesterday and Monday, glad that's over with, it's just exhausting. Think I need to call my neurologist tomorrow, I don't know if it's the heat, but I've gotten 3 or 4 migraines in the past week, up from 1 every other month. I think I need to up my preventative medication. Oh well.

The toe is healing well, I should be able to dance next week. I'm walking normally now, no more limping so that's definitely a good sign! I'm going to take a stretching class tomorrow evening so I can feel like less of a lazy ass, sitting around watching cooking shows and crappy tv.

Anyways, can't wait for Sunday and TDH's return!

Sweating

Well, I'm finally done feeling sorry for myself and my toe! I've been over it for a few days now, but I've just been busy being out and about. Had a follow up appointment today with my podiatrist and he said things are healing well and if they continue to heal well, I should be able to go back to dancing in a week or so. Yay!

Otherwise, I'm just tired. had Steadman, my boss, working with me today, so that's always tiring, not to mention the fact that it's in the 90s here. He's with me again tomorrow, but at least it's only one more day to get through.

Blondie and I went out to dinner together on Saturday night and then went to see Partyboy and his band play a little gig. Blondie thinks he's cute, so I'm trying to set the two of them up for a brief hook-up before he goes away to med school. Sunday, I hung out with Bra Girl by the pool until we couldn't stand the hot weather anymore.

Still e-mailing everyday with TDH. He sends me pictures too, it's really cute. I miss him so much, I just can't wait until he gets back on Sunday. Not sure if I'll get to see him on Sunday or not, but at least I'll get to hear his voice and talk again. Sigh. I just can't wait to be with him again! I'm such a dork.

Oh, I finished reading one of Chelsea Handler's books today, "My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands." It was absolutely hilarious! I highly recommend it if you're looking for a light, entertaining and quick read.